Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Mrs Proudie: "What’s the point in having an Established Church if it doesn’t thwart the opposition?"

 

Goodness! My head is in a complete spin: on the one hand, the Prime Minister tells us we are far, far safer remaining in the Zollverein where unicorns roam freely and Frau Merkin loves us, each and every one; on the other hand, as reported by The Jupiter, we are warned that lifting visa-restrictions on the Turks will open the floodgates to those who would blow us up. Mr. Cameron may find it easy to believe six impossible things before breakfast, but I confess I am struggling (and, of course, now we know he was always planning to Remain, even when telling Parliament he was negotiating with an open mind. Such fibs). Whilst shopping in Barchester Market Place on Saturday I could not fail to notice a large wagon draw up in front of Mustafa Fatwah’s Kebab and Curry Emporium and several large wooden cases (as large as coffins) being unloaded. Whatever could be inside? Refugees? These are dark and troublesome times, and with Assassins lurking round every corner it does well to be vigilant… and cautious. I am thinking of writing to First Minister Krankie of Scotland to assign Fatwah a ‘named person’, seeing as our local constabulary are disinclined to venture wherever the crescent moon shines.

The more foreigners tell us not to ‘Brexit’ the more I feel it is right to wave goodbye. I don’t know much about this Angelica Jolly-Potty but she is an American actress married to ‘a hunk’ (of wood?) with a pick-and-mix family, and is of the woolly-headed opinion that open-borders are a wonderful thing. I’m told she lives in a gated community with armed guards for protection. No open borders for her then; just for us little people. Still, it is rather comforting to know those outspoken London theatreland-types have opened their mansions and second homes to house hundreds of illegal immigrants, isn’t it? Wonder how they are finding diversity in the raw? Or have I missed something?

“Do you tune into the BBC on the Electrical Magic Lantern, Mrs. Proudie?” asked Mrs. Stanhope at my coffee morning gathering at The Palace on Monday.

“I have no truck with Bolshevism, Mrs. Stanhope,” I replied, and indeed I do not. That Dimbleby creature is but one gene away from Trotsky in my book, and I have no desire to be told at 6pm daily what I am supposed to think.

“Only,” continued Mrs. Stanhope, “…the head of religious broadcasting believes their output is too Christian.” My teacup rattled in its saucer.

“Of course he does! This head of religious broadcasting is a Moslem, is he not?” It was not a question; more rhetorical statement. Mrs. Stanhope confirmed it was so. “Then what the blazes has he got to do with it!” What’s the point in having an Established Church if it doesn’t thwart the opposition?

“Well, that’s just it,” said Mrs. Stanhope sheepishly. “I’m afraid quite a few bishops are in agreement.”

“Suffragans, every last one of them!” I roared. Never trust a suffragan; neither fish nor fowl. Salami slice by salami slice – Halal naturally – everything that makes England England is being done away with. If only they salami-sliced the mawk-fest that is ‘Children in Need’…”

Mr. Slope returned to The Palace in a bit of a lather the other evening, so I sat him down and asked after his health. He had spent the previous three hours down at the Barchester YMCA explaining the intricacies of the Eastward Position to the assembled hearties, and as usual found himself debagged – such fun. But this was not the cause of his distress. This came when he made excuses to visit the lavatory, where he found the sign on the door now read ‘All Genders’ instead of ‘Gentlemen’. He was so perturbed he dared not venture in, and had to cross his legs until, on the way home, he was able to duck into Gropewell Alley and relieve himself. This is the story he gave to Constable Caughtem, and his case comes up next week. This LGBTABC nonsense has really gone too far when the question boils down ‘to pee or not to pee…’, but we live in transformational times.

Duchess Glencora writes of the simply marvellous time she had at Windsor, watching the celebrations for the Dear Queen’s 90th Birthday. Her Majesty sat fixedly through most of the ‘entertainment’ (dread word) but became quite animated when the horses and carriages went round, and round, and round. There was not a rude Chinese person in sight (all below stairs I shouldn’t wonder), so things went swimmingly. Royalty has such a way at making people feel at ease: at the celebrity line-up afterwards the Queen asked each and every performer, “And who are you..?”, putting them all on an equal footing, in keeping with these egalitarian times.

