Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Mrs Proudie: No disrespect in the safe space of Snowflake College, Oxbridge

 

Goodness! Though well-acquainted with the modern obsession with ‘make-overs’, I was nonetheless surprised when The Jupiter published photographs of Mr. Lincoln arriving in London to wish Her Majesty well. Gone were the stovepipe hat, frock coat and goatee in favour of something altogether more ‘Showboat’. Polishing my pince-nez and reading the caption, I realised it was not Mr. Lincoln after all but a Mr. O’Barmy, obviously Irish (or perhaps a typo). Telling us all to remain in the German Zollverein for the sake of Uncle Sam will, with luck, have the opposite effect and we plucky Britons, waving our Agincourt fingers, will vote to leave. One suspects a Faustian bargain has been struck – ‘I will help you if you commit British troops to action in Libya’, for example? We shall see. Mr. Slope confided that he, too, has a ‘special relationship’ but we had best not go there. It was noted the President was keen to visit the Globe Theatre – thankfully for Anglo-American relations it was more Twelfth Night than ‘The Glorious Twelfth’, and none of the fawning luvvies was called Booth.

One’s hearing is not what it was. “Prince is dead!”, blubbed Mary Bold, handkerchief pressed firmly against her nose. I completely missed the fact she hadn’t used the definite article, and therefore was under the impression one of the Royal Family had shuffled off this mortal coil. But which one? Albert the Good? Phil the Greek? Charles the Tampon? I had called at Mr. Harding’s for tiffin, not for 20 Questions, and in any case Mary was too distraught to answer. Calmly Mr. Harding explained that the poor deceased was an American singer and sex maniac. “Oh, a musician?” I repeated, never having heard of him. Mr. Harding pulled a face – “I wouldn’t go that far, Mrs. Proudie.”

I’m not sure what is going on at Snowflake College, Oxbridge, but clearly the tail is wagging the dog! Archdeacon Grantly was visiting his old friend the master Dr. Gramsci-Doublethink the other day, and returned with a rum story. The students had invited a Mr. B. Johnson, whom I believe is the Turkish Mayor of London, to speak to them. Aghast at Mr. J’s comments about President O’Barmy’s origins and accusing him of ‘disrespect’, they withdrew the invitation so that everyone feels safe and doesn’t have to listen to nasty things. “Safe space?” roared the Archdeacon. “I’d give the blighters space alright – extended study leave to the North West Frontier. Those Pathans would soon whip them into shape!” At this Mr. Slope’s ears pricked up. “Perhaps I could go along as chaplain?” he enquired. I do worry about him.

Signora Neroni went for her check-up at Dr. Fillgrave’s Surgery on Tuesday only to find her bath-chair blocked at the entrance by the said medical gentleman waving a placard. “I’m on strike,” declared Fillgrave, “along with all the other junior doctors in Barsetshire!” Dr. Fillgrave is 80 if he’s a day, as the Signora pointed out, and could only be considered ‘junior’ if Methuselah was Chairman of the BMA. “It’s all the fault of that Mr. Berkeley-Hunt and his dastardly plan to force the entire medical profession to be chained to their stethoscopes working 200 hours a week,” according to Dr. Fillgrave, who was frothing at the mouth. “I had no idea you were a Bolshevik, Dr. Fillgrave,” said the Signora indignantly before declaring herself ‘on strike’ and slapping the old fool across the chops. One disapproves of the Signora, of course, but on this occasion I find her modus operandi invigorating.

None was more surprised than I when Dr. Livingstone, explorer of the Dark Continent and renowned Newtophile, spurned the crocodiles of the Zambesi for shark infested political waters, but life is full of these twists and turns. Now the former mayor has been thrown out of his party for being beastly to the Tribe of David (personally I had no idea Mr. Cameron had such a large family, but one lives and learns). It will all come out in the whitewash – it always does.

Adieu dear things, adieu! I am taking the barouche to Hogglestock to counsel Mrs. Quiverful on Planned Parenthood. I fear that particular horse has long since bolted, but duty calls.

  • sarky

    ‘Safe space’ , one of the biggest threats to free speech this country has seen. Glad to see many students are beginning to realise this and are holding votes to split from the NUS.

    • Anton

      Yes. Safe space is for wimps.

      • sarky

        It’s just a gag on those who don’t hold the same worldview.

