Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Mrs Proudie: Archdeacon Grantly should lead the 'Leave' campaign

 

Goodness! There we were at breakfast, heads stuck in the Sundays (and me fiddling with my soldiers) when my Lord the Bishop exploded. “Just look at this!” he exclaimed, thrusting The Jupiter forwards and scowling like he’d just been translated to Llandaff. It seems our former Prime Minister and aspiring Saviour of the Universe, Mr. Anthony Blair, not only amassed a multi-million-pound fortune but also, with the connivance of the Treasury, set up a secret trust fund to manage it. Ah well, taxes are for little people are they not, and Mr. Blair has a political dynasty to provide for, so they probably decided to cut him some slack: the Pallisers, de Courcys and Greshams must, in time, make way for the Blairs, Kinnocks and Straws, thus ensuring the country remains in the hands of the great and the good for the next 300 years. I believe it’s called social mobility. I understand Mr. Blair gets paid handsomely for his speeches: if only my Lord’s sermons attracted backhanders from Globalist Wahhabi Bilderbergers he too might have a secret trust. Alas and alack, even on a bishop’s stipend, we cannot afford to be socialists.

Whilst shopping along the High Street the other day, I was hailed by the butcher and asked if I’d listened to Draper Osborne’s predictions on leaving the HRE (Holy Roman Empire). “It’s going to cost each and every one of us £4,300 if we go,” said Mr. Giblets, mopping a fevered brow as he arranged his sweetmeats in the window (he’s up before the Bench next week). “Stuff and nonsense!” I replied. “Project Fear is the love-child of desperate men! All this proves is that Mr. Osborne is a bigger purveyor of pork pies than your good self, Mr. Giblets.” But it made me think. So far the ‘Leave’ campaign has lacked vim and vigour. I do believe they need someone like Archdeacon Grantly to buck their ideas up. I will write to that nice Mr. Farage immediately and suggest it.

Earthquakes in Japan, floods in Houston, Texas and a fire-tornado in Canada… is the Good Lord trying to tell us something? One might respond to that question with the proverbial, ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ but I’m not so sure he is. Thank goodness here in Blighty we have lovely Tomasz Schafernaker sorting the weather out for us – there’s always a warm front down south when he’s about.

One sad note: The Jupiter reported the death of comedienne Victoria Wood on Wednesday, aged only 62. One used to turn on the electric magic lantern and chuckle away as she sang ‘The Ballad of Barry and Freda’. The Grim Reaper is certainly gathering them in this year.

Thursday saw Barchester erupt in patriotic fervour marking the Dear Queen’s 90th Birthday. Bunting was strung from the Cathedral Gate House (he complained a lot but the promise of an extra hobnob on returning to Hiram’s Hospital stopped his nonsense immediately), the children at Dr. Wortle’s School (soon to be an academy) were given a half-day holiday and my Lord the Bishop preached a stirring valedictory wishing Her Majesty another 90 glorious years – a trifle optimistic but… consider the alternative and his wife. Towards the end of the afternoon, Mr. Slope re-enacted Lady Godiva’s entry into Coventry for no good reason as far as I could see (not that I was looking), but it raised a cheer – amongst other things. Unable to hire a trusty nag, Slope improvised by throwing a blanket over two choristers and getting them to bend over and neigh. I have notified Social Services, rest assured.

One must dash. It is my turn to man the Cathedral Close Food Bank for Poor Unfortunates. I shall of course be dispensing lettuce with a gladsome mind and the piece of cod which passeth all understanding. Do drop by.

  • chiefofsinners

    My, my Mrs P, you have been busy since winning the great British bake-off. I was mightily impressed by the orange drizzle which you made for the Queen. Sadly it is not quite a substitute for the purple rain of the artist formerly known as Prince.

  • CliveM

    Dear Mrs Proudie

    You didn’t also use to script write for the Two Ronnies?

    A very observant post today.