Well, my dears, the candle is spluttering, my quill is worn out, and my Lord in snoring louder than the Last Trump, so ‘tis time to call it a day. Be good…

  • bluedog

    ‘Wonder how they are finding diversity in the raw?’

    It’s simple, Mrs P. Diversity of all kinds is mandatory, except for diversity of opinion. Progress, don’t you know.

    • DanJ0

      Spooky coincidence! I made almost exactly the same comment on Facebook yesterday.

      • bluedog

        You’re a genius!

  • David

    “Whats the point in having an established Church if it doesn’t thwart the opposition?”
    Would that “opposition” be Her Majesty’s Governments loyal Opposition, or the opposing positions taken by rival faiths, one wonders ?

    • Merchantman

      Too comfortable for the church of the Laodiceans. If they dont speak soon it will be too late. Meanwhile out there the blind are leading.

      • David

        Agreed. That covers many of the western Churches. Indeed a Church that follows the prevailing culture away from historic Christian norms, soon ceases to be a Church with Jesus Christ at its head.

        • Merchantman

          See my latest post just below yours.

        • Merchantman

          The cornerstone has become a stumbling block to very many.

    • Merchantman

      To test the waters, just now, I Googled- ‘Christianity’s answer to Islam’ and was immediately thrown off line. Dont breath a word of it though.

  • Uncle Brian

    Dear, dear Mrs P., you mention in passing the Last Trump, in a subtle allusion to the difficult choice that our American cousins will be facing later this year. If the only alternative is the First Lady, that must be an almost equally intimidating prospect.

  • dannybhoy

    Great post Mrs Proudie and very relevant .
    Danny himself has sent an email to the PCBBC commenting on Aaqil Ahmed’s observation that the BBC’s output is too Christian. I wouldn’t describe East Enders as in any way Christian, nor is much of what passes for a religious version of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ (aka ‘Songs of Praise’) particularly Christian…

  • layreader

    The PCBBC’s output is too Liberal, too left-wing, too atheist, too humanist, as well. I don’t see anyone complaining about that – of course not, that is the entire point of the BBC.

    • CliveM

      It is also too metropolitan, London centric and out of touch with the rest of the country. It see’s Hampstead, where most of its managers, writers and producers live, as being representative of the country as a whole. It isn’t.

      • Merchantman

        Not yet connected up to the Northern Powerhouse which is struggling to raise steam. Where is that Watt fellow? I cant see a blinking thing on my new ‘Lantavision’.

  • carl jacobs

    What? There is no mention of hobnobs in this post? We need our hobnobs! Or perhaps some cherry cobbler. With ice cream.

    • IanCad

      No Carl! Not cobblers. It’s crumble. Cobblers is baloney.

      • carl jacobs

        We’ve done away with that “better sort of people” concept in the States. Class doesn’t come into it. There are men of good character. And there are those who support Manchester United. It’s all pretty egalitarian.

        • IanCad

          I’m sure Jack will have you sorted out in a trice.

      • CliveM

        What about clotted cream?

        • IanCad

          Perfect for scones with strawberry jam. Also an improvement over cream cheese for smoked salmon on bagels.

          • CliveM

            But not alas, in your opinion, on Cherry Crumble.

          • IanCad

            Only with lots of sugar spread on top.

          • CliveM

            What just sugar, not even custard!

          • IanCad

            No, No, No! Clive. On top of the clotted cream.

          • CliveM

            Oh I see. I think that might be a little sweet for me.

          • SMOKED SALMON WITH CLOTTED CREAM?!?!

            Oy! A goyishe interpretation of Poylishe Ashkenasi “cuisine”! The only way to take it a notch lower would be for the Spam people to pack it in tins so that Americans can smear it on Wonderbread.

          • IanCad

            No kidding Avi. It lends a certain subtle taste that Philly just dosen’t have. Spreads better, the onions don’t slide off. Cream first, then a layer of onions, Alaskan smoked salmon, another layer of cream, top with the other half of bagel. Yum Yum!

          • In all seriousness, onions ate great for the robust flavour of herring, but will wreck the delicate flavour of smoked lox. A sacrilege too; kind of like munching on a clove of garlic at a Japanese tea ceremony.