        • Anton

          Agag was put to death in the Old Testament.

          • dannybhoy

            So should this one.

    • dannybhoy

      I do believe it has its origins in America, where as perhaps intended, it is wreaking havoc with the learning process.

  • len

    How very nice of ‘Mr. O’Barmy’` popping in to tell us how we should vote .I used to think we lived in a democracy but I think that disappeared when we joined the EU and we must all do as we are told now?.

  • michaelkx

    well said Madam, Especially the bit about O barmy from limerick. Give him the
    old Henry the V dear lady, I could not agree more.

  • IrishNeanderthal

    Worried about “Mr so-called O’Barmy”’s ancestry? Here is what one reads in that fons spaientiae omnis, Wikipedia:

    The couple married in Wailuku on Maui on February 2, 1961 and separated when, in late August 1961, Obama’s mother moved with their newborn son to attend the University of Washington in Seattle for a year.

    So very little influence from his father, who may well have been a sound Commonwealth chappie, for all we know. But his mother? Well, one of the first things I learnt from my mother about Americans was that “they are always divorcing”.

    Something to do with Wallis Simpson, perhaps?

    (Away from the world of politics, have any of you read “The Third Man of the Double Helix” by Maurice Wilkins, who shared the Nobel Prize along with Watson and Crick “for their discoveries concerning the molecular structure of nucleic acids and its significance for information transfer in living material” ?

    His American wife sprung a divorce on him when their son was only six months old. Something in the DNA, perhaps?)

    • Anton

      If anybody deserved to share Crick and Watson’s Nobel Prize for DNA it was the woman who worked under Wilkins and whose observations reached the Cambridge duo, namely Rosalind Franklin.

      • IrishNeanderthal

        Please don’t be an orc.

        Rosalind Franklin was dead by the time they started dishing out Nobel prizes for DNA. It was not until 1960 that the full significance of DNA was beginning to be established.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosalind_Franklin#Nobel_Prize

        Moreover, Wilkins was not her boss. It was their mutual boss Randall who caused the confusion and acrimony.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_Wilkins#Randall.27s_management_style_causes_confusion_and_tension

        • Anton

          I am fully aware (as a research physicist) that Nobels are not awarded posthumously, but that fact does not nullify my statement that “If anybody deserved to share Crick and Watson’s Nobel Prize for DNA it was… Rosalind Franklin.”

          Although the Nobel Prize was not given for this discovery until a decade later, the significance of the double helix in reproduction and heritance was realised instantly. Watson, in his popular book The Double Helix, wrote that Crick wanted to include an extended section on it in their epochal paper in Nature reporting the discovery of the structure, but Watson persuaded him simply to write this laconic and priority-reserving sentence: “It has not escaped our notice that the specific pairing we have postulated immediately suggests a possible copying mechanism for the genetic material.” It is easy to forget that, before Crick and Watson, triple helixes had been among the contenders for the DNA structure.

          Plenty of scientists write a paper that wins them the Nobel Prize, but not many know it while they are writing it. That privilege was surely granted to Crick and Watson.

          “Wilkins was not her boss. It was their mutual boss Randall who caused the confusion and acrimony.”

          Randall was above them both, but Wilkins had been working on DNA at Kings London before Franklin and fell out with her. The scientific credit for the relevant X-ray images is rightfully hers.

          • IrishNeanderthal

            The scientific credit for the relevant X-ray images is rightfully hers.

            No one today denies that. She would most likely have received it in her lifetime if she had not driven Wilkins out of her office with her pyroclastic temper, rendering further communication between them next to impossible.

            What happened to Franklin is certainly a tragedy, but for some reason you seem determined to diss Wilkins. Especially when the point I was making at the beginning was one about the American attitude to marriage.

          • Anton

            I am indeed keen to make the point that he did not deserve a Nobel Prize. I am not suggesting that he did anything improper, however. Criticism should be directed at the Nobel committees, who should have been quicker off the mark and made better choices. Franklin’s temperament is not relevant to any of that, although I am not disputing what you say about it.

    • dannybhoy

      “The third Man of the Double Helix”
      You mean Karas?

      • IrishNeanderthal

        Boogaloo galoo galoo,
        Boogaloo galoo galoo, . . .

