Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Mrs Proudie: Theresa May "makes Lucrezia Borgia seem like Mary Berry"

 

Goodness! It is so good to be back enjoying home comforts and the sights, sounds and smells of Barchester (perhaps not quite so much of the latter) after visiting foreign climes. Having been taken up the Limpopo by Mr. Thomas Cook one feels one has seen it all – believe me, some of the natives made sure of it. (Memorandum to self: dispatch three trunks of long johns with extra-large gussets to St. Aloysius Mission, Ugongo, immediately).

But what has one returned to? A nation divided? Gone are the old divisions of Whig and Tory, for now we have Remainers and Leavers, Big Endians and Little Endians, each side hating the other with rekindled venom. Shocking to discover Anglican clergy have been more than un-Christian in their condemnation of Leavers, but witch-hunts are the new national pastime. Barchester on the whole favoured Leave, but Brussels-am-Berlin still had friends here. Signora Neroni, who has tasted more than Chianti during her frequent sojourns on the banks of Lake Como, was vociferous in her support for Mr. Drunker and volunteered to deliver the government leaflets to each and every household in the town. Such a shame the wheel came off her bath chair as she trundled down the High Street, scattering pamphlets to the wind – and who would have thought Mr. Slope so adept with a screwdriver? This afternoon The Jupiter reported Mr. Farage had resigned, joining Mr. Cameldung and the Draper in the dustbin of history. Of course, in Mr. F.’s case, it is an honourable end to a career and, like Cincinnatus, he is returning to The Plough (where I believe they serve decent pint).

The Bishop and I expected the Archdeacon to be elated with the result, but no, he was foaming at the mouth.

“Mark my words, dear lady,” he snorted, “there are vipers and pettyfoggers in the Commonwealth who may seek to overturn the Will of the People! Dark-hearted creatures who are steeped in the ordure of plots and counter-plots seeking only self-promotion and a leg up the greasy pole.”

Having never experienced a leg up a greasy pole, one naturally asked for clarification.

“Why, I refer to that Machiavellian Minx occupying the Home Office! The snooper-trouper, she who makes Lucrezia Borgia seem like Mary Berry.”

Passions are indeed running high. (Memorandum to self: prepare for next encounter with said cleric by keeping a sou’wester and umbrella close to hand.)

But then we learn that nice multi-millionaire Mr. Blair offered to negotiate Brexit terms on our behalf. So kind. After all, he did such a good job as Peace Envoy in the Middle East, didn’t he? Now that Chilcot has delivered we can rest assured Mr. B. is not the evil, blood-sucking re-incarnation of Vlad the Impaler hell-bent on unleashing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on an unsuspecting world that we all thought he was. Most cheering. Mind, I have never seen Cherie and Countess Elizabeth Bathory together in the same room, have you?

Well now dear friends, one must go and finish the unpacking. So far I have discover three refugees hiding in the bishop’s trunks. Nasty. Adieu…

  • michaelkx

    Why, I refer to that Machiavellian Minx occupying the Home Office! The snooper-trouper, she who makes Lucrezia Borgia seem like Mary Berry.” a good one madam, would you put your name forward to be PM?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Well I might be persuaded…bless you!

  • Uncle Brian

    Welcome back, Mrs P. It’s nice to see you on such sparkling form again today. Your inspiring chronicles from the cloisters have been sorely missed.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Why thank you dear Uncle Brian. I do feel rather sparkling…

      • Pubcrawler

        Have you been partaking of the waters of the Limpopo?

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          No dear Pubcrawler, I stick to Malvern Water…

  • len

    Glad to hear that you survived your trip up the Limpopo Mrs Proudie. Also very prudent of you to have made an examination of the bishops trunks…I feel we will need someone Machiavellian to deal with that devious bunch in the EU when negotiations begin,so TM may be the best option?…..

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah len, a good wife always inspects her husbands trunks, not to mention his underwear drawer…

  • makes Lucrezia Borgia seem like Mary Berry

    Jonathan Foreman uses a Game of Thrones analogy: ‘Theresa May is to Westminster what Cersei Lannister is to Westeros in Game of Thrones: no one who challenges her survives undamaged, while the welfare of the realm is of secondary concern.’

    Foreman’s article, which quickly disappeared from the Telegraph website, highlights May’s ability to emerge unscathed from her myriad disasters. Teflon Theresa, a worthy successor to Teflon Tony.