          • IanCad

            Avi,
            If you are fortunate enough to have access to the milder, wild Atlantic salmon then you are right. I make a point to buy our salmon from Tesco on the “sell by” date – much cheaper – generally half price. So, an already strongish flovoured fish gets stronger with age. Call it Northern Red Herring.

          • Same here; I spy on two supermarkets in the Italian neighbourhood, away from competing fellow Yids, and get my salmon sides on cut-rate sale. Pacific, Atlantic, Moscow Sewers fishing grounds, farmed in pools of DDT or genitically reconstructed from surplus anacondas in the Frankenstein Laboratories Inc., whatever, as long as it’s kind of reddish, not frozen and has its skin with scales attached. After years of doing this, I find fresh prime salmon bland.

          • carl jacobs

            You aren’t exactly possessed of a great deal of credibility when it comes to things culinary, ya know. Mr “It may look and smell like catfood but … really it’s good. Here. Cauterize your mouth with whiskey first. It’ll help.”

          • Whisky? Perish the thought of such outrageous waste. For medical procedures, industrial solvents and moments of mockery and derision we use American bourbon.

          • carl jacobs

            I suppose you wouldn’t want to waste that precious Coors Light you love and cherish

          • Goodness, no, wouldn’t think of wasting America’s best brew. After years of experimenting with it in my outhouse lab, I discovered the secret to American beers. I will share the recipe, which is homeopathic in its core principles: Pick up a can or a bottle of any non-American beer and mix with fourteen gallons of soda water. Pour the admixture into a mid-sized dam reservoir. Drain and decant into bottles, rip off and mis-spell the name of any respectable European brewery, slap the name on and you’re good to go.

          • bluedog

            This communicant’s late father was a brewer and had a flair for marketing. He introduced a lite beer called 22, after the alcohol percentage. There were howls of protest from the bien pensant who claimed it would encourage gun violence, so it was withdrawn. A pity, ‘cos he was working on 303 and 44 magnum. Sure sold a lot of 22 though.

          • Should have gone for the North American market! We have a Colt 45 here. Never heard of a complaint, but maybe because it’s at 5 or 6%. Not sure how 22 proof would work though (is it same as 11% ?). I find Belgian Faxe beer at 10% strong enough in boozy flavour and effects. Curious thing; I can shoot back neat shot after shot of whiskey with food and in company and barely feel a buzz, but one of those strong beers can make me very silly in a short time.

          • bluedog

            If I remember all those dinner table conversations there’s a big difference between proof and percentage. The latter is what it says it is. Proof is something totally arcane that relates to tipping gunpowder in the drink and lighting it. Such an obvious thing to do on a quiet night at home to entertain the kiddies.

            Google concurrs: http://mentalfloss.com/article/60712/why-liquors-proof-double-its-percentage-alcohol-volume

          • O, bloody lovely! The UK uses gravity as a standard. One set up before Einstein’s General Theory, dark matter, multi-verses, wave/particle conundrums, string theory and all that rot to screw it all up.

          • Pubcrawler

            That’s gravity as in ‘relative density compared to water (or US ‘beer’)’, not Newton’s mystical force. But no longer: it’s all spectroscopic analysis and ‘alcohol by volume’ nowadays — and even (tell it not in Gath) something called ‘units’. And all to levy the correct amount of tax and browbeat the impecunious into behaving as our ‘betters’ would prefer.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Box of hobnobs on its way to you, dear Carl. Of course, I once had a passion for a Garibaldi, but it was a flash in the pan. Hobnobs go with Earl Grey perfectly.

    • There you go, Carl, you got your hobnobs. Included in Mrs P’s shipment you’ll find your long-awaited cheque for your PR work on behalf of the Zionist Occupational Government, signed by me. As per your request, I’ve included a few pieces of shmaltz herring, wrapped in the aforementioned cheque, in the envelope. Any Jewish bank will redeem it (the cheque, not the herring) in that state…wait, that’s all the banks, I guess. Enjoy!

      • carl jacobs

        Well, how convenient! The oil from the cat food has obscured the signature on the check. It’s just sort of an inky blob with no recognizable letters. The bank was most apologetic, of course, but they just couldn’t cash a check in such condition. However could that have happened?