  • IanCad

    Mrs Proudie writes so well I can’t help but wonder if she is, in fact, a man.

    • chiefofsinners

      She does write that she will ‘man’ the food bank. It’s a tricky area these days. One can never tell.

      • William Lewis

        Mrs. Proudie isn’t from these days.

        • chiefofsinners

          Explorer claims to know what lies beneath the crinoline. He can settle matters.

          • William Lewis

            The Explorer is one of the most intrepid known to man (or woman).

          • Pubcrawler

            Perhaps we should bring out the chair with the hole and inspect, as it is said of mediaeval popes.

          • William Lewis

            Yes. It should be standard vetting procedure for all Cranmer’s contributors.

      • IanCad

        Well spotted Chief. Time may tell.

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Well…my first version had ‘woman’ the food bank, but it just didn’t look right.

    • Definitely not Avi. I don’t write as well as Mrs P.

      • IanCad

        It was that obscure piece of news from Canada that made me wonder.

        • Ah, thought it was the copyright and my name on the illustration. Mrs Proudie is the sole writer, I’m the doodler. Credits will clarify.

          • IanCad

            Well Done Avi!!!
            I just felt there was something of you in the article.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Excellent work dear Doodler!

          • Pleasure to serve you, Madam!

          • IanCad

            I have not been drinking, neither, as far as I know, am I suffering above average brain deficiencies, but I swear your name has floated around at least three places in the illustration. Firmness, resolution; make a decision and stick with it, please.

          • Relax, I had to change the layout digitally because the format was buggering up the home page and fixed the signature twice. Now I’m resolved.

          • Ivan M

            Very good work, Avi.

          • William Lewis

            Great picture

      • dannybhoy

        That’s true..

        • Thank you…for your candor.

          • dannybhoy

            Sorry, couldn’t resist the opportunity.

    • dannybhoy

      ” I can’t help but wonder if she is, in fact, a man.”
      Tongue in cheek of course..

      • IanCad

        No Danny. Not at all.

  • len

    ‘Teflon Tony’Blair is the ultimate spin doctor and hardly surprising that audiences pay fortunes to sit at the foot of the master and hope to acquire some of his skills Mrs Proudie?

    ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ I bet many in the RCC are wondering exactly that Mrs Proudie. I have a theory regarding exactly that. You never see the Pope and ‘Jim Bowen’ on the same stage do you?. Very interesting as they say?

    Anyway keep up the good work with the poor unfortunates Mrs Proudie (a group rapidly growing under the auspices of Cameron and Osborne)Till next time au revoir…

    • Anton

      I recently bought Tom “the undertaker” Bower’s biography of Tony Blair. I often put coffee mugs on top of books on my desk, to spare the varnish on the desktop. Generally I turn the book over first, because there is frequently minor staining, but in this case I put the hot mug directly on the photo of Tony Blair on the front cover. I was surprised to discover that it wiped perfectly clean. He remains Teflon Tony.

      • Pubcrawler

        Perhaps there’s a portrait in an attic somewhere that has suddenly gained a few coffee stains.

  • Anton

    Also another earthquake in Ecuador.

    It was amusing to see George Osborne stating the cost of Brexit to better than 100 pounds in 5000 having previously said the risks were unknowable. One might be forgiven for thinking he wants us to stay in…

    • chiefofsinners

      An utterly absurd exercise to attempt to predict economic growth 14 years ahead. One might as well try to predict the weather in 2030. These are the people who failed to anticipate the banking crisis, the eurozone crisis, the migrant crisis or the oil price collapse.
      And another massive waste of our money producing these futile calculations.

  • carl jacobs

  • Politically__Incorrect

    ” scowling like he’d just been translated to Llandaff”
    Dear, dear Mrs Proudie. I hope you were not casting aspersions upon our local tabernacle in Cardiff! I can think of worse places the Bishop could be sent to (Aleppo, Antarctica). I can assure you the were the bishop to find himself this side of Offa’s Dyke (some ancient lesbian I believe) then he would find himself well-plied with beer and bara-brith instead of hobnobs. I hear that taffy-totty is also good though I’m not sure if it’s actually a drink or not.