        • dannybhoy

          Stop it. You’re starting to frighten me…

  • Anton

    Ken Livingstone is being cute. What he said was factually moderately accurate; the point is his choosing to say it in an already inflamed debate. For setting the traffic lights to deliberately slow private traffic in London (if nothing else), and for his promotion of multiculturalism and its increasingly bitter fruits, he richly deserves public disgrace.

  • Uncle Brian

    Did Livingstone get entangled in his double negative or did he really mean what he said?
    “ I wouldn’t have supported her if I didn’t think she was anti-Semitic.”

    http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/04/watch-ken-livingstones-car-crash-daily-politics-interview-a-real-anti-semite-doesnt-just-hate-the-jews-in-israel/

  • The Explorer

    Safe space. The Caliph Omar ordered the destruction of the Library of Alexandria. If the books agreed with the Qur’an they were superfluous. If they disagreed, they were worthy of destruction.

    The story is probably apocryphal, but the principle is not. Churches may not be built in Saudi Arabia. Christianity is wrong; why encourage it? It is exactly the same as the justification for a university safe space. If you know you have truth, why give error a voice? Allow the wrong views, and they may spread and overwhelm the right ones. (Which are, of course, Left by definition.)

    As Kerensky said, he wanted freedom of speech. The Bolsheviks wanted to destroy freedom of speech. If he gave the Bolsheviks freedom of speech, they would use that freedom to destroy freedom of speech. And they did. .

    • Uncle Brian

      What’s the outlook for the British Library, Explorer?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Wasn’t ‘lebensraum’ the ultimate planned safe space?

      • IanCad

        Excuse the jump in Mrs. P.
        It would become exactly that after the population had been removed or killed. A chilling parallel.

  • IanCad

    Delightful stuff again Mrs. Proudie.
    Still though, I have the sneaking suspicion that a male is behind these gems. I’m not talking of Mr. Slope – he is likely at the back of other things.

    • dannybhoy

      Definitely a man. A woman wouldn’t write like this. Faint wafts of Hinge & Bracket.. But her writing rather puts me in mind of Quentin Letts for some reason.
      Or, for all you conspiracy theorists/Linus obsessors,, could it possibly be yet another incarnation?
      (cue spooky music..)

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Well let me just stop you there – no, I am not Linus in whatever incarnation he may conjure up, the very idea! So you have sneaky suspicions eh? Well, I shall take a peak below the crinoline just to check, but the last time I looked…

        • dannybhoy

          Until you made your regal re-entry madam, Linus in one alias or another was the chief cause of gossip and speculation here…

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Ah I see…that explains it. Do you think perhaps he’s a bit miffed at not being asked to write a Friday column?

          • dannybhoy

            It’s possible.
            He is well known for his proud and ‘aughty Gallic temperament.

          • chiefofsinners

            It is very possible that Cranmer is keeping his enemies closer. We will await with interest the outcome of Mrs P’s delve beneath the crinoline. If the Inspector’s moustache is lurking, we will probably hear the scream.

          • dannybhoy

            yes, moustaches can be ticklish things. My wife won’t allow me to own one..

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Why, what would you tickle with it?

          • dannybhoy

            My wife is a woman of many parts Mrs Proudie…

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Ah, a woman of sterling character then. Do give her my regards. I shall expect her for tea at the Palace Tuesday next, hobnobs and Earl Grey naturally.

          • dannybhoy

            Very gracious of you Ma’am..
            Thank you.

          • dannybhoy

            ps your Gainsborough billboard is reminiscent of “Gorn with the Wind…”

      • chiefofsinners

        One has not heard from Lienus since the return of Mrs P.
        But then one has not heard from the IG either…

        • dannybhoy

          Cue even spookier music..
          Could one masquerade as three?
          But then, the Inspector has a rather fine moustache and m’lady has none: as far as anyone knows..
          But there again there may be more disguises hidden in that fine bustle of hers…

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            No dear dannybhoy, the three-in-one is altogether something different, but perhaps equally incomprehensible.

        • IanCad

          Sorry Chief, I had not read your comment when I posted above.

      • IrishNeanderthal

        • dannybhoy

          Good one. I wonder what happened to them…??

          • Pubcrawler

            One of them died a while back.

          • dannybhoy

            Shame. They had style.

