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Morality is a dirty word

Goodness! Such confusion at the 75th Annual Barsetshire Ploughing and Pig Sticking Competition, held this year in Farmer Gruntfuttock’s broad acres in Hogglestock. In the end it was all down to a straight furrow between ‘The Horny Handers’ from Stogpingum and ‘The Turveymen’ from Ullathorne. Everyone assembled in the medieval tithe-barn and my Lord the Bishop was handed the envelope containing the winner. He stepped forward, opened it and was suddenly at a loss for words, so, being ever-helpful, I took it from him and announced, in clearest tones,

“The winning team is… ‘The Turveymen’ from Ullathorne.”

At which point five sturdy yeomen rushed up onto the stage and their foreman began his acceptance speech.

The poor man had only just finished the ‘My Lords, Ladies and gentlemen’ bit when Dr. Wortle pushed his way forward brandishing another, identical, envelope.

“Stop! Stop! No, no no! Ullathorne is not the winner! The trophy goes to Stogpingum! Please come up and take your prize, Horny Handers!”

There was much shuffling round and loud mutterings of an agricultural anatomical nature.

Well, it was not our fault, though we felt totally humiliated. That’s what comes when you entrust counting the point scores to a bunch of 10-year-old Board School scholars. Dr. Wortle quickly made himself scarce, taking his innumerate pupils along with him. We shall have words.

Speaking of schools, those pesky Frankfurters have succeeded in getting sex-education for four-year-olds placed on the curriculum of every academy in the land. The excuse is to make children safer by being more aware. According to the model lesson sent out by Education Secretary Mrs. Greening, the school teacher will use a bright, colourful story book and woollen puppets as a lesson focus and follow this script word for word:

“This is Jane. This is Jane’s friend, Lizzie. Lizzie is Jane’s very special friend. When they grow up, they are going to get married. They live next door to Susan, who used to be known as Walter…”

Mrs. Greening, one notes, hails from Rotherham, a town not noted for protecting children.

As one of the managers at Dr. Wortle’s School I will do my utmost to prevent such filth crossing the threshold. The state is trespassing into territory hitherto belonging to parents, and it has no business doing so. A parent’s duty is to protect their child or children, and if that means disobeying this pernicious law, so be it. As for that communist London Borough replacing Christian worship with morning multi-kulti-fest, words fail me. The Archdeacon, however, felt no such restraint.

“What is it with these prodnose kumbayistas – do they never rest? Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle, sticking their fingers into everything. Now they want to teach babes and sucklings a different sort of fiddling! They must be resisted, Mrs. Proudie, resisted I say! Morality is a dirty word to such grubby-nailed you-scratch-my-bits-and-I’ll-scratch yours shrubbery-lurking gabardinoes!”

The Archdeacon can certainly conjure up an image out of nowhere. He stomped off to the Barchester Mechanics’ Institute where he was delivering a lecture: ‘Mittens – God’s answer to self-abuse.’ One hopes it was well received.

Mr. Slope got himself into hot water the other day. He was out and about in town, stopping here and there to do a little street preaching, his message being simply: ‘Jesus is the way.’ A crowd gathered, made up mainly of Mustafa Fatwah and his extended family, and things turned a little nasty. Mr. Slope found himself heckled and jostled, but at that moment Constable Knapweed appeared, brandishing his truncheon and looking mightily fierce.

“Allo, allo, allo,” said the constable, “And what ‘ave we ‘ere?”

Before Mr. Slope could open his mouth, Mustafa Fatwah interjected, telling the constable that he was highly offended by the lies and blasphemies spouted by our chaplain and demanding to know what was going to be done about it. The upshot of this most unfortunate incident was that Mr. Slope was arrested and charged with public order offences. My Lord the Bishop and I had to go and bail him out. Dreadful that such things have come to pass in an English cathedral town.

The Jupiter reports, somewhat jubilantly I fear, on the House of Lords decision to knobble Brexit negotiations. I also understand that President Trumpelstiltskin has accused their lordships of voter fraud, with some names on the roll being totally fictitious and instances of dead peers voting. As an American, he clearly doesn’t understand that this is how things are and have always been – the trick is to get Black Duster-in-waiting to whisk away the cobwebs from each corpse before the cameras zoom in.