    • len

      Tony`s ‘Teflon’ covering has ceased to function anymore…We will all have a reality check one day when confronted with truth.

  • Politically__Incorrect

    “Big Endian” and “Little Endian” A term from computer technology. Has Barchester moved into the digital age already Mrs P?

    To be honest, looking at the current clutch of high profile Tory Ministers, Toxic Theresa was always going to be a front-runner. The best from amongst the worst you might say. However, sometimes the unexpected happens, like the Brexit Vote itself. The final leadership vote will go to thousands of Tory part members (yes there are still some left). How they vote is still a big unknown. What is certain is that she is not the right person to extricate us from the EU, despite her unwillingness to campaign for the remain camp she sided with. She is however, full of the noxious anti-liberty ideas so beloved of Brussels. Judge a tree by its fruit. Well, we’ve seen the harvest.

    • Pubcrawler

      “A term from computer technology”

      Or Gulliver’s Travels

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Gulliver, dear Politically Incorrect…

        • Politically__Incorrect

          A sad reflection on my current career and lifestyle Mrs P. I’ve probably read more computer books than Jonathan Swift.

          • Anton

            I’m sure you have read more computer books than Mr Swift did.

          • Pubcrawler

            Snap!

          • Pubcrawler

            Undoubtedly true, as Swift never read a computer book 🙂

        • chiefofsinners

          Begging your forgiveness for being uncouth, but if you refer to Mr Gove then Bellendian might be a better term.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            A Big Bellendian or a Little Bellendian?

          • chiefofsinners

            In his own words, he is “not equipped” to be a big Bell Endian.

      • David

        Yes I immediately thought of the two warring sides in Gulliver’s Travels.

    • Anton

      Pat Condell is aggressively secular and lumps all religions together. But he gets Brexit right and has these caustic words for the young who are now complaining:

      • James60498 .

        That is excellent.

    • How much is it to join the tory party now? Mrs May is associated with the nasty party, she said so herself. Mrs Leadsom represents hope and a fresh start as well as the promise of freedom.

      • Bernard from Bucks

        I bet it’s more than the £3 to join the Labour Party?

      • chiefofsinners

        Too tardy, Marie. One has to have been a member for three months already in order to be eligible to vote.
        A pleasing development. It is some years since I have been described as eligible.

        • Jack will sell his vote to the highest bidder. Does he hear £10?
          Anyone …

          • chiefofsinners

            You are a true bastion of democracy, Jack. Did I say bastion? Corrective text strikes agian.
            Try Michael Gove. Word is he’s struggling to buy a vote right now.

        • Bernard from Bucks

          Tory party’s membership has swelled in size since David Cameron quit, with 10,000 new members joining in the four days after his resignation.

      • £25 for standard membership; £15 if a member of the Armed Forces; and £5 if under 23 years of age.

        • Redrose82

          The only problem is that you have to have been a member for three months before you are able to vote in the leadership election. I rejoined the party immediately Cameron indicated he was stepping down but I will not qualify to vote. I would have voted for the true Brexiteer.

  • The Explorer

    Well, she did manage to get rid of Abu Qatada when the previous government had signally failed to do so. It’s no mean feat winning against human rights lawyers. AT least one solid achievement.

    • Anton

      But she campaigned to (effectively) keep us under the ECHR.

      • Pubcrawler

        And took us back into the EAW.

        • chiefofsinners

          Having taken us into the E-AW, one suspects she will also take us into the Pooh.

      • The Explorer

        True, and when he was out on bail it cost us £10 000 a week to protect him after he said the British should be killed (or words to that effect).

        • Anton

          That is the point at which he might have been given the option of leaving, instead of being protected.

          Such protection is not extended to people who convert from Islam to Christianity in this country. Yet it is more needed.

          • Intonsus

            Don’t you mean the option of having protection, but only between home and the airport?

  • David

    Welcome home Mrs Proudie !
    So pleased that you survived the rigours of foreign parts and unfamiliar climes to return unscathed. Clearly you have lost none of your vim and vigour !
    As ever, dear lady, your letters are both witty and pithy as well as most relevant.
    Enjoy the unpacking.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah David, after a week or two with Mary Kingsley and her umbrella, one is grateful for the Cathedral Close, hobnobs and the civilising influence of anti-macassars…

  • Inspector General

    Good day to you Mrs Proudie. One trusts you have left many happy native children behind having handed out your beads. The Inspector feels that if you have to live in these awful countries, then beads would be such a comfort in the absence of hope. Probably.