    • Tokalo

      My dear aunt used to play the organ at Llandaff, and my late uncle said I needed Brains – then proceeded to order a couple of pints. Glorious days!

  • chiefofsinners

    Currently available on the BBC’s website is an article on why so many celebrities have died recently. I kid you not. The startling conclusion is ‘because they’re old’.

    • William Lewis

      Reminds me of a Viz article some years ago about the curse of Dad’s Army. The gist of it was that the Dad’s Army series must have been cursed because nearly all the actors had died!

      • chiefofsinners

        Watching Prince Charles yesterday, I was struck that he speaks more and more like Sergeant Wilson.

        • bluedog

          His heart is in the right place, and that’s not a reference to his ghastly consort. Cometh the hour cometh the man, and despite his failings, one suspects HRH is no slavering Europhile, but a British patriot.

    • sarky

      Absolutely gutted about prince, phenomenal talent and soundtrack to my youth.

      • bluedog

        crikey

      • I was surprised to read that he was a JW and that it stopped him having a hip operation.

        • chiefofsinners

          He was more into funk than hip op.

        • chiefofsinners

          Well, well
          All along… the Watchtower.

    • Anton

      More likely to be the start of the deaths of those who became famous to the baby boom generation. If so, expect it to continue.

      • chiefofsinners

        The unspoken truth is that a number of these untimely deaths can be attributed to lifestyle. Even one of their own prophets has said “Live fast, die young.”

        • sarky

          ….and leave a good looking corpse!!

    • Manfarang

      That lady wrestler wasn’t that old (45).

      • chiefofsinners

        ‘Wrestler’. How gentlemanly you are.

    • Pubcrawler

      The once-Torygraph has one as well.

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    I just love the new picture!

    • The Bishop seems to have his gaze fixed on your derriere, dear lady.

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Not that he can see much – I’m wearing a splendid Worth creation with flounces.

        • One will take your word on that, Mrs P. but something is pleasing to his eye.

          • chiefofsinners

            He is confused. He’s thinking ‘what the hell is 91, lezraB ivA?’

          • You think his eye is falling on the dear lady’s shoulder?

          • chiefofsinners

            Of course. Although the whereabouts of his left hand are dubious. It might account for her pursed lips and raised eyebrows.

          • Hmm … he may have an extensive reach.

          • chiefofsinners

            But what man can resist the allure of a well-turned ankle?

          • Pubcrawler

            He’s wondering how he might get that bustle into the hedgerow without alarm, promising as it does a stairway to heaven.

          • Do you think he may be prodding her to hurry up?

          • Pubcrawler

            From that distance? Impressive!

          • Anton

            I have heard a video which did a generally good analysis of the occult in rock songs but which misunderstood “bustle” that way in that song!

          • Pubcrawler

            Is that the da Vinci Code?

    • Thank God for that!

  • Uncle Brian

    Congratulations to the writer and illustrator alike! Indeed, Mrs Proudie and Mr Barzel make a perfectly matched pair. (I trust I may safely compliment them both in those terms without fear of provoking any domestic distress in either Barchester or Toronto.)

  • dannybhoy

    “(he’s up before the Bench next week)”
    Lovely!

    • Not to mention, Bunting was strung from the Cathedral Gate House (he complained a lot but the promise of an extra hobnob on returning to Hiram’s Hospital stopped his nonsense immediately)…

      And the in-depth, um, analysis below of my illustration by Happy Jack, chiefofsinners, Anton and Pubcrawler had me howling as well.