Well, I have prattled on long enough. I am planning an afternoon drive to Greshambury as the sun is shining. So, as the incontinence pad of time soaks up the juices of youth and the gadfly of liberty flies into the extractor fan of intolerance, I bid you all adieu. Until next time, dear friends, be good.

  • Politically__Incorrect

    It’s all very quiet this morning Mrs Proudie. I guess everyone is in shock over the pig-sticking fiasco. Mr Slope however, might appreciate the actual winner of that other celebrity-rutting competition, the Oscars. I hear he does a bit of moonlighting himself.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Yes indeed, it seems all my friends are still asleep, or shopping, or working hard…as for Mr. Slope, who knows what he does in his own time…

      • 1649again

        Alas Mrs Proudie I was left behind on the last thread, abandoned as it were…

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Never abandoned, 1649, never abandoned…

          • 1649again

            You are too kind Ma’am. The Lord Protector seemed alone with hsi enemies, their hinges had come flying off… But he fought on.

      • IanCad

        Some of your friends – perhaps most – are not sleeping. They are wide awake and shaking with rage.
        Plotting even; preparing, sharpening swords for the day when the inevitable conflict between the true and untrue, the straight and the bent, the individual and the collective, weak and strong, right and wrong – shall commence.

        • David

          Yes the feeling must surely be growing that enough is enough.
          A quote I’ve adopted is that “it’s not about right versus left, but right versus wrong”.
          One hopes that the Brexit referendum result was the opening “shout”.

          • Merchantman

            One hears that the others scream, but we like a jolly good shout. Who’s is it anyway; mine’s a pint of Bristol Bitter please.

          • Manfarang

            Counting under way.

        • Manfarang

          And I’m watching Apocalypse Now Redux.

  • len

    Morality is the new ‘bigotry.’
    Secularists have stood everything on its head.We are now living in a parallel universe…

    • David

      Nicely put Len.

    • Merchantman

      We are called to be in it but not of it so we must be steadfast.

    • Dominic Stockford

      I have a Bible commentary which is entitled ‘Turning the world upside down’ – which the authors claim is what Jesus did. That left me at a loss at first, I thought it must be rubbish, because Jesus put everything the right way up….

      • chefofsinners

        Acts 17:6

        • Dominic Stockford

          Yes indeed, the world, which follows the flesh and the devil, does indeed believe that Christ/Christianity has turned the world upside-down (interesting that the people said it was the men, not the faith, that did it). However, from a believers point of view (and therefore the correct viewpoint) Christ has straightened things out, put it the right way up.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Or bigotry is the new morality…

  • 1649again

    Excellent as ever Mrs Proudie. Can one request an appearance by a band of crusaders to right the wrongs?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Yes indeed, a splendid idea. I understand in Sweden there are the Sons of Odin…perhaps we Brits could form the Knights of Pendragon…or something of that ilk

      • 1649again

        I quite like the ring of “Knights of Albion”. Even the Scots might join…

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Yes that has a splendid ring to it.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            If ‘knights’ is too militaristic, how about Champions of Albion?

          • 1649again

            They’d be crusaders Ma’am, militaristic is what it’s about.

  • David

    Good afternoon Mrs Proudie.
    My apologies for a late appearance, but I am straight back from leading a funeral service.
    Once again Dear Lady you have captured all the irksome news of the last week with a humorous, well aimed, literary swipe at the folly that is presented as wisdom, and taken as such by fools.
    Good day to you !

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Alas, a close friend died last week and we are going to Cambridge for the funeral. It is going to be somewhat of an experience, as latterly our friend joined the Cambridge Spiritualist Church, about which I know very little. We are a little apprehensive as to the form the service might take, but as people say these days, it is not all about us.

      • David

        You have my sympathies for the loss of your close friend.
        Spiritualism. Hmm !
        Walk with God, always nearby you, Mrs Proudie.

      • Anton

        This is occult, with a veneer of Christianity. I’d attend the reception only.

  • Maalaistollo

    You do not indicate, madam, the state of the proceedings against Mr Slope, but it may be expedient for any prosecution not to proceed until we know the outcome of the appeal by the Bristol street preachers (I would have referred to them as ‘the Bristol two’, but some readers of your column might, in their unsanctified minds, have misinterpreted that as a reference to an altogether different pair).

