Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Will David Cameron accept a title? Earl of Castironbridge?

 

Goodness! It’s not often my Lord the Bishop stirs himself after supper and several snifters, but something in The Jupiter caused him to sit bolt upright, and it wasn’t the daguerreotype of the Singing Nun on page three. It seems there’s trouble in Bohemia, or whatever they call it nowadays, and the Zollverein based in Brussels-am-Berlin don’t approve. The Czech President, mindful of the utter shambles going on in France and Germany, has advised his citizens to arm themselves in case of excessive cultural-enriching throat-slitting or spontaneous self-detonation. In his view, a government should place its trust in its people. How refreshing, and how unlike our own dear politicians who don’t trust us an inch.

They say laws are for the little people, and so is the British Empire Medal. Not many of those dished out in Mr. Cameldung’s Resignation Honours List. An OBE for his wife’s dresser (shades of Mistress Masham) and an MBE for someone who cuts his toenails. The biggest hoot of all is the Companion of Honour awarded to the Draper, who is as familiar with this noble concept as Attila the Hun was with lentils. We have seen this sort of thing before: Mr. Pitt was renowned for dishing out peerages to all and sundry, and Mr. Disraeli accepted a viscountcy for his wife, who did little but warm his bed at night – not that he was in it much. One wonders if ‘Call me Dave’ will accept a title? Might I suggest Earl of Castironbridge? It has a certain ring to it; a just reward for all the clangers he’s dropped.

I do love summer. Croquet on the lawn, punting on the river and honey for tea. Alas, this idyll is ruined every four years by the Great Corruptathon of the Olympics which dominates conversation and completely takes over the electrical magic lantern. All that money spent on opening and closing ceremonies where colour and movement and Carmen Miranda lookalikes pulverise good taste and elevate kitsch. Have they thrown Mr. Septic Bladder in the Clink yet? Not everyone in Barchester thinks as I do (hard to believe I know). Mr. Slope, an enthusiastic Olympics camp follower, has applied for the position of chaplain to the Men’s Swimming Team, though I can’t imagine those hearties have much time left after training to spend down on their knees. Mr. Slope is more than prepared to scatter his seed on stony ground, but believes he will win converts. That may or may not be so, but one can only admire his desire to evangelise even in locker rooms, swimming pools and Jacuzzis – muscular Christianity in action.

Signora Neroni often makes mountains out of molehills (quite successfully too, thanks to Mr. Worth’s wonderful wired and uplifting corsetry) but on this occasion her indignation was justified. Her Parisian correspondent, attending mass at St. Rita’s Church the other day, was shocked when armed riot police entered and forcibly dragged the priest out of the building (which is scheduled to be turned into a car park). Imagine what would happen if that had been a mosque and the priest an imam – the banlieus would be burning (more so than usual). The Signora asked how the French authorities could be so brutal, so insensitive, so crass?

“They are French, dear,” I replied, thinking once again of the fate of poor Louis Philippe. Enough said.

Outside my window the Town Crier is announcing a terrorist knife attack in Russell Square. Sadly there is a fatality and many injuries. These are trying times, and we must all try to keep our spirits high. Gird your loins with the codpiece of fortitude, strap on the bustier of righteousness and don the helmet of endurance. When all else fails, call upon the Good Lord to do a bit of smiting. He moves in mysterious ways… as does Mr. Slope! May St. Jude the Obscure guide you always… Adieu for now.

  • David

    Truly in making some of these honours, Cameron has topped his characteristically poor judgement. It is almost as if the man relishes the worsening of his reputation, as a sort of deliberate insult to the people of this country. It is very sad, and a reflection on the poor state of health of our body politic, when PMs, on both sides of the HoC receive, within days of their departure, such a through drubbing in the court of public opinion.

  • bluedog

    An outstanding piece, Mrs P. One scarcely needs to peruse the papers in one’s club, your portrait of the week is more than enough to enable one to keep abreast of things, and so witty too. Armed with your jokes one becomes the life and soul of any party. For once.