        • Well, that “inky blob with no recognizable letters” just happens to be my thumb print. It’s the best I can do. Sorry, Mister Hoity-Toity, for not living your privileged American life where penmanship was learned between Continental breakfasts at the Astoria and field trips to the Met, but I never even owned a writing implement until the day our outdoor school was issued with sticks to practice scratching letters in the mud. Blood-stained, teeth-gnawed sticks made by scrofulous prisoners in one of the Magatan Peninsula labour camps. And we had to pay for these by gathering all the metal implements at home and smelt them into pig iron in back yard furnaces on one of our weekly Cultural Revolution days.

          You have hurt my feelings now and I have misplaced my thumb. So, you might have to wait a bit for a cheque re-issue.

          • carl jacobs

            Oh yeah. Btw. $14.93 Canadian (Canadian!) was not the agreed price.

          • You missed the small print, Carl. Your eyes are getting old; time to get an electron microscope for the home office.

          • IrishNeanderthal

            I’ve just been watching Canadian Border Security on TV, and seeing someone from the USA with some criminal convictions and an attitude problem get sent back where he came from.

            I won’t repeat what he said, but it sounded like he wanted a rerun of the War of 1812.

            But he was very much of an exception to the general geniality of most folks crossing in that direction.

          • carl jacobs

            As an aside, the careful reader will note that Avi just denied in writing that he could write. I think we know what’s really going on here.

          • Easy solution. Note that my appearance on the blogs coincided with the appearance of digital literacy assistive technologies. Avi mumbles and the moving cyborg finger writes.

          • carl jacobs

            It isn’t working. You’re an artiste. No one is going to buy this faux-illiteracy act.

  • Skidger

    Thank you Mrs Proudie, what a perceptive and amusing post.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      You are most welcome dear Skidger.

  • My belated condolences for the loss of your mom, Mrs Proudie. I lost mine nearly 30 years ago and still feel the loss. There’s no one in the world like Mom. May the Almighty ease your sorrows and leave you with good memories.

    And thak you for your perseverance in writing your poignant and hilarious posts without missing a beat, through thick and thin. As headline news go, your version, um, trumps’em all.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Many thanks Avi…yes, I shall miss her very much, though dementia had started to take its hold…lots of wonderful memories that will always be with me. I have to confess, writing my weekly diary here has been useful therapy…and I am very grateful to His Grace for allowing me such latitude! Perhaps that makes me a latitudinarian like old Archbishop Tillotson, who thought enthusiasm ‘a very horrid thing!’

      • Ah, dementia. Dad no longer remembers who I am, laughs politely and shakes his head when I tell him that I’m his son and shows me pictures of his “real son,” me back in the 70s. Perhaps the present bearded apparition is unacceptable.

        As for the latitude His Grace grants you…and the rest of us too…I think we have incrementally raised the bar to such heights of insanity over the last decades, that precious little surprises him anymore!

        • CliveM

          Speaking of which, fisticuffs in parliament! Your new Primeminister apologising for elbowing an opponent. Incredible!

          • Well, he was a bouncer and an amateur boxer. I think this is what he was voted in for. Certainly not for the boring, old-school, prime ministerial stuff, like fixing the economy, by the looks of things.

          • CliveM

            I was shocked! Don’t let Carl tell you Canada is dull, the US would never be so entertaining.

            They only have Trump. The next leader of the free world. He does have comedic value I suppose.

          • Yes, but their clown will have his finger on the Big Bomb Button…the same one Carl claims doesn’t exist. The one we hope Obama won’t accidently hit when reaching again for his famous “reset button,” situated right beside one if his “red lines.”

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    Not sure Mrs Clinton is of good character either…

    • CliveM

      So I’ve heard.

  • Shadrach Fire

    To pee or not to pee, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to wet ones trousers or find some dark alley, and relieve ones self. I like to follow the advice given in that excellent film ‘The Quartet’ by Billy Connolly. The wise man goes when he can, the fool goes when he has to.