    There is a good article on the protection afforded by the ‘Waddington amendment’ in the latest Barnabas Fund news: https://barnabasfund.org/news/In-2008-the-UK-was-saved-from-a-new-blasphemy-law?audience=GB

    • Coniston

      It appears that blasphemy laws are being re-introduced in Europe – if you insult Islam.
      https://www.gatestoneinstitute.org/10000/blasphemy-laws

      • 1649again

        “If you wish to know who rules you, find out who you are not allowed to criticise.”

        Voltaire (I think).

      • Maalaistollo

        Thanks. The item to which you have provided a link explains Avi’s occasional references to Canuckistan.

      • Merchantman

        Euroland has taken leave of its senses which is very sad but we know that.

        • betteroffoutofit

          You mean it really has senses, once upon a time? Gosh!!!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah he has yet to appear before the beak…

    • HedgehogFive

      There is a section in that article headed “The dangers of Homophobia and Islamophobia”

      Hedgehogs have long been aware that these two concepts form a “sandwich of death” for the Western world.

      • Maalaistollo

        Unfortunately, as the meat in the sandwich, by the very nature of things we won’t be around to watch the fun when the two pieces of bread find themselves stuck to each other.

  • Dominic Stockford

    Apparently the award givers and receivers and self-congraltulatory idol worshippers were, they say, “telling the truth”, which they claim is not what their arch-foe Mr Trumpelstiltskin does. In which case Ullathorne must have won.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      And I never mentioned the Pig Sticking verdict, though that competition was judged by a Mr. Cameron, I believe…

      • Inspector General

        They play cock-a-hoop round Gloucester way. Thought you should know that…

        • 1649again

          The fine old game of Aunt Sally is played around Oxon. Most village pubs have a team.

      • Merchantman

        Don’t say it was Mustapha Fatwah?

  • Dominic Stockford

    I note that the dreaded BBC, in a news report about the (not unreasonable) zero hours contracts managed to find a women to defend them, because they allowed her to ‘be at home with her wife’ when she wanted to be. How long did they have to search to find such a perversion of godliness.

    Oh, and just in case,’bye-bye’, because having written that I might be gone some time

  • Inspector General

    Good day to you, Mrs Proudie

    The Inspector has now established what has caused this tranny fever sweeping the country, and publishes to an anticipating world accordingly…

    It comes down entirely to the mother. Too many women are teaming up with effete men, who are ‘soul mates’ so they can acquire a ‘life companion’. (A pause now, so the Inspector can spit in disgust.)

    Now, in times past, one doubts this poor breeding stock would ever have the ability to produce enough viable seed to impregnate madam as now, and thus the (additional) services of the milkman would be sought. But milkmen are scare types these days and the lady must make do with what’s on hand, so to speak. To wit, the gentle Jenny she married. The Inspector suspects this explains the long queue at the fertility clinic for the laboratory produced fertilised ovum. Pitiful really…

    So there you go. If you gals of child bearing age want to push out something that is going to be psychotic, de facto sterile and clueless as to what he or she or they are, keep dating the Nancy boys. It will bloody well serve you right for your troubles…

    Or you could find yourself a real man who does not possess a feminine side…

    There. Said it!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Goodness me, Inspector, one suspects you have been at the Irn Brew again, or perhaps it is the sap that’s rising!

      • Inspector General

        It will be front page news tomorrow, dear lady, you mark the Inspector’s words. Really, some of these dandy characters around don’t deserve to have gonads…

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          I think they are known as ‘Hipsters’…

          • Inspector General

            Not ‘Teds’ then…

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Far too masculine, Inspector…

          • Inspector General

            One bows to your greater knowledge of the subject, madam.

          • chefofsinners

            Synod? Surely not?

        • worrywort

          Fertility Clinics indeed. for some strange reason these dandy types “send the Ferret down the wrong Burrow”.

          • Inspector General

            A most useful phrase, worrywort, that deserves to be heard at synod.

    • 1649again

      LOLzzz. You certainly did IG!

  • carl jacobs

    The Spirit of Mrs Proudie has crossed the Atlantic.

    http://royalistpartyusa.wixsite.com/-royalist-party-usa

    • Inspector General

      Is that your doing, Carl…

      • carl jacobs

        No I just stumbled onto it.

        • Like this objective: Implement a Distributist economy and social policy.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Isn’t that just a tad communistical?

          • Maalaistollo

            G K Chestertonian, I rather think, ma’am.

          • carl jacobs

            Well, you know … Jack may be a Catholic but in his heart he is a Catholic Trotskyist.