    But on to serious matters. You ask, ‘One wonders if ‘Call me Dave’ will accept a title?’. A similar thought had crossed this communicant’s mind. One has to conclude that it all depends on his future plans. If CMD is seeking an executive role in Blair Corp or Megabank, a title is no handicap. But if he wants to keep his options open in case Mrs May succumbs to unforeseen circumstances, Cameron must remain a commoner.

    On the other hand, based on the startling promiscuity of Cameron’s resignation honours, the enobling of SamCam would seem only right. After all, the Sheffields are frightfully smart aren’t they, and with Mum married to an Astor one needs to keep one’s end up. Baroness Cameron of Chipping Norton? Hmmm, that’ll do.

    • David

      “Baroness Cameron of Chipping What’s It’s ”
      An excellent suggestion Bluedog, if I may say so.
      But you forget the pressing need for him to also ennoble his long suffering children – after all they had to endure the hardships of living in the parental home at No 10, which is not to be inflicted upon ones sprogs lightly – one can just imagine the schoolyard ribbing “it’s all your father’s fault”. Have a mercy man !

      • bluedog

        You make a fair point, David, but one can’t push one’s luck too far. A good marriage for each of the daughters would be the way to go and no doubt they all are down for ‘approved’ schools. As long as there’s no trouble in Panama the fees are taken care of.

    • Anton

      Good to see the word “promiscuity” used correctly. Once when I was asked at a supermarket checkout if I had a loyalty card I replied that I was promiscuous, and I think I was lucky not to get arrested.

    • HedgehogFive

      But Sam Cam’s father is Mum’s first husband, so she herself is not a native of the Astoroid Belt.

      • bluedog

        One fully understands. But that’s not the point, it’s a question of not letting the side down, or alternatively mother/daughter competition. If one acquires one’s own title, isn’t that one-up on Mum who merely married a title? Carole Middleton would see where this is heading.

  • Anton

    Olympic opening and closing ceremonies are religious rites of secular humanism.

    • Dominic Stockford

      So is shopping…

      • Anton

        Well, there’s shopping and there’s shopping. Gotta buy food!

    • Uncle Brian

      One moment to look forward to in the opening ceremony is the promised performance by Elza Soares, who was invited to take part only three weeks ago. One thing that Brazilians are good at is singing, and Elza Soares has long been the best of them all. She is, however, no longer young. There is no agreement on her exact age: estimates range from 79 to 86. But she is confident she won’t disappoint.

  • michaelkx

    An outstanding piece, Mrs P. and so say i.

  • Anton

    Ironbridge is too good for Mr Chameleon. The place is a testament to honest hard work – unlike his honours list.

  • Old Nick

    The danger, Madam, surely lies in the way that our Dear Queen no longer favours her former Prime Ministers with earldoms (at least not since the elevation of Lord Stockton) but honours them with the Garter (about which there ought to be no damned merit). I feel no particular revulsion at the thought of Mr. Cameron prancing around Windsor in Ascot Week, and at least he knows the way there. But the thought of Mr. Evil Eyes Blair as KG is truly emetic. The little squirt will undoubtedly try to reform the Order and bring it up to date (e.g. insist on synthetic ostrich plumes or a Series Two order of service) or use it to curry financial favour with Eastern Potentates. Thank God that Mr. Broon is more likely to get the Thistle – Tiggers don’t like thistles.

    • Anton

      Who on earth takes toe Order of the Garter seriously today?

      That 1997 Tory poster of Blair was prophetic…

      • Old Nick

        I do

    • Pubcrawler

      Blair rejected both KG and KT. No money in being either, these days…

      • bluedog

        Is that what Wendi told you?

  • sarky

    Should be the Earl of Bedlam.

  • Skidger

    Well said Mrs Proudie. You should be in line for an honour yourself!

  • IanCad

    A delight Mrs P; Septic Bladder – very good.

