Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

“Yesterday we welcomed our first consignment of ‘refugee children’. It was wonderful to see their happy, smiling, bearded faces”

Heavens! A somewhat shorter missive this week, due to a whole vat of nonsense bubbling up on the home front. Not quite as much as behind the scenes on Strictly Come Ed Ballsup, where flouncing off is not just a Young man’s game; nor indeed in the party calling itself UKIP, for the Woolfe is no longer on the threshold of power and all is in disarray. I do think the dancing programme would benefit from a few clerical participants however. We could have Anglicans gliding serenely in the Viennese Waltz (but which partner would lead, I wonder?); Roman Catholics hot-stepping it in the Latin section, and the Orthodox brigade performing Zorba’s Dance. I’m sure the Dissenters could find something to do, such as disapprove. Instead of the ‘Dance-off’ we could have the ‘Head-off’, giving the not-to-be-named denomination a chance to practise their ethnic medieval skills… But I digress.

Autumn has descended on Barchester. The trees are turning and the Cathedral Close is blanketed with fallen leaves of every shade. Speaking of the fallen, my Lord the Bishop and I attended Signora Vesey Neroni’s soirée last Saturday evening, when the cream of Barset society gathered together in all their finery. The Signora was so rouged and powdered I thought for a moment one of those sinister clowns had invaded the company. The Duke of Omnium, who keeps his ear close to the ground in the House of Lords (a strange hobby, but his own), whispered confidentially that Number 10 is going to scupper Brexit by allowing Parliament to vote on Mrs. Dismay’s negotiations with Brussels. This comes as no surprise, as government has a track-record of ignoring the wishes of the people. Bertie Stanhope, fresh from a visit to the United States, had much to say about the dirty tricks employed by Clintonites to get their woman elected, including rent-a-mob unstables paid to disrupt the opposition and engage in fisticuffs – but only when the cameras are rolling. Mrs. Quiverful twittered on about Planned Parenthood to the young ladies present, not that she’s practised it herself. The Bishop, Archdeacon and Mr. Harding seated themselves in an alcove with brandy and cheroots to bemoan the rapid decline in church attendance, the cause of which was no mystery to the Archdeacon:

“No wonder people are turning away when all they get from the pulpit is Transubgenderisation, Trotskyite relativism and the Gospel of St. Camille Paglia. They are repelled by Church Miliband vicars and ‘ISIS wants me for a martyr’ do-goodery. Even Archbishops find it impossible to communicate theology and resort to fudging. Time we got back to basics, and not in a John Major sense!”

There was much nodding at this, but alas I fear Barchester is somewhat out of step with modern thinking. We have only just come to terms with the Reformation, after all.

However, the Cathedral is determined to do its bit, despite Archdeacon Grantly’s reservations, and so yesterday we welcomed our first consignment of ‘refugee children’. It was wonderful to see their happy, smiling, bearded faces as they leapt off the train, scimitars flashing in the autumn sunlight. Before one could say a word they scampered through the ‘Refugees are Welcome’ crowd stealing handbags and pocket-watches and demanding to know where the nearest kindergarten was – so keen to make new friends! We have converted the attic of The Palace into a dormitory bedroom for the little dears, though the cots we provided are too small for these healthy lads, and feel confident that they will settle into Barsetshire life in a day or two. Mustafa Fatwah has kindly offered to take them under his wing and train them up ‘…to ensure Barchester is enriched’. So kind, so very kind.

And there I must leave it, dear friends. I trust, dear Bluedog, that the clickbait factor is not quite so high this week – or perhaps you meant ‘Clicky-ba’, for these days I seldom go abroad without it. I am expected down at St. Cunigunde-by-the-Garderobe this afternoon to admonish the churchwardens over the state of their churchyard – you can pick up all sorts of detritus there according to Mr. Slope. One must be as watchful and as vigilant as the Abbess of Crewe. Adieu…

  • IrishNeanderthal

    Most excellent Mrs Proudie,

    I hope you will not be away for too long, for fear this unruly mob will descend into disorder. Nevertheless, I do have a bone to pick with some of them, a large, mammoth-sized bone.

    It seems that since your recent visit to Bologna, everyone who knows you has been setting themselves up as an expert on all things Italian, and then some. This has caused me considerable consternation.