    Well, Madam, the Inspectorate is most eager to hear which of the two Christian contenders you favour to replace the rogue Cameron. Hopefully before he manages to feminise the best army in the world…

    • Politically__Incorrect

      Inspector, Cameron said his proudest achievement was wrecking the institution of marriage. Now he intends to surpass that achievement by allowing the lassies onto the front line. It’s not a comforting thought that the defence of the nation could hinge on who’s got PMT that day. I presume this is a final act of spite by an embittered Prime Minister who knows he is about to become political landfill along with his role model Blair.

      • Inspector General

        Good fellow, P_I, to share the concerns over the defence of the realm. No concessions in the standards have been announced and the army suggest that only 1 in 20 would pass the required. So, the Inspector is convinced that the only types to ‘benefit’ from the ruling apart from a few super fit lesbians, are the mentally deranged men who THINK they are women.

        Seems to be no doubt in one’s opinion that the scoundrel is once again doing his LGBT mates a favour. No stopping the blighter, while he still has power to do it…

        • The Explorer

          Linus likes him. Enough said.

        • Anton

          Just what went on at Eton?

          • Inspector General

            He seems to have evaded classes to play with a pigs head, of all things…

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Dear Inspector, one tries to spread joy and happiness as one goes along. As for the successor to Mr. C. I favour the new girl on the block. She is tried and untested of course, but Mrs. May has been tried and found wanting. Out with the old and in with the new!

      • Inspector General

        Right answer there, Mrs Proudie. Mrs May seems to have gone back on her word to remove us from the jurisdiction of the bewilderingly satanic ECHR. For shame, madam! For shame, says I.

        • Merchantman

          One almost expects backing down by Mr C but surprised the Lady’s for turning so frequently.

      • Bernard from Bucks

        No more VAT on chocolate hobnobs that’s for sure!

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          One hopes, but the Draper is a cunning beast…

  • chiefofsinners

    You raise the spectre which haunts all our dreams. To wit, the banshee of the home office diluting the heady wine of Brexit with the antifreeze of compromise. When she should be girding her loins for Brexodous, she squats stubbornly outside the Leave tent, pissing in. No wonder she has such awful posture.

    • The imagery turns one’s stomach.

      • chiefofsinners

        Which is reward enough.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Now boys, boys…

          • chiefofsinners

            As the scripture says “never miss an opportunity”

  • Jack doesn’t feel inclined to use his vote for either of these candidates. How depressing our politics has become.

    Welcome back Mrs Proudie.

    • chiefofsinners

      Kitten heels not doing it for you these days?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Why thank you Happy Jack, one delights in a change of scene but it is night to come home…

    • Anton

      Depressing? It’s not been so much fun in ages!

  • CliveM

    Misread the title, I thought it said “Mrs Proudie makes Lucretia Borgia look like Mary Berry”! Oops, hope you had a good holiday.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Clive you are a tease…you really are!

    • chiefofsinners

      Miss Read is not the title. It says Mrs Proudie.

  • sarky

    Oh well, looks like Leadsom has blown it!!!
    Looks like 3 years of the ‘teflon’ lady!!

    • chiefofsinners

      Have you never been on the wrong end of this sort of journalism? You are blessed indeed. If you have experienced it, you know exactly how it works.

    • Like as the arrows in the hand of the giant:
      even so are the young children.
      Happy is the man (and woman) that hath his quiver full of them:
      they shall not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.

      Mrs Leadsom may yet be back…

  • The Explorer

    Linus/Eustace has gone quiet. He doesn’t usually miss a chance to vilify Mrs Proudie.

    He must be relocating his money, emigrating, or working on a new identity.

    • CliveM

      You just had to mention him didn’t you! Well it’s your fault………… Sigh

      • The Explorer

        Evil Eye strategy. Have a picture of it on your boat to keep it away. Mention Linus to keep him away.

        Seriously, though, if his stories about his French wealth happened to be true, that would account for his transfer from France to the UK to evade Hollande-style taxation: like one of the 1789 aristocrats fleeing the Revolution.. That would mean he has funds here to disperse elsewhere. Not even traducing Mrs Proudie could be as important as that.

        • Pubcrawler

          “Mention Linus to keep him away.”

          It didn’t work. Mark 9.29 applies.