  • len

    I think everyone in the UK should get an award that would make the whole award process meaningless… ‘Dodgy Dave’ has already done that?…Damn…

    • Anton

      That IS his title.

    • It is anyway.

  • preacher

    Politically speaking Westminster has gone into meltdown, Labour has Corbyn versus an unknown pretender for leadership, & whoever wins looks uncertain to be able to form a decent opposition to a conservative party that has adapted, reformed & got on with the peoples remit to leave the E.U.
    The Liberals – remember them ? are now beached in the shallows feverishly trying to patch up the wreck of coalition, & even UKIP are eroding their chances of being major contenders by playing ” Handbags at Dawn ” over Nigel’s successor.
    It seems to me that Brexit has cleaned house of the dusty musty politics of years past ( Thank God ) & set us on a fresh course of recovering our position in a World of political feuds & struggles that is rocking the very foundations of many countries.

    Who needs the Olympics when we have a competition at home of such epic proportions ? Theresa May’s team look certain Gold Medallists, as leave the last of the ‘ Remoaners ‘ still making excuses & struggling to come to terms with the result.

    Honours lists ? Give ’em all a bar of Chocolate then they can all be CDM’s – remember ( Cadburys Dairy Milk ) or K.G’s ( Knights of the Galaxy ) & go home rejoicing.

    • Anton

      In astrophysics, CDM is an acronym for Cold Dark Matter.

      • preacher

        Very appropriate don’t you think Anton ? But I think those that will appreciate the honour of men more than the honour of God would be happier with a bar of choccy or a bag of Haribo, than a big lump of Cold Dark Matter & what will the wife say when it arrives home, plus where will they put it ?.
        Blessings. P.

      • chefofsinners

        Join the protest movement. #colddarkmatter matters.

  • Always a pleasure to have the week’s news on Albion summarised by you, Mrs P, even when the happenings are strange, silly or sad. And my compliments to His Grace for trying to stay on top of your dumb-struck authorities.

    Speaking of the Czechs and their wise decision to casually slip on an equivalent of the Americans’ Second Amendment, this man’s cronies in the municipal constabulary simply cannot believe that their London counterparts go about a major metropolis with, umm, such a diverse population, relying on little more than their waning authority, a whistle and a silly taser.

    It may seem improbable that if your betters can’t even trust you with information without first clearing it through ever-multiplying layers of nannies, that one day too your government may do an about-turn, and not only arm your police, but loosen the draconian restrictions on its responsible citizens. If this should happen, allow me to crow over the new Glock 42, .38 auto sub-compact I tried with our youngest at a private range recently. A joy to behold and hold, and it sells like the proverbial hot cakes! Light and sleek, just made for the modern lady of taste and substance (do try the excellent and most suitable 85-grain Winchester Silvertip ammo) , perfect for conceal-carry in a hip or a purse-holster (when or where permissible, of course) and even easier on the wrist and to field-strip and clean than my prefetence, my more omnivorous (where cartridges are concerned) mimi-cannon, the .45 Glock.

    There, Mrs P, when the time comes, you can astound and make jealous the crowd of confused ladies at your local gun shop by sailing over to the counter and in a voice ringing with confidence say, “Jack, a sweet G42 for me if you please, two boxes of 85 grain Silvertips for now, and do be so kind as to show me what you have for fancy grips…pink with a bold Paisley pattern would be swell !”

    • IrishNeanderthal

      Avi,

      Nice to see you back again after even a short absence,

      Sorry to bother you on a subject of which his grace AbC has more than had his fill, but when Canada introduced same-sex marriage was it officially described as “equal marriage”?

      What prompted this is only this week we watched our roving presenter Michael Portillo travelling by rail through the eastern USA using an 1879 guide. I skipped the bits about New York City, but I watched him travel through Albany to Niagara Falls, NY. He interviewed a former governor of New York State, who brought up that matter.