          • At least Jack has a heart.
            Trotsky had more in common with Cromwell than with Happy Jack.

          • 1649again

            One didn’t know that Trotsky was a born again Christian.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          A royalist party…well who would have thought it Be careful wht you wish for, Prince Charles is waiting in the wings…

          • carl jacobs

            Membership numbers are not available but rumor has it that party membership doubled when Muffin, the blog owner’s cat, joined the party.

    • 1649again

      Looks rather good…

    • David

      Well I never !
      Remember what happened to ancient Israel when they asked God for a king…..

    • bluedog

      Just the job for Harry and Meghan.

  • betteroffoutofit

    Meanwhile, in and out the classroom — Mr. Rick Riordan of Boston (Mass/US) is multiplying his millions and his series of books for youth/teenagers, all of which are avidly consumed around the world. First there was Percy Jackson, and now there’s Magnus Chase – and guess which bit of PC Marxist filth they’re prioritising. Oh yes indeedy, Proud Lady, they’re right there surpassing Mr. Slope, your Susan and Walter, etc.

    In the last few weeks, Riordan (who used to be an English teacher) has taken on Texas about the issue. As far as I know so far, no one’s gathering together any PTA’s in an opposing move to “save the children.” If I had to, I’d guess Rowling’s Harry Potter and Dumbledore have joined Percy and Magnus — and they’ve hexed all those mythophiles into submission …

  • Politically__Incorrect

    For those not suffering from petition fatigue here is another one to replace the House of Lords with an elected body….

    https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/170686

    • betteroffoutofit

      So why would we want TWO so-called “elected bodies”? What difference will it make — neither of them will care about the people, or have any stake in Britain’s ancient heritage. They’ll just be stuffed full of aliens and quislings, and carry on stuffing everything they can in the same way.

      • Inspector General

        After the SSM fiasco, a second chamber, if we retain one, should be staffed exclusively by psychiatrists…

        • Royinsouthwest

          They would be madder than anybody!

      • Politically__Incorrect

        In my view, if the HOL is going to make decisions that affect the course of this nation and Her Majesty’s subjects, then it should be accountable to those subjects. Better that than the over-sized, unaccountable body it is now.

        • betteroffoutofit

          So does HoL now have more than a power of veto? Your argument, of course, is an old one. Many shared that opinion before it turned into the fiasco it is now.

          However, my argument is that the “Commons” is supposed to represent the nation – but it no longer does so. We wouldn’t be under the heel of the eu/German boot if it did.

          Further, because the “Commons” (traitor “representatives” of the people) now stuffs the HoL full of its own kind, there’s no difference between the two houses.

          So I say — clean ’em BOTH out. Forget begging the eu’s placemen to do anything for us.

          • bluedog

            The appropriate enema is a federal constitution. Given your evident understanding of matters US, one suggests you give some thought as to how a federal constitution could be applied to the UK. An understanding of federal constitutional structures is extremely rare in the UK, particularly within the political class who seem to remain largely unitary in thought.

          • betteroffoutofit

            Oh, Dear Doggie — you jest! You know I’m just not that impressed with Vespucci-Land; ‘ma foi’, I certainly don’t want to copy it. Indeed, I fear many of our problems stem from that very trend.
            Truly, I’d vote for our own more tried and considered blend of cultures.

          • bluedog

            The point is that thanks to Blair the UK has become a quasi-federal state yet largely retains the institutional structure of a unitary state. This mismatch means that political stability is dependent on everyone doing the right thing and behaving politely. It follows that there are two options; firstly revoke all acts establishing devolved parliaments and return to direct rule. Secondly make a proper job of federalism, including an English parliament. It’s hard to believe that the current situation is sustainable in the long term. If the decision is to retain the devolved model, anti-Americanism is no excuse for failing to pursue a federal constitution such as that enjoyed by Spain.

          • betteroffoutofit

            I have to admit that your terminology leaves me with hours of work ahead … I have no idea what you mean by all these different structural models. All I know – anti-yankee or not – is that the US of A is just a step or two behind us in suffering destruction; and on a much more massive scale (internally speaking).
            Their model doesn’t hold up, now the the marxist-deconstructionist-ad-hom-cause-stalking-commie-frankfurters have taken control. Ma Foi and all. It never did work, anyway, to pretend that they could vote in a temporary personage, let it playact at monarchy for a few years at a stretch, and then replace it with another.