      • dannybhoy

        I offer my support to Mrs Proudie’s ( I understand hers is away for repairs), undoubted literary skills because (s)he has such away with words and wit.
        (Mawkishly)
        One of my favourite books is “John Halifax,Gentleman” by Mrs Craik. Written in 1856 the story is written in a style that somehow reminds me of Mrs Proudie…..
        http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/craik/mitchell/3.html

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    So many kind comments…thank you all!

  • chiefofsinners

    Guns for hire: I see that Obama has spoken of our special relationship, then told us to go to the ‘back of the queue’.
    No doubt Dave will show up in Washington in the autumn telling Americans to vote democrat.

    • Anton

      Both are flawed, but both are better than the present incumbents.

    • Yes, that’s a bit of a contradiction, with friends like that who needs enemies!

    • William Lewis

      Yes. His threat seems to mirror those of the European elites who would apparently be prepared to forego some economic prosperity if the UK were to leave just to teach us a lesson. Why anyone would want to be in some kind of economic, and even political, union with these people is beyond me but Obama’s threat really seals the deal. With friends like that… as Marie has said.

      • Pubcrawler

        He will, of course, be out of office, or nearly so, by then. Obama who?

    • Maxine Schell

      Not to fear! The “guns and Bible clingers” here will probably stay in, praying and shooting on Election Day, and you Brits will be tuning in to hear Queen Hillary speaking to Parliment (at a quarter million $$ per) next year. She’ll “reset” with Putin.
      The government of ‘we the people’ doesn’t seem to be functional on either side of the pond. We might have retained a bit of our Constitution with Cruz.

      • Anton

        I haven’t written Cruz off yet. Trump won’t win if he doesn’t reach the magic number and it the Republican contender consequently has to be decided at the Republican convention – where people are more acutely aware that Cruz is a greater danger to Hillary.

        • Merchantman

          If Trump is sidelined will ‘the patriots’ take it?

          • Ivan M

            No one. Trump brings out the white vote. If he is not the nominee, they’ll stay home excepting the amazing evangelicals.

          • IanCad

            If trickery is obvious the Second Amendment may get an airing.

        • Ivan M

          Balls!!

          • Anton

            Let’s see, shall we?

          • Ivan M

            There is nothing to see. Cruz will lose to Hillary. His Elmer Gantry act won’t pass with the undecided. .

          • Anton

            You might be right. You might not. Only time will tell.

    • IanCad

      The “Special Relationship” is something we believe in and the Americans mention now and then. It means nothing to them.

  • bluedog

    Ripping stuff, Mrs P. One likes the cut of your jib. Keep up the good work.

  • Anton

    Dear Mrs Proudie

    May I bring to your attention the spat between the Benedictine monks of Worth Abbey, in West Sussex, and the whizzkid architect Thomas Heatherwick, concerning the pews which the latter designed for them a few years ago?

    The pews are already falling apart and replacements would cost more than one million pounds. Heatherwick insists that nothing was wrong with his design and that the company which made the pews – which is no longer in business – is to blame. Legal action is likely.

    I entertain the modest hope that you will keep us up to date with developments.

    Yours faithfully
    Anton

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I shall keep my ears to the ground, dear Anton…

      • Anton

        Thank you!

      • Mr Grumpy

        Sympathy with the Papists? I’m surprised at you, Mrs P! If stackable plastic chairs are good enough for Barchester Cathedral…

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Goodness me! I assure you we have stout oak pews at Barchester, worn shiny by countless Protestant posteriors since the Reformation. No, I shall keep my ears open concerning Worth Abbey, where doubtless scandal and depravity go hand in hand…

    • IanCad

      UK architects know nothing about timber design. Witness the Dartington Primary School fiasco. The Oxley Woods demonstration of incompetence. The seventeen schools closed in Scotland -although not of timber – caused by, according to the architects’ spokesman, Malcolm Fraser, bankers and lawyers!
      Good luck getting anything out of Heatherwick – it’s been over a year since the Dartington case went to outside counsel and still no settlement on the horizon.