      The nearest I have ever been to the USA is the Canadian side of Niagara, but that particular journey of his left me with a noticeable absence of regret over that. Though I must admit, on television at least the country starts to look more interesting south of the Mason-Dixon line.

      • Hi Irish; I always try to make it here on Fridays, scrubbed down, hair slicked back, clean white collar and a cheerfull cravat, all ready for the Lord’s Sabbath.

        Good question; the gov’t kinda snuck this one in. Started as a legal same sex “partnership” provision to sort of approximate some adoects of marriage, not to become such…goodness, no, what a silly right wing paranoid, slippery slope fallacy idea… and then one day, when I wasn’t paying attention, it became a natural, self-explanatory, long-awaited right, passed by our supreme court philosopher kings without requiring any talk or, hah-hah, a silly referendum, since you’d be no better than a slave runner if you were to so much as raise an eyebrow over the topic. (How was that for a record run-on sentence? Victorians would’ ve been proud.)

        And yes, south of Mason-Dixie is more fun, esoecially where people and the Southerner drawl is concerned, but I don’t like heat, strange creepy-crawlies, snakes and and ‘gators, and prefer our great Canadian Shield, about two hours’ ride from where I am. And the tundra, past the northern down-slope of the Shield, is simply sublime, especially when the Northern Lights unexpectedly “blow-up” and dance quietly overhead. Goose-bumps.

    • sarky

      Had the pleasure of firing a few rounds from a few different guns as part of my job. Got to say, you can’t beat the magnum desert eagle for a pure adrenaline rush, although I doubt you could hit a barn door with it.

      • Nice job perk, to let you play with that cannon. A .50! My hat off to you; have yet to try one (if ever)… to fess-up, the idea makes me a little nervous. Never liked big noises and a lot of recoil. With 9 out of 10 incidents of law enforcement….umm, use… happening when a perp is practically stepping on your toes, who cares about accuracy on a pistol anyway. With that monster, you make your own barn doors as required. In Canada cops and border services used S&W .38 revolvers until the mid 90s and there were no complaints….unless you had to reload.

        • sarky

          Was a bit of a beast!!! Had the instructors stand behind us in case the recoil knocked us over. They told us if hit, it could take a limb clean off!!
          You should have a go, defo an experience.

          • Well, after this sales job I’ll just have to. A buddy in Kentucky who operates a range has a bunch. Even an RPG to bother some old car wrecks with…in for a penny, in for pound, as they say.

      • Anton

        I thought you worked in local government…

        • A Desert Eagle with hollow points in a shoulder holster is, in a manner of speaking, a kind of a local government.

        • sarky

          Never said that???,

          • Anton

            I know that, but from various comments I inferred it, clearly wrongly. Not many jobs let you loose with a gun but I wondered if you had found the right council…

    • Inspector General

      Greetings Avi. Has the Inspector bored you with mentioned his old elephant gun lately. It’s now over a hundred years since it was last discharged. One remembers the occasion well. It was at a line of German women and children living in Gloucester being marched to an internment camp at the start of the Great War. Marvellous memories of the thing in action! Talking about being discharged, it seems a similar time since the Inspector himself…but we won’t suffer you that.

      All for the Empire, you see!

      • Greetings, no Inspector, I don’t recall. And guns and ammo never bore me; scotch, herring, and guns’ n Bibles warm this yahoo’s heart. The way those things were made, you can probably bring ot back to life…after having a reputable gunsmith check it, of course. Wasn’t a smooth-bore, I hope, and even if rifled, good luck finding a cartridge for the odd gauging. I once owned an 1880s triple action Mauser sniper rifle with one of those mechanical slide-bar scopes. Was afraid to use it and sold it to a friend. He cleaned it, got cartriges and fired it off. Worked beatifully, straight as a laser and when I took a shot, my shoulder went numb for day. He yried an optical scope on it, but said the old mechanical one was just as good.

