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‘As the Chequers Plan morphs into one of the Darling Duds of May…’

August 4, 2018
Mrs Proudie
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Goodness! There I was at morning service, singing the last verse of ‘Love Divine, All Loves Excelling’, the bit where we ‘…cast our crowns before Thee’, when my thoughts turned to the audacious robbery in a Swedish cathedral. Has the…

No knife crime in Barchester: the time it would take to decide between fish knife, grapefruit knife or dessert knife would be enough for the chosen victim to run away

July 28, 2018
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O tempora O mores! Make tea, eat hobnobs and read on… Consider, my dears, the Girl Guides. Once a decent and wholesome organisation dedicated to home-making, social skills, musical accomplishment,…

“Those devils at the Biased Broadcasting Corporation have a lot to answer for! If there’s one thing they cannot stand it is the steadfast Christian”

July 21, 2018
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Now where did I leave that perfume bottle..? Ahem… Goodness! Well my dears, I hope you are all enjoying the weather. I must confess bombazine is not the most-summery of…

“The only thing that would get the kitten shoes tapping would be a live performance of the EU Rule Book by Sadler’s Wells”

July 14, 2018
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My, oh, my, what an eventful week! We have had an extraordinary number of visitors wishing to see the cathedral, no doubt spurred on by the wonderful weather. The Archdeacon…

‘Appeasement rules… Brexit rebels cave in… betrayal now official government policy’

July 7, 2018
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Good grief! Imagine my horror when, scanning the increasingly turgid pages of The Jupiter (avoiding the page three daguerreotype of a scantily-clad Cora Pearl) I discovered the shameful plot to…

Rendition: “It is not the sort of thing the British Empire should be involved in. Someone should be held accountable”

June 30, 2018
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Goodness! Well thinks do seem to be hotting up, what with the glorious weather and the fires sweeping across the moorland ‘Up North’ sparked off by all the hot air…

St Euthanasia’s Hospital in Barchester adopts ‘Gosport Solution’ to bed-blocking problem

June 23, 2018
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It is a little-known fact that Mrs. Dismay began her career as a probationary teacher at Dr. Wortle’s School here in Barset. It was there that she perfected the art…

Sorosites in the Tory Party have been gathering behind closed doors to tighten up their plans to scupper Brexit

June 16, 2018
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A happy and blessed weekend to you all. I’ve no idea what to write about this week as nothing much seems to be happening out there beyond the Barchester bubble,…

‘What sort of incense are they using at Canterbury these days, and has Plod not arrested their supplier?’

June 9, 2018
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Goodness! Lambeth has gone completely loopy! “I have a dream,” said Cantuar the other day. I was all agog – I mean, we all have funny dreams about hippos driving…

Barchester will not be recruiting any ‘alternative’ folk into Holy Orders this year

June 2, 2018
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Lawks a-mercy! There was quite a kerfuffle outside Barchester Assizes the other day, one which is having repercussions over the whole county. Inside the courtroom, nine non-indigenous ‘shepherds’ were standing…

Mrs Proudie’s non-offensive edition for the faint of heart

May 26, 2018
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My dears, I must confess it gets harder to write these weekly missives without offending someone. One tries to poke fun and hold our betters to account with humour, but…

‘This is a royal wedding for our times, so jolly good luck to them both’

May 19, 2018
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Royal Wedding Edition Goodness! Such excitement! Such splendour! We certainly know how to do pomp and circumstance in this country, as I am sure you will agree, and what could…

Sentencing Council proposes harsher sentences for those promoting ‘hostility’ towards transgendered people, religious folk or women who seek abortions

May 12, 2018
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Goodness! Still doubt the world has gone insane? Consider this: the Sentencing Council for Great Britain (who the hell are they?) are proposing harsher sentences for those promoting ‘hostility’ towards…

‘Vote now! Vote often!’

May 5, 2018
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Oh, the ways of the world! Though there are local elections being held up and down the country I’m relieved to say this time it is not our turn –…

‘It seems water does wash away sins after all…’

April 28, 2018
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Rejoice! We have a new prince, and the Royal Family are blessed yet again, as indeed is the nation! I am pleased to report Barchester is celebrating in traditional style.…

‘Evil no longer bothers to hide; it just speaks as it is’

April 21, 2018
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Goodness! Its all happening in London, my dears, it really is! Thanks to the multi-cultural charivari of recent years, there is so much vibrant street theatre to entertain and astound.…

‘The world is on the verge of annihilation and the fate of mankind is in the hands of numpties’

April 15, 2018
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Goodness! How busy I have been this week, helping my Lord the Bishop put together the shortlist for the Barchester Awards, when the cathedral recognises the good works of those…

‘It is good to know our bishops have principles, and if you don’t like them, they have others’

April 7, 2018
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Goodness! Whenever in the kitchen making jelly my thoughts turn naturally to Archbishop Welby, who wobbles about on so many issues. I am knitting him a new backbone and will…

“I’ve come to the conclusion that our present Cantuar is a bit of an ecclesiastical push-me-pull-you”

March 3, 2018
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Oh, the frolics and the joy! Snow has blanketed Barchester for the past week, and local children have made the most of it. Snowmen abound on every street corner, and…

Brexit at Chequers: “After eight arduous hours of discussion, argument and counter-argument, they momentously agreed to ban plastic straws”

February 24, 2018
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Goodness! Spies, spies, we are beset by spies! The Jupiter reports sightings of scruffily bearded men in black slouch hats and voluminous opera cloaks bestriding the cobbled streets of Barchester…