    Firstly, is it true that one of your companions, someone with a name like Mr Slide, has introduced a concoction with a name like Spag Bol into the British menu? According to a chap with a name like Portcullis, who has been travelling through Italy with something called a Bradshaw, the inhabitants of Bologna cook a delicious ragù which they serve with wheaten ribbons called Tagliatelle. Now it seems that Mr Slide has been passing off as Italian something like school mince with tomatoes thrown in, and serving it with some wormy things, all under an assumed Italian name.

    However, what has vexed me is that since I have informed you that the Italians are instituting a Donkey Party, to deal with a problem of political corruption they call lu magna magna, the “eat-eat” (politicians are greedy), everybody has been telling me that I have got my Italian wrong.

    To be brief, the word to eat in standard (Tuscan) Italian is indeed mangiare pronounced “manJare”, but over much of Italy it is pronounced “manYare”, especially with one’s mouth full. And spelt magnare: (think of the way those fellows just across the Channel pronounce “Champagne”.)

    If people here still doubt what I say, please enjoy this: LU MAGNA MAGNA [VIDEOCLIP UFFICIALE] Tequila e Montepulciano Band – YouTube, which is all about eating.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      A splendid correction of my faulty Italian…many thanks dear Irish N. I must agree, what we call Spag Bol is nothing like the real thing served up in Italy. Ours swims in tomato sauce – there’s is more meaty and less of it, the main constituent being the pasta. I have seen Mr. Portcullis and his chum Bradshaw…they were on a train where the lady vanishes…or am I thinking of two other coves? By the by, I am not vanishing and will most certainly be back next week…my adieu was the usual weekly one!

      • Dominic Stockford

        And there’s has beef and bacon in it, whereas we simply stick cheap and nasty minced beef in ours.

        • Anton

          I’m so hungry I could eat a horse…

  • dannybhoy

    Great post Mrs Proudie!
    I love
    “It was wonderful to see their happy, smiling, bearded faces as they leapt off the train, scimitars flashing in the autumn sunlight. Before one could say a word they scampered through the ‘Refugees are Welcome’ crowd stealing handbags and pocket-watches and demanding to know where the nearest kindergarten was – so keen to make new friends!

    I do believe the Orthodox are also planning a demo in Barchester High Street..

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I have tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks…many thanks for that clip dear Dannybhoy…it was just wonderful!

      • dannybhoy

        I am always pleased to amuse someone whose literary humour I admire and appreciate. As you and probably Mr Slope know, not everyone can do it right..
        I have to admit to having a great regard for Jewish people, especially the devout, -although they often shun us Goyim.
        I remember as a young and more agile man being dragged into a Hasidic dance by these men wearing the peyot (sidecurls) and black suits.. It was both exhilarating and a privilege to experience.
        I often think the Jewish people have a greater ability to worship and enjoy life than we manifest..

        • Dominic Stockford

          Disappointing to see the subtitles put ‘Bible’ when they were clearly singing ‘Torah’, but then given that they used the name of God earlier in the song it doesn’t really matter – they’re in deep doo-doo already.

          • dannybhoy

            :0)
            Clever though, innit?

          • Dominic Stockford

            Yes

  • Politically__Incorrect

    I’m glad to hear of your pleasure at the new arrivals in Barchester Mrs Proudie. The charity “Shave The Children” has done wonderful work in bringing these dear little ones to the UK. I heard of one heart-warming case of a 12 year old boy being reunited with his family; a wife and son of 14 years. They even found him a job guarding the dynamite at the local quarry. Doesn’t it make you proud to be British? The child is of course very grateful to his French hosts for their hospitality over the past 3 years. He enjoyed living in his semi-detached puddle of typhoid-infected water while the French blamed the British for his presence. Such stories engender a feeling of warmth towards humanity.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Shave the children – wonderful!

      • Anton

        Do continue to beard them, Mrs P.

      • Dominic Stockford

        They really ought to shave them before they bring them to the UK, just to avoid confusion.

        • Pubcrawler

          So just the girls then.

    • seansaighdeoir

      Brilliant.