    As to the BBC I would not worry what they do as they have so little effect in the propagation of the gospel. What we need is more disciples who can speak boldly and demonstrate Gods power through healing and the miraculous. Then people will turn off their telly and turn on to God.

  • Inspector General

    It was only a matter of time in the degenerate West that the lunatics would be allowed to take over, Mrs Proudie, and here they are – the trannys. As you know, the Inspector scours the Daily Sodomite for perversions regularly. And this is one development where the inmates are really cock-a-hoop…

    It’s a recent initiative, you know, to make all lavatories, rest rooms, whatever you want to call them, genderless. Cunning Big Gay are keen to impose this on schools first. Well, they ARE interested in corrupting the young initially, although they have had remarkable success with the adult population (who should know better). Anyway, the young are there to be formed and fashioned as you want them to be.

    Considering transgender is a recognised mental illness (World Health Organisation) then these sad unfortunates would be well within their (pampered) rights to use the disabled facilities, but they won’t, bless them. Apparently, they want their derangement soothed by the rest of us, and you can best do this by allowing them to use the facilities of their choice – to wit, the ladies room. So gals, you’ll just have to accept it, having dodgy men around you when you could do with a bit of sisterhood after you’ve relieved yourselves…and of course, who’s to say these men are really transgender, and not sex fiends out to, well, we can all imagine…

    It is all the Almighty’s fault, one does tremble to suggest. He didn’t HAVE to give us gender confused wretches, but He did. For a laugh, it seems, and to add to our earthly burdens…

    Pip Pip!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Of course, the joy of wearing a crinoline means a lady can graceful sink to the floor, her skirts around her, and let nature gently take its course. The knack is to stand up and move on without getting the hem unduly involved…with practice of course all is well.

      • Inspector General

        The point is, Mrs Proudie, is that should genderless toilets go ahead then the young drunken men will climb up and peer over the damsel as she leaks in her cubicle. And perhaps chance a mobile phone under the trap door to get moving images from under the doings.

        As an Edwardian gentlemen, the Inspector must strongly protest!

        • chiefofsinners

          As a gentleman from an era before plumbing, might I suggest a return to the medieval arrangement. The garderobe was a single-user facllity, and anyone trying to get a look from underneath would be in the firing line.

          • Inspector General

            One can assure you Mr Swift, that being in the firing line as you put it will certainly not deter the more enthusiastic of gay types {Ahem}

          • CliveM

            Yuk,yuk, yuk, you just had to say that………

          • Inspector General

            Places of defecation have long held an almost magical attraction for the serious male homosexual, dear chap.

      • bluedog

        Heavens, one never thought of that! One could say they don’t call you Mrs P for nothing, but will resist the temptation.

      • CliveM

        Gender less toilets already happen in France. I have already experienced the horror. When a young lady entered the next door cubicle, things ran as badly dry as if I had a dodgy prostate.

        The horror. Civilisation is crumbling around us.

    • Shadrach Fire

      I am currently in a new boutique hotel in Fuerteventura and it was stated as adults only. They might as well as said no normal people since it is full of strange female and male couplings. It quiet puts one off ones relaxation.

      • Inspector General

        Rather think the clue is in the word ’boutique’…One expects your behind will be mightily relieved to get home…

  • len

    Thank you for your portrait of the week Mrs Proudie and an interesting one it is too.
    The referendum regarding the EU looms ever closer and one can sense the panic rising in the remain camp as the prospect of ‘coming out’ takes on a sense of reality.Enough to make those bankers and high flyers worry about the gravy train becoming derailed?.
    Of course the real whatsit will hit the fan when Turkey and all its satellites burst through the open floodgates and enter Europe let us hope that the UK will have had the sense to distance itself from this madness which is the EU by then?.

  • chiefofsinners

    Congratulations, dear lady. I hear that the high court has upheld your super injunction. Grammar always was one of your strong points. Just my little joke. But seriously, it is comforting to know that the Jupiter can’t reveal your secret: that the mysterious PGS is Proudie Grantly Slope. Let’s hope some duffer doesn’t blurt it on the interweb.

  • chiefofsinners

    Hail Gideon, prophet of the apocalypse, for he hath spoken on this wise:
    “In the day that thou comest out from among them shall the value of thy dwelling descend unto the depths. Yea even thy neighbour’s dwelling shall be sold for a shekel in the gates of the city. Then shalt thou dwell in tents all the days of thy pilgrimage.”