      • IanCad

        Danny,
        Hinge and Bracket? I had never heard of them so did a quick YouTube check. Those gals are guys!!?? What incredible talent.
        Don’t know about Quentin Letts but can’t help but wonder if some long time poster on this blog is in fact Mrs. P. A touch of the Inspector (Where is he?) A whiff of DanJo?

        • dannybhoy

          Hinge & Bracket
          Patrick Fyffe (an obituary)
          “As the eccentric Dame Hilda Bracket, he recalled a gentler England “*
          http://web.onetel.net.uk/~gedburnell/hingeandbracketlist.htm

          * I like that sentence. As a kid I remember there were lots of entertainment acts that sometimes involved double meanings, that went straight over our heads. It was a gentler, more innocent time.

          Danjo!!
          You may be onto something there..

          • IanCad

            Ernesty could be another possibility, he was completely off the wall.
            I’m still thinking Avi may be up for more than just the drawing. I searched in vain for another bit of commonwealth trivia – Canadida? – but could find none this week.
            We live in a rude, crude, uncultured and fearful time.

          • dannybhoy

            Avi has the intelligence and wit, but is rather more robust in his speech. In any case, I seem to remember he and Mrs Proudie often commented on the same thread, so unless one of them has a split personality… ;0)
            In any case Avi’s got a wounded digit and is currently celebrating Pesach.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Boys, dear boys…you are all so wrong…but ’tis better to be talked about than ignored….

          • dannybhoy

            :0)

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            I am not off the wall, dear IanCad…but Findo now, mmmm…

          • Allosexuel

            Linus souffres wit terribles Candida. Ee may be associant wit Avi.

          • If I could write like Mrs Proudie, Ian, I’d want my name splatteted in 64 pts Helvetica bold with outer glow and animated GIF strobe lights, all spread right across the page. Besides, do you think a Canuck could ever attain such in-depth knowledge of British issues and play so casually and expertly with the idiosyncracies of the language? But I’m flattered to be even considered.

      • Anton

        I don’t agree. Jane Austen could have turned out such stuff, and would have done had she been born a century later.

        • dannybhoy

          Hm,
          I stand by my comment above. Most important thing is to enjoy her writings. There is always room in our lives for a little gentle humour.

          • Anton

            But only a man?

          • dannybhoy

            Sorry mate. I amended the comment.

      • CliveM

        Hmmm your behaviour towards the fragrant Mrs Proudie get less gentlemanly by the week.

        Now you’re suggesting she’s not a member of the fair sex, you cad, withdraw your accusation.

        I am wondering about the Inspector. He’s usually clean of his ITD’s by now

        • dannybhoy

          I think I have long mourned Mrs Proudie’s absence from this blog. I shall cease my speculations as to her fundamentals, because in many ways it is irrelevant to their ability to entertain us.-in a literary sense.
          In fact I have just spotted something which may have confirmed one half of my theory, but blown my suspicions as to their identity clear out of the water…

          I am one of those who notices when regulars are absent from the comments. Right now I’m thinking of Old Blowers, and even HJ has gone quiet..
          All are precious in His sight..

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Do tell…

          • dannybhoy

            I’m sorry, but I can’t. I won’t. I shan’t.
            Yet I can’t deny what my eyes suddenly alighted upon.
            It doesn’t make sense. anyway.
            Friday is a special day..
            It couldn’t possibly be….

  • dannybhoy

    Brilliantly written Mrs Proudie,
    “We shall see. Mr. Slope confided that he, too, has a ‘special relationship’ but we had best not go there.”

    “At this Mr. Slope’s ears pricked up. “Perhaps I could go along as chaplain?” he enquired. I do worry about him.”
    Indeed. This Slope chappie, is he on the level d’ye think?

  • Findaráto

    Zzzzzzzzzzz….

    Can someone wake me up when the repeats of that tiresome 70s TV adaptation of a minor Trollope work is over? Talk about scraping the barrel. Why do we pay a licence fee?

    When’s the remake? Let’s hope the BBC sexes up the 2016 version. That old Proudie bitch could run off with Signora Neroni. Or maybe she could be bishop instead of her husband.

    If the scriptwriters do a proper job, she could defy Church teaching and transform Barchester into a gay wedding destination while opening the doors of the cathedral to destitute immigrant families.

    Now that would be a show worth tuning in for! In the meantime…

    Zzzzzzzzzzz….