    • bluedog

      All well and good, Avi. However if everyone is now going to enact the Second Amendment there is not much point in doing so unless the Mahommedans are excluded from the Firearms Register. Given the current obsession with equality this seems unlikely. In summary, arming the population without discriminating against the Muslims simply escalates the seriousness of the internal security problem we all now face.

  • Eustace

    Poor old Proudie. She clearly dreams of elevation to the peerage. What paroxysms of jealousy and impotent rage will convulse her stringy old carcass when Cameron’s gong is announced?

    • Eustace, safety first! Never jump in like that into a blog with your grating squawks and inanities, to startle Sarky, especially when he’s got that far-away gaze, reminiscing about magnums and suitable targets.

      • CliveM

        I thought he’d blocked you????

        • News to me. Is Linus going around claiming to “block” everyone? At least he’s not bothering the MI6, CIA, NSA and Euro Human Rights Court.

          • CliveM

            I have a distinct memory of a tantrum a while back. But there has been several pints since!

          • Shit, I’m starting to write to myself. See my tesponse above your comment.

          • Inspector General

            Perhaps a few months in a convalescence home, old chap. Very popular with Edwardian types of means, you know.

          • CliveM

            Probably the only way you’ll get a sensible response!

            Tbh I don’t read his essays, life’s to short and his essays are too predictable to bother with.

            Yes he’s scurried off to euro land. We had thought he’d given up here, but Explorer keeps resurrecting him!

          • Ah, yes, that explains the lack of responses. He thinks it’s all about him. Eventually he looks and goes into one of his essay-length , stream of consciousness rage,s because he lacks self-control. Isn’t he in exile in France, trying to save his bullion, castles and helicopters from the dreaded Brexit collapse?

          • The Explorer

            Is he in exile; or has he gone home? It’s a conundrum, if you’re half French and half English.

          • Of all the conundrums Linus has to juggle, that one would be on the easy side.

      • sarky

        Ha ha the only magnum I’m daydreaming of is the ice cream variety!!

        • Anton

          Do ya feel lucky?

          • sarky

            Do ya feel licky?

    • CliveM

      Still smooth talking the ladies I see Linus, you old charmer you.

    • The Explorer

      This reads to me like jealousy of one old queen towards another.

    • chefofsinners

      The Proudage is high above the peerage, as the heavens are high above the earth. They are not fit to kiss her hobnobs.

      • Eustace

        She’s clearly high on something. I suspect laudanum abuse.

  • Inspector General

    An honour for Cameron? Why not!

    Perhaps Her Majesty could make him an honorary footman of the back passage after what the rotter did to matrimony, whether he wants to be or not. Nothing more than that. Certainly not!

    Well, with that out of the way, you find a very disappointed Inspector this evening, Mrs Proudie. Today he had sought to join the latest thing…#blackhidesmatter…but was turned away. For racial discrimination reasons, you see. The Inspector had been planning a one man protest action in support of – by laying down in the ladies changing room at the swimming baths. Anyway, it was a bit of a mistake trying to climb on board. When the fellows finally calmed down, having suffered a mass fit of shrieking and jumping around and shouting comments like “You the man? You NOT the man!”, they informed yours truly that they had no place for anyone with the same skin colour as “the world’s oppressor”. Can anybody use a brand new wrong ways pointing baseball cap?

    Unfortunate, really, as it would have been a tonic to do his bit in that particular room. But it was and is not to be. Still, the Inspector got his own back by contacting the immigration people as he suspected the odour of overstaying of visas was in the air – he’s usually right about these things, you know. They all deserve to be thrown out the country, but the Inspectorate will settle for a handful…

    Toodle pip, dear thing…onwards and upwards, what!

  • William Lewis

    Ah Mrs. P. It must be Friday. The titles, alone, of your missives are enough to put a smile on my face.

  • chefofsinners

    The background on the honours list is as follows:
    George was the victim of a typo. He will in fact be made companion of horror. To reflect his handling of the economy he will also assume the titles Lord Mess of Eton and Barren Outlook.
    Sam Cam is currently sulking because the title Lady Garden is already taken, but will eventually become Countess Pudding.
    Dave, who wishes to be remembered for same sex marriage, will be made ‘Lord of the Rings’, for services to anal sphincters.