  • michaelkx

    Madam your missive is of great joy to me. “the head of
    religious broadcasting believes their output is too Christian.” Knowing this
    first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own
    lusts, 2 Peter 3:3” so I am not surprised at any of the goings on in this land.

    • chiefofsinners

      Yes, the scoffers have scoffed all the hobnobs this week. Terrible times indeed.

      • michaelkx

        yes and it will get worse

        • chiefofsinners

          Not the buns? Say it isn’t true.

          • Uncle Brian

            The muffins? The scones? The strawberry jam?

          • chiefofsinners

            la, la, la, la, la. Not listening.

  • DP111

    “Burning down the House”

    is important reading, saving to disk, and passing it on.

    http://vladtepesblog.com/wp-content/uploads//2016/02/Strategic-Overview-Coughlin-010216.pdf

  • Campeones Campeones
    Ole Ole Ole!!
    Campeones Campeones
    Ole Ole Ole!!

    • William Lewis

      You’re a Leicester supporter now?

      • I was pleased they won and Man City didn’t, yes.

        • Pubcrawler

          And I’m still smirking (OK, laughing manically) that Sp*rs didn’t finish 2nd. 🙂

    • Anton

      No way Jose?

      • It’s a shame about Van Gaal but that’s modern football.

        • Anton

          Mourinho is a genius but I wonder if his relatively dour style of play is suited to (the footballing) Old Trafford. I also never thought he’d lose a power struggle with a few past-their-best players in the Chelsea dressing room.

          • Let’s be honest, Mourinho’s style can’t be worst than Van Gaal’s. I hope Giggs stays and that the Man Utd style of play returns.

          • Anton

            That looks to me like chalk and cheese in terms of style, but I’m no football expert. (To me Old Trafford means cricket, and didn’t England do well today!)

          • “I’m no football expert.”

            Come now, a lack of expertise doesn’t normally prevent you from pontificating on a subject …. boom …. boom.

            To be honest, Jack wasn’t aware England were playing today.

          • Pubcrawler

            England were, Sri Lanka less so.

          • Anton

            Pontificating? I’m not infallible, but then, who is?

    • chiefofsinners

      Hmm
      The scale of the achievement is reflected in the fate of the manager.

      • Winning the FA Cup in 1990 served as the springboard for Man United’s subsequent remarkable run in the Premier League. It will again.

    • carl jacobs

      [Cough cough]

      Congr.. [Gakkk]…

      [Cough cough cough]

      … [mutter …Crystal Palace …mutter grumble]

      Well … you know. I guess you’ll be insufferable for awhile.

      • Ole Ole Ole!!

        Ole Ole Ole!!

        • carl jacobs

          No that’s what Real Madrid fans will say when DDG goes back to Spain.

          • Such bitchiness, Carl.

            Ole Ole Ole!!

            Ole Ole Ole!!

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            So glad I scribed away
            For you to write ‘Ole Ole Ole…

          • Apologies, dear Mrs P ….

            Ole Ole Ole!!
            Ole Ole Ole!!

          • Anton

            Some relation of Ole Man DRivel, I imagine.

    • Merchantman

      Is this REALLY necessary?

      • Ole Ole Ole!!
        Ole Ole Ole!!
        Ole Ole Ole!!

        • Merchantman

          You have seen what Dear Mrs Proudie thinks of soccer louts, now beat it sonny before I calls the Inspector and you gets a thick ear.

          • Champeones Champeones
            Ole Ole Ole!!
            Champeones Champeones
            Ole Ole Ole!!

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    Well…if my weekly column is going to be hijacked by football hooligans then I simply shan’t bother. Not happy.

    • Inspector General

      Nothing water cannon and the odd sniper can’t sort out, dear lady…

  • Anton

    Tory MPs for Brexit are now so cheesed off with Cameron that if they narrowly lose the vote they say they would force a vote of No Confidence against him. That would force an election which the Tories could win with the right leader… and they would know that fact and choose him to lead them into that election. It could be all bluff. Or not. Interesting times…