  • David

    Right on the button (all 39 of them) as usual Mrs Proudie.
    Many thanks !
    Where would we be without your penetrating wit and splendid writing style ?
    You fair cheer up our otherwise overcast skies.
    The south-west always did produce more than its fair share of English heroes, and now heroines.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I swoon dear David, I swoon…. many thanks

  • Inspector General

    With a cheery cry of “where do your Jews live?”, the little one’s ran down the street, lifting wallets from oblivious passers-by and pinching young ladies on the bum, before congregating around one of Barchester’s cashpoints. There upon, a local mullah addressed them and assured that all the food in Barchester’s fast food outlets was halal as was most meat in supermarkets and had been for years.

    After lunch of tasty junior kebab, graciously provided by council tax payers, the horde were gifted slogan T shirts portraying “Israel MUST be destroyed” by the hijab wearing branch of the Women’s Institute. Inspired by this, they charged towards Barchester’s central police station where the brave bobbies therein decided not to welcome the joyful arrivals with handshakes and embraces but to lock the doors from the inside and barricade themselves. There soon followed a comforting phone call from the shire’s Chief Constable and Head of Political Correctness who informed the frightened within that officially they were not under siege and that anyone who disagreed might wish to resign.

    After a half hour chanting of “Barchesterstan (sic) has waited long enough for Sharia Law and we demand it now!”, the little terrors then headed off for the 5 star hotel where they were to be billeted for now and evermore, in order to get their heads down by 8:30 pm as all younger teenagers do. However, it was hardly surprising that after a day of wonders, they were far too excited to sleep, and spent the time up to the small hours drinking, smoking, playing cards and watching pay for porn TV of a homosexual nature.

    The following day, social services paid them a visit and reported to the press that they were a damn sight better behaved than British children of that age.

    • Anton

      Which is why we are being given over to them…

      • Inspector General

        It used to be called a clash of cultures, before the EU decreed that unrestricted immigration was the greatest thing and almost half the people in the UK swallowed the lie…still, they’ve been defeated by raw democracy, which many find hard to stomach, especially our darling parliamentarians…

        • Merchantman

          With the festive season at hand how gratifying the magnificent ‘D’ and ‘E’s of the electorate have had a chance to stuff those parliamentary turkeys early.

          • Manfarang

            The two Parliamentary by-election results?

  • Pubcrawler

    “I do think the dancing programme would benefit from a few clerical participants however.”

    Now, who’s in line for the Gay Gordons?

  • Pubcrawler

    To add to the Missing Persons list:

    ubi UB?

    • dannybhoy

      Uncle Brian is probably still sleeping off the effects of the last fiesta…

  • chefofsinners

    Mrs Proudie, the wolf is very much on the threshold, I fear.

    Wolf: Let me in, little GB

    GB: No, no, not by the hair on your chinny chin chin.

    Wolf: Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house up.

    (Wolf puts on the clothes of an immigranny.)

    Wolf: But I am just a sweet little child. You are obliged to let me in under the European Convention on Human Rights.

    GB: My, my, immigranny, what big teeth you have for a twelve-year-old!

    Gary Lineker: You’re all hideously racist if you look at his teeth

    Little Red Corbyn Hood: Behold, Saint Lineker of crisps. Hear ye him!

    GB: Yes, he is surely right, for he used to be good at kicking a bag of wind around a field, therefore he shall be our source of moral authority, and we shall follow him wheresoever he tweets.

    Enter wolf cubs in their thousands. Exeunt native Britons in their thousands.

    • Redrose82

      Do I take it that Gary Lineker was there to welcome them with gifts of Walkers crisps.

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Will any of the youngsters get through Mr. Lineker’s gated community?

        • Inspector General

          Lineker. Isn’t he that former association football player? One suspects he’ll be taking a keen interest in our newly arrived if they are young, black, and can dribble…

        • Redrose82

          Doubtless, assisted by his employers the BBC with whom he must now have won considerably more brownie points due to his condemnation of those he has branded as racists for questioning the age of the bearded ones.

          • Anton

            Why should I mind what Gary Lineker calls me?

          • Redrose82

            I haven’t suggested that you should mind nor would I myself mind anything he called me. The point I was making is that the comments he has espoused on this matter are such as to find great favour with the lefty liberal thinking that pervades the BBC.

          • Anton

            I’m on your side! I was suggesting that right-thinking people couldn’t care less what he thinks of them.