          • CliveM

            He keeps doing it as well!

          • The Explorer

            True. He’s back on the latest thread.

    • dannybhoy

      He has become passé, and there is nothing Linus dreads more than to become passé….

  • dannybhoy

    “Having been taken up the Limpopo by Mr. Thomas Cook one feels one has
    seen it all – believe me, some of the natives made sure of it.
    (Memorandum to self: dispatch three trunks of long johns with
    extra-large gussets to St. Aloysius Mission, Ugongo, immediately).

    “Well now dear friends, one must go and finish the unpacking. So far I
    have discover three refugees hiding in the bishop’s trunks. Nasty.
    Adieu…”
    Classic stuff Mrs Proudie.
    Welcome back to “Britain in Peril.”
    No, I don’t believe it’s the same country I grew up in either. Times will change, Progress will be made, but the British character of fortitude, self deprecation, calmness under fire and humour remains -or should remain, the same.
    We are in ‘The Time of the Wobble’, where the full impact of what a slim majority has voted for is only now starting to sink in..
    It is not us decent ordinary British folk who are panicking mind you, but our metropolitan elites, our champagne socialists, our luvvies and graveytrainers, those who know what’s best for us and even better for them.
    We need a light and feminine touch to help steer the ship of State through these anxious waters.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I think one of the great benefits of the referendum result was the kick in the pants administered to the Westminster and Brussels elites…time indeed for the voice of Everyman to be heard. As for the Remoaners, have they really given thought to the abolition of national borders, compulsory conscription into the Euro Army for two years, the imposition of Corpus Juris which does away with trial by jury, the presumption of innocence and the abolition of Habeas Corpus? Did any of this register with Generation Snowflake one wonders? No…to busy concerned with freedom of movement.

  • A hearty welcome back, Mrs P!

    Of course, there have been all sorts of whispers about your lengthy absence by the usual hangers-on in His Grace’s blogospheric residence, and even unkind accusations by the angry youths of the Isles that you verily never left, that as a modern day Britannia you …masked and clad in clinging chain mail and a snugly steel bustier… lured the unschooled and ageing battalions of Luddite Leavers out of their old age homes to the polling stations with free copies of The Complete Megaset of Benny Hill: The Thames Years 1969-1989. However things may be, the nation is unravelling and your firm guidance and sorely-missed hobnobs will do much to restore calm in the land.

    And you mustn’t be cross with the good Bishop and his trunks; with his eyesight failing, it’s very likely that in his haste to assemble a rich collection of flora and fauna for the Fellows at the Royal Society, the poor man cast his net a little too widely; open all doors and windows and put up a bowl of milk and a dozen of hobnobs outside the gate and all will be well.

    Of greater immediate concern would be the doings of Mr Slope as he travels the Continent. All I have heard so far of his adventures took place during his Channel crossing. It is said that even before his boat sailed past the harbour wall, Mr Slope gained access to the kettle of iced punch that was prepared for the dignitaries aboard, quaffed a goodly portion of it, and made off with a thick ham sanglewich from the galley. Spotted by the enraged master of the boat (a blue-light captain of the sternest kind) Mr Slope ran off with his tankard in both hands and the loot of bread and meat clutched in his maw, tripped over a coil of tarred rope left carelessly on the half-deck and plummeted head first down the forward hatchway. All ended well, considering, as the thick and sizeable sanglewich absorbed the impact between head and lower deck, and the ship’s surgeon declared Mr Slope fit for further adventures. One wonders, though.

    Anyhow, Mrs P, a quick rest, a scented bath to soak away the travel grime, and off to the work of healing your sundered nation!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Dear Avi, Mr. Slope’s adventures have seen him return with his tail between his legs…he had a very rough ride in Berlin (but he paid handsomely for the privilege) and his dealings with seafaring folk can only be imagined! But yes, dear heart, the bishop and I have returned to Blighty and we are busy taking stock of things. We are indeed in a state of political turmoil. Our Prime Minister has done a bunk, his party is more concerned with electing the next leader than implementing Brexit as promised and the Opposition…well, words fail me. As for healing my sundered nation, I do swear by hobnobs and a good cup of Earl Grey – if everyone partook I am sure cool heads and common sense would return.

      • Good Heavens! By your description, it is clear that Mr Slope encountered Madam Merkel. You must keep an eye on his private papers and not allow him to publish “anonymously”!