    • Inspector General

      Beware the bottom of the garden, young man. For there lurk the sphincter people…

      • chefofsinners

        I believe their leader in the Insphinctor General.

        • Inspector General

          Beware your shirt, lest it rise up from behind…

          • chefofsinners

            Or possibly Chiefofsphincters.

      • Cressida de Nova

        Isn’t that the bottom of the guardsman?Or were you too timid to express that old adage.

  • David

    Methinks that now we need a piece on “Security for Churches”. Perhaps local vicars can lead classes on hymn book hurling or how to use tall candles as maces. For myself I shall be practicing throwing the voice with deadly precision. All suggestions will of course be most welcome.

    • Rhoda

      If you are looking for a piece on security for churches the link to Barnabasfund might be of interest.
      https://barnabasfund.org/news/Pray-and-Protect-resource-available-as-police-advises-UK-churches-to-review-security-arrangements?audience=GB

      “We would like to take this opportunity to remind all churches of our ‘Pray and Protect’ booklet, released earlier this year, which contains practical security advice in light of the threat posed by terrorism. The 82-page booklet can be downloaded for free.”

      • Uncle Brian

        Last week, immediately after the attack on Father Jacques Hamel in France, the Metropolitan Police announced that all churches in the UK were being contacted advising them to review their security arrangements as a precaution and remain vigilant. Barnabas Fund has this week been made aware that police from rural south-west England have since written to church leaders to this effect.

        In rural south-west England the police will need to decide how to deal with the response that can be expected from at least one of the local Anglican clergy, who will shout back at them that there are no Muslim terrorists, that the murder of Father Jacques Hamel had nothing to do with religion, that “Muslim terrorists” are nothing but a fiction dreamed up by the right-wing press, and that it’s all Israel’s fault anyway.

        http://archbishopcranmer.com/c-of-e-priest-says-labours-anti-semitism-is-a-right-wing-plot-and-tories-are-racist/

      • chefofsinners

        I would second that. A copy of the book was passed to me on Sunday. It was written earlier this year and contains lots of good advice. Church leaders do need to consider the risks. Seriously.

      • David

        Many thanks.

      • This is an interesting insight that we all ought to note:

        Churches could be targeted to create social tensions and widen divisions. Jihadi doctrine includes the strategy of encouraging divisions, security measures and public hostility, that will be felt by Muslims and in turn lead to further radicalisation and recruitment into their ranks. Salafists are strongly opposed to any liberal or moderate trends within Islam, and want to radicalise the Muslim community.

  • Inspector General

    More rotten news…

    Boris Johnson has scrapped a controversial ban on the HIV flag being flown from UK embassies and consulates around the world.

    • You’ve left already, so what’s it to you? You’re just looking to piss-off loyal party members and recruit them to the dark side. This is a “No Proselytising” zone.

      • Inspector General

        The Inspector thanks you Jack for informing us all of what can be or not on Cranmer’s site…

        • You’re very welcome, Inspector. While Jack is at it, he notices you attempting to steer the conversation towards that subject. This, despite His Grace’s repeated requests not to do so. Show some respect. There’s a good chap.

          • Inspector General

            The Inspectorate also functions as a news agency, in case you hadn’t noticed, informing Cranmer’s and indeed Mrs Proudie’s following of essential developments relevant to the Christian…

            And now for today’s weather…

  • Cressida de Nova

    The parody of this clever title is probably not understood by the Protestant communicants on this blog who have not enjoyed the benefits of a superior Catholic education.Chapeau ! Speaking of which Signora Neroni has asked me convey to you her displeasure at being depicted as a hysterical highly emotional corset wearing person with French connections.

    • HedgehogFive

      Aren’t Hardy and George Eliot stuffed down the throats of O and A-Levellers these days as part of English Literature?