          • Pubcrawler
  • Inspector General

    One is listening to Any Questions on Radio 4 on immigration. That Stephen Kinnock is a right shit. Well schooled by his father so he is…

    • Anton

      Check his CV. He’s never had a proper job in his life.

      • Inspector General

        He loathes Populism. And the definition of Populism: The unpleasant state of affairs that exists when politicians find that they are way out of step from the wishes of the very people who put them there. It’s so very wrong says he. This Prince of Politics is aghast that we cannot trust his and his cohorts judgements. He will not allow for that. Never.

    • David

      Stephen Kinnock is MP for Port Talbot – Neath constituency. I know the area well as I lived there until I left aged eighteen. The unthinking genetic Labour voting pattern of the area, and the utterly useless Labour local Council, turned the youthful, very probing me into a lifelong conservative and anti-socialist. Despite the huge indoctrination that the local labour branch issued, in the approach to the referendum, in support of Remain they voted Leave – I was as delighted as amazed when at 3am I saw that result on the screens. Slowly Ukip are eating into the said Red Prince’s majority and long may that Labour Party demise continue ….. I hope he loses his seat, and soon !

      • People in NPT are slowly waking up, UKIP came a roaring second in the 2015 election here, I could hardly believe it.

  • len

    ‘The children’ have arrived…Wait till you see the adults !.
    Got a feeling we have been stitched up by the French….

  • chefofsinners

    Dear lady, your list of dances omits several key performers:
    The cha-cha-charismatics,
    TV evangelists doing the American Smooth,
    and of course the Pentecostalists doing the Little Black Samba.

  • IanCad

    Wonderful stuff again Mrs. P.
    You are an inspiration to the many here who have posted some very funny comments.
    Why don’t we do revolution??? The BBC headlines the story of seventy more “Kiddie” migrants. Click around as I might, I can find no pictures of them.
    What really has me blowing my cork though is the photo of an actress, of whom I have never heard, one Carey Mulligan, holding a doll in readiness to welcome the sweet little girls and boys.

  • dwmf

    Did you hear The News Quiz last Friday evening? They were trying ever so hard to portray people who doubted the youth of the new arrivals as evil, racist beasts. It almost put me off my port. It definitely depressed the laughter factor. They were wagging their fingers so hard I wanted too bite them off.

    • Inspector General

      Good Lord! The News Quiz! BBC Radio 4 if one remembers. Had to stop listening to it, as that unfunny Danish porker Sandi Toksvig seemed to be getting worse by the week. Never looked back after that, you know…changed one’s life for the better, so it did.

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Ah the fragrant Sandi Trotskvig…Denmark’s answer to Polly Toynbee (but with the humour extracted)

        • IanCad

          Polly Toynbee funny!!??? Can’t possibly so; she writes for The Guardian.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Of course Polly Toynbee is not funny…that was rather my point…

          • IanCad

            Not hitting on all eight today I guess. Forgive.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Benedictions dear Ian, as my Lord the Bishop would say…

        • Inspector General

          One prefers ‘the pungent Sandi’ if you don’t mind, Mrs P. Take a deep breath and just taste that essence of damp straw filling you…

          • chefofsinners

            She meant ‘flagrant’, surely?

          • Inspector General

            Perhaps ‘in flagrante delicto’. That reminds the Inspector. Must make more of a habit of knocking on doors before charging in…

      • Pubcrawler

        Same here. It was never the same after Alan Coren died. Now unlistenable.

      • IanCad

        Just listened to part of it. Infantile, humourless – conformist. The BBC should be ashamed. As for the last Any Questions; I can only say our representatives are grossly overpaid.

        • Inspector General

          The Inspector has an idea for a new original smash hit TV prog that will make him millions and firmly establish him as a prominent influence in the country’s viewing whatever its called…

          “Benders Do The Most Depraved Things”

          http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2016/10/22/a-semen-cooking-class-could-come-to-london/

          • Gasp! splutter! a deep retching uuuggghhh! I’ll never drink another frothy coffee from Starbucks ever again Inspector. The filthy buggers could be passing on their HIV and all sorts. Lock them all up again.

          • Inspector General

            Interestingly, Marie, this development has been warmly received on the comments section. (Actually, ‘warmly received’ is perhaps not the best phrase to use, under the circumstances.)