    • chiefofsinners

      Splendid work, Mrs P. You seem to have sent Fundy to sleep. Nobody make a sound.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Do wake up in time for your meds…

      • Findaráto

        “Meds”?

        Take care Widow Twankey, anger is making you sloppy. You’re slipping out of character.

        No mid-Victorian bishop’s harlot (for according to the Roman view, that’s what the character you’re attempting to play really is) would ever have spoken of “meds”. Physic, perhaps. Or medicine. But most assuredly not “meds”.

        Interesting slip however. It’s the sort of slang one associates with Valley Girls. And you never seem to post in the morning. Could you be visiting us from another more demotic time zone?

        Next time rage takes hold of you, take a deep breath and count to ten before posting. Of course the real (fictional) Mrs Proudie wouldn’t have to, because even in a blind fury her middling birth and education would supply her with an appropriate riposte. But low born and quite possibly colonial imposters should calm themselves before they strike out. Passionate outbursts always reveal the true self.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Anger? Oh fie, you flatter yourself…

          • Findaráto

            Yes, Valley Girl sounds about right. Let me see if I can translate your last remark back into its original language.

            “Pissed? Dude, like toadily not kewl…”

            How’d I do?

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Yawn

          • Findaráto

            More evidence of your demotic origins, I see. A real lady never yawns. You do little else.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Hark! I hear the clinking chains of Marley’s Ghost…or is it just some French fellow in bondage gear? And methinks your experience of ‘real ladies’ could be written on the top of a pin head.

          • Anton

            Not so much Where Eagles Dare as Where Angels Dance…

          • Allosexuel

            Ee is jeelous of les femmes.

          • Allosexuel

            Yoo show ze Fronch up. Difficolt, I noo.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            I yawn behind my fan, as any gentleman would know…oh, sorry…

          • Findaráto

            As the late queen dowager, an awful old soak with gin-slurred speech and the most vulgar diamonds in Europe, but otherwise decently educated, would have said: “fans is fer ‘idin’ bad teef be’ind, darlin'”

            And she would know…

            No lady has ever yawned, either behind or in front of a fan. Ladies do not yawn. The impulse to do so is trained out of them at an early age.

            Were you a lady, you would know this.

            Guttersnipes of indeterminate origin should do a little more research before attempting to impersonate literary characters of a class, which although relatively modest in itself, is nevertheless well beyond anything they can imagine.

            “Mr Slope, my smelling sawlts!” cries the fake Proudie. That’s right, luv. You take your “meds”. Let’s hope they contain psychotropic substances capable of curing you of your delusions of grandeur.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Can’t be arsed…

          • Findaráto

            Well done old girl! Your command of British English is improving. You remembered to swap an s for an r.

            But oh no! You’ve slipped out of character again! Can we imagine the “real” Mrs Proudie using such low slang?

            Do try and make your mind up. Either you’re a bishop’s wife or you’re not. This Dick Van Dyke-ish mixing of genres makes your literary efforts so very confusing to the senses. One moment we’re in Barchester, the next we’re in Albert Square and from there we ping-pong back and forth across the Atlantic until we have absolutely no idea where we are.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            I defer to your in depth knowledge of arses…

          • Findaráto

            You see, I told you blood would out.

            A fishwife can try to pose as as a gentlewoman, but the slatternly impulse to scream abuse will always win in the end.

            And so much for the fake archbishop’s claim that Conservatives no longer use abusive terms of the past to refer to minorities. The “N word” would clearly be the first thing you’d hurl at any uppity black who dared to snort in derision at your precious and tedious scribblings. It’s exactly the kind of belittling hatred that marks this blog out as one of the darkest corners of bigotry to be found on the Internet.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Way off the mark with that accusation. You are the little boy who keeps whacking the hornets’ nest with a big stick until one flies out and stings you, then you howl and shout accusations…and in so doing reveal your weak spot. Well this is the last time I shall respond to anything you have to say, as it is you, if any one, who makes Cranmer’s blog ‘one of the darkest corners of bigotry to be found on the internet,’ So, Troll, be gone with you.

          • Findaráto

            And Violet Elizabeth Bott’s colonial cousin throws a very predictable tantrum and refuses to talk to that nasty boy who sees her for the pretentious fake she really is.

