Alan Day Prodigal Tory Party membership
Conservative Party

The Parable of the Prodigal Tory

There was a political party whose membership included a man and a woman. One day the man said to his party, “You know, I’m increasingly irritated by the political drift, and I won’t be voting for you anymore.” So he tore up his membership card and kicked his heels a bit.

Not long after that, he got together all he had, set off for a distant politics, and there squandered his gifts and wasted his energies in fruitless pursuits. After he had tweeted a lot, there was a general election in that whole country, and he began to feel restless. So he went and joined another party of that country, who invited him to stand as a candidate. He longed to go door-to-door and talk about health, education, low taxes, family, faith and the big society, but no one gave him any leaflets except for those which banged on about Europe, for which he was much abused.

When he came to his senses, he said, “How many of old party’s members enjoy a breadth and depth of policy, and here I am banging on about Europe! I will log on and send an email to CCHQ and say to them: “Chairman, I have wronged the party and hurt you. I am no longer worthy to be a member, but I’m happy to be a humble foot-soldier.” So he went to his PC to send his email.

But while he was typing away the Chairman was filled with fond memories of him; he sent an email to the man which entreated him to come back with open arms, and it included an invitation to a cheese-and-wine evening complete with raffle.

The man said to the him, “Chairman, I have wronged the party and hurt you. I am no longer worthy to be a member, but I’m happy to be a humble foot-soldier.”

But the Chairman said to CCHQ staff, “Quick! Bring an application form and fill it out for him. Put a membership card into his wallet and give him lots of invitations to donate cash. Let’s open a bottle of Dom Pérignon 2004 and celebrate! For this party member was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” So they began to crack open a bottle of Dom Pérignon 2004.

Meanwhile, the woman member was tweeting about how glorious European Union is. When she came near CCHQ, she heard music and dancing. So she called over one of the apparatchiks and asked him what was going on. “An old friend has returned to the Tory fold,” he replied, “and the Chairman has opened a bottle of Dom Pérignon 2004 because he has him back safe and sound.”

The woman became angry and refused to go in. So the Chairman went out and pleaded with her. But she answered the Chairman, “Look! All these years I’ve been slaving away faithfully as a One Nation Tory and my politics have hardly changed in 61 years. Yet you never gave me even so much as a bottle of Prosecco so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this ex-Kipper who has squandered our integrity with Brextremists comes home, you open a bottle of Dom Pérignon 2004 for him!”

“My dear,” the Chairman said —

“Don’t you ‘My dear’ me, you patronising sod,” rebuked the woman. “We can’t have his sort in the party! Get him out!”

“You know, you’re absolutely right,” said the Chairman. And he turned to the man and took the glass of Dom Pérignon from his hand and said, “Sorry, your sort aren’t welcome here. Fuck off.”