            So, chin up! (Ah, perhaps ‘chin up’ is perhaps not the best…)

          • IanCad

            Dammit Inspector!! Why temptest thou me? Will I never learn?

            I will copy a response to a similar post from a few years back:

            “Knowing nothing about the guest author of these recent posts, Alexander Boot, I Googled him.

            First up was some outfit called Jack of Hearts

            Let me tell you, any residual neutrality which I may have maintained regarding the Sodomite community has entirely disappeared.

            Fine; what adults do to and with each other in the privacy of their homes is no one’s business but their own.

            The utter perverted filth that is celebrated, wallowed in and proselytized by these sick, sick, souls is a terrible indictment of our society.

            That Desmond Tutu is cheering them on is evidence of his utter unsuitability for the role he plays.

            False Teachers? He deems it fitting to condradict the clear word of God?”

    • Anton

      You just remove the BBC license fee and enjoy watching what happens next.

    • Politically__Incorrect

      I used to be a regular fan of the News Quiz, as were my parents. Bit of a family tradition really. I stopped listening when the BBC turned it into a lefty soap box. You can be sure of one thing about Sandy Toxic, and all the other staff at the BBC; you’ll never find any Calais “Kiddies” living in their homes.

      • Pubcrawler

        Once a current affair quiz for journalists with a quirky sense of humour, now just yet another vehicle for the stable of leftie ‘comics’, e.g. the omnipresent Susan ‘my wife’ Calman and Jeremy ‘I hate the Tories/Israel’ Hardy.

        I had hoped that the appointment of Miles Jupp as chairman in place of Skandi Toxic might elevate it a bit, but it didn’t. At least I’m not paying for it.

      • Anton

        O frabjous day! Callooh! Calais…

        • Inspector General

          Yes, Stanley Unwin would be delighted. As would all normal people that were around before this new breed we call our young were ever on the scene…

          • Anton

            We begat them and brought them up, Inspector. It is the Welfare State that has wrecked everything, and it began for the best of intentions but got hijacked.

    • chefofsinners

      Exactly the same as every other programme on the BBC.

  • The Explorer

    Quick historical recap. Whether they are children or not doesn’t matter: are they young enough to be part of the labour force?

    Three medical developments – the pill, sterilisation and abortion – enabled the West to stop breeding. The West duly took advantage at a time when medical developments also kept more old people alive. Result: more old people than young people in Western societies, with pensions to be paid and expensive medical conditions. Two possible solutions.

    1. Cull old people until the young/old numbers are again in balance.

    2. Import young people from outside Europe to plug the gaps in the Labour Force, and Westernise them.

    Fine in theory. Problem is that more young men than women are arriving, causing gender imbalance among the young. Bigger problem is that they retain the patterns of the cultures from which they came

    • dannybhoy

      Critics say that the logic behind unlimited immigration (your 2nd solution) to cover labour shortages and earn wages to meet the costs of care makes no sense.
      Most of the non European immigrants have nothing to offer the West in terms of education or skills. They don’t have backgrounds in engineering or scientific research, or anything of much use to a western democratic technologically advanced society. Most are Muslims and will be as resistant to assimilation as those born in the West seem to be.
      If as is stated we can afford the costs of absorbing these huge numbers of unskilled migrants to cover the population imbalance, then surely we could afford the costs of promoting the birth rate amongst our own people? There are all kinds of tax incentives to help couples increase the size of their families, as was the case after ww2,

      • The Explorer

        Absolutely. The problem is a spiritual one as well as financial. Western women have been imbued with the idea that it’s disgraceful to want children.

        • Anton

          Not really. They prefer the curse given to man over the curse given to woman.

          • dannybhoy

            Deep.
            Very deep..

        • dannybhoy

          Over the last thirty forty years younger generations have been deliberately exposed to state propaganda in a way that those of us over fifty probably never were. Young women especially are I think manipulated away from achieving educational and professional life skills, and encouraged towards total, brain dead “Bimbodom”, complete with plastic nails and hair extensions.
          The problem is that this exalted status lasts for as long as you remain pert and photogenic. Your value rapidly decreases thereafter..
          Once we stop valuing people because they are made in the image of God, then (in the case of women), worth is measured by physical attributes.

    • IrishNeanderthal

      This article It’s
      Still the Demography, Stupid
      , puts the blame
      fair and square on the Sexual Revolution in the West.