            As for copying the Spanish … what a shame we ever fought the Armada, then; etc. etc. etc.

            Essentially, I’m not for copying. We’re us, not anybody else. That doesn’t mean we can’t do as we always did, and adapt this or that to suit ourselves and what we already have. Overall, though, I say there’s not a whole lot wrong with trusting one’s fellow indigenes “to do the right thing” – especially when we’ve spent thousands of years in establishing and develop that very right to choose, and to deserve respect. And especially when the identification of “right” resonates with our Christianity.
            ____________
            PS: It’s also worth remembering that the US of A is made up not just of Brits (of criminal, aristo, and mercantile classes), but also of substantial communities of Germans, Frogs, Eyeteyes, AfAms, Spics, Scandinavians, Jews, various ‘Native American’ tribes (who weren’t enfranchised until well into the 1900s) and other odds and ends, some of which are new to the mix. Most of them are not very like us – their ways are not quite our ways; their arrogance is far more euro than ours.

      • Inspector General

        Can’t reply to your latest post, but…

        You need to log back into discus, old chap. It needs your password.

        • betteroffoutofit

          Thanks, IG. D marked it as spam, would you believe! And HG is now considering the post …
          Meanwhile, I added a link http://all-things-demigod.tumblr.com/post/66710097002/rick-riordan-on-nicos-character-in-the-house-of-
          That presents the authorial pov; noting, also, that the original link to his statement is now inoperable.

          • Inspector General

            It must be the wrech Linus behind this outrage…

          • betteroffoutofit

            🙂 I’m seriously concerned on this one, as I know some very nice children who love the books. At least, I’d like parents to be aware of what the young ‘uns are facing … so that traditional (not only X-n) insight has a chance of establishing istelf!

          • Inspector General

            Here’s some more disgusting propaganda out to corrupt the very young….

            http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/03/02/the-11-lgbt-inclusive-childrens-books-every-parent-needs-to-buy/

          • betteroffoutofit

            Thank you for the list. Horrifying, especially as these titles target an even younger audience than the other.

            Mrs. Proudie certainly has it right: the meaning of morality is utterly inverted. And, of course, Isaiah (5:20) had the measure of it long ago: “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”

          • worrywort

            Dear Inspector and betteroffoutofit.
            Please include a warning when putting up links to Homo Promo filth.

            I keep breaking computers.

      • Anna055

        I agree. I’d like to see an appointed second house, not appointed by the government, but by a selection of “expert” and special interest bodies (CBI, BMC, Scientific bodies,Royal College of Midwives, NFU, charities,TUC etc) with a small number of regional representatives who could be elected, and a SMALL number of party representatives. The bishops would stay, but it would be only fair to have some senior representatives from the other faiths too. I’d also have landowner representatives (Lords?), and a few retired ambassadors from different regions of the world. That would make sure that the house of lords would really have the expertise to check new laws properly. There could also be some people appointed by a specially set up, independent, committee, with a mandate to make sure that the balance was about right, and to check gaps in expertise. Good! Got that off my chest. I get so fed up with the current situation, but equally with the proposed alternatives.

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    Dear betteroffoutofit, I tried to reply to your post but somehow it won’t let me! So thank you for your post. These books may be popular, but one does worry about the message they give out.

    • betteroffoutofit

      Thank you, Mrs. Proudie! I’m very concerned about the message and its effect on unwitting children – and their parents’ unawareness of the problem.

      As I said to IG, also – the D people pulled my post offscreen as ‘spam’! On trying to re-post, I got a notice that HG is reviewing the matter.

  • bluedog

    Dear Madam

    I have just heard the bells of the first Morris dancer. Is this a record?

    Your etc

    • chefofsinners

      Not a record. They were real bells.

      • bluedog

        It’s no laughing matter, CoS, and clear evidence of global warming.

        • chefofsinners

          I saw some with fluorescent bells. I blame glowbell warming.

          • bluedog

            They’d be from the Strictly Morris show on the televis.

          • Royinsouthwest

            Is it May already? I must have slept for a lot longer than I realised!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah yes, the Barsetshire Jingle Janglers, they always pop out this time of year to shake their staves in the Cathedral Square…

    • Pubcrawler

      They are late: Morris dancing season begins on Plough Monday — except