            Expect next week’s installment of Violet Elizabeth’s pointless twitterings to be even more barbed and acid-tongued than usual. The pH level of the dilute vinegar we’ve grown accustomed to is gradually moving towards the more acid end of the scale. That’s what happens when untalented hacks try to imitate the lightness of touch of a truly gifted author.

          • Dreadnaught

            Finderato in search of the truth

            like Cluseau the famous French sleuth

            saw something spectacular

            in Proudies venacular

            He thought punctured holes in her Spoof.

          • Findaráto

            Oh Good imaginary Lord!

            I see I’m going to have to take matters in hand myself.

            Of Proudie’s abode can we say
            ‘Tis adjacent to downtown L.A.
            By the blue Pacific
            Does she compose her schtick
            But her argot still gives her away

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Findo has a way with the words,
            Though is not quite so keen on the birds
            On the surface a smile
            But inside it’s all bile
            His bon mots are as funny as turds…
            Byron

          • Dreadnaught

            Dear Lady if I may make so bold, Your are missing a ‘not’ I think or should it be ‘knott’ (the bird) in the second line.

          • Allosexuel

            Yoo are a nooghty laddie, Mrs P. When next in ‘Gay Paree’ give me a shoot.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Too kind – the last time I was in Paris was when poor Louis Philippe was king. I went to a ball at the Tuileries, such a splendid affair. Alas shortly afterwards the mob attacked – members of Findo’s family no doubt – and the poor king and queen had to flee. Now they have Flim-Flam as president, no style, no grace…

          • Findaráto

            Mrs Proudie that stupid old wench
            Wants us all to think she can speak French
            Adjectives all askew
            Show she hasn’t a clue
            At such ignorance Trollope would blench

          • “I see I’m going to have to take matters in hand myself.”

            Hmm …

          • Pubcrawler
          • “Snobby bastard”, as we say in Essex …. if one can be demotic.

            He’s clearly anally retentive which, for a person of his inclinations, presents significant challenges.

          • Pubcrawler

            He compensates verbally.

          • Allosexuel

            At leest zis will spare poor Lapin.

        • bluedog

          What’s a Valley Girl? Is this a reference to the Silicon Valleys one sometimes sees?

  • chiefofsinners

    I see that O’barmy has tried to excuse his despicable handling of Churchill’s bust. While we appreciate that he has named Washington ‘DC’ after our current prime minister, one can’t help feeling that Washington ‘WC’, after Churchill, would be more fitting. A recognition of all that he contributed to the insurance industry.

    Meanwhile, Mattell toys has been forced to withdraw their new doll range, Corbie and Ken. Corbie’s fawn lounge suit ‘PMQs outfit’ has attracted considerable criticism from style guru Granny Cameron, while aunty Semitic has some kind of problem with Ken.

    • dannybhoy

      Very good.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Bravo dear Chief, Bravo..I think you could deputise for me when called away on Retreat!

      • chiefofsinners

        No man would remove your bust from the oval orifice, nor from the head of a column.

        • Is there a column’s head anywhere able to bear the pressure of Mrs P’s fine bust for any length of time without collapse?

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Tsk Tsk…

  • CliveM

    Well done Mrs Proudie. A question for you. Your profile of Slope isn’t, by chance, based on a bitter old Anglo-French queen of this parish, who tends to have a problem with the fair sex?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ahhhhh well spotted dear Clive…yes, he is the gift that keeps on giving, a bit like a lifetime’s subscription to Readers’ Digest.

      • CliveM

        He seems very keen to provide plenty of material this week.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          I fear so…perhaps that business with Elton John and Mr. Furnish has unsettled him… ‘Tis said Elton has taken to his bed with a frog in his throat…I say no more.

          • CliveM

            I’m pleased you don’t ……..

          • A peeved Mr Furnish, denied the privilege of a using a title despite being ‘married’ to Sir Elton, commented: “I am for 100 per cent equality across the board for everybody, in all walks of life. So the designation of a title is an example of something we need in order to get there.”

            A somewhat contradictory position. Still, if it makes him happy, let’s call him Lady David.

          • Findaráto

            Oh Front Room, you just can’t help displaying your ignorance for all to see, can you?

            Only the daughters of earls, marquesses and dukes may use their given names with the courtesy title of Lady. All other Ladies who are not peeresses in their own right must use their husband’s title or surname. So Mr Furnish would not be Lady David. He would be Lady John.

            As these are courtesy titles and therefore not regulated by law but rather by royal warrant, the PM could advise old Queenie to make the change at any time and she would have no choice but to comply. I can’t see it happening any time soon however. Equality may demand it, but political expediency means that any potentially controversial decisions are going to be delayed until after the EU referendum.

            Still, once we’ve voted to remain and yet another Cameron victory has confirmed him in the premiership for the foreseeable future, perhaps then he could be prevailed upon to do something. Sir Elton and Lord John has a nice ring to it. Or Baroness Tanni and Lord Grey-Thompson. Or even Queen Elizabeth II and King Philip. Now that would be a welcome change. Throw the old codger a bone before he pops his clogs. Surely after 60-odd years of walking two paces behind his wife he deserves a bit of recognition.

          • Lady John; Lady David; who really cares?

          • Pubcrawler

            ‘Mrs’ Reg Dwight seems to.

            Ah…

          • Wonder if David ever says: “I’m on the John”

          • Pubcrawler

            So long as he doesn’t speak with his mouth full. That would be so … demotic.

          • It’s a word to note for future use ….

          • Pubcrawler

            argot, cant…

          • … the language of the criminal classes.

          • Pubcrawler

            Tsk. The wife of a knight is properly titled Lady [husband’s] surname. So ‘Lady John’ (or ‘Lady Dwight’).

      • Martin

        Mrs P

        Or even a cancelled subscription to said journal.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Martin, that is so much better! Thank you!!!

  • The Explorer

    Turn the poacher into a gamekeeper. Get Linus to write a weekly column.

    • dannybhoy

      He’d do it in French just to be spiteful…

      • CliveM

        Good, even better if it was Hungarian. I don’t understand a single word of Hungarian!

        • dannybhoy

          Goulash! Itsy bitsy! Biro.
          See, I’m fluent.

    • CliveM

      I think that’s your worst idea ever!

    • William Lewis

      Personally, I’d want nothing to do with Linus’ column.

      • Allosexuel

        Et is nooting worf seein’.

  • Dreadnaught

    When Ms Proudie he tried to unfrock

    Finderato came in for a shock

    for what he saw there

    in that dense pubic hair

    over shadowed his own little coq

    Well it is dress-down Friday isn’t it? No offence intended.

    • Pubcrawler

      Ah, like Ruskin on his wedding night. Begins to make sense now…

      • Dreadnaught

        Quite so!

      • Anton

        I believe that’s a myth.

        • Pubcrawler

          That’s no bar on it becoming proverbial.

          There was something about her form that he found so unappetising that he declined to consummate, even so.

        • Uncle Brian

          What, then, is the truth of the matter?

    • dannybhoy

      And none therefore taken.
      What has to be remembered is how easily we can slip from a Christian blog into something less comfortable.. :0)

      • Dreadnaught

        I doubt the good Cranmer would allow such a decline. Being a Christian does not require abandonment of humour (slightly smutty or not) does it? Its Ms Proudie after all not Ms Prudie.

        • dannybhoy

          You’re right, he wouldn’t.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      No hobnobs for you!

      • Dreadnaught

        But… but… but…

  • carl jacobs

    So I read the headline “Prince found dead in elevator” and immediately thought “What Prince? Prince Charles?” That speaks well for my character. I can’t even name one of his songs. Well, maybe. Is “Purple Rain” one of his songs?

    • chiefofsinners

      One gathers that Mr Prince was a purveyor of ‘popular’ music, a form of entertainment for the children of the working classes.
      I’m afraid I can shed no light on the meaning of the word ‘elevator’.

      • Anton

        Is it something that gets you high?

        • chiefofsinners

          I have heard talk of these legal highs. They are apparently jolly dangerous. No doubt Mr Prince would concur.

          • Martin

            CoS

            I believe he was more interested in the illegal ones.

      • carl jacobs

        An elevator is commonly called a “lift” in British dialect.

        • chiefofsinners

          I think you will find that you speak a dialect, whilst I speak standard English.

  • bluedog

    Brilliant, Mrs P, and oh so wicked. The ‘Glorious Twelfth’ indeed. Poor, poor Mr O’Barmy. On the subject of which, one wonders how the loyal members of the Conservative and Unionist Party will react if Mr Cameron succeeds in his plan to reduce the United Kingdom to the status of western Lande of the Reich. Will a local Booth be seized with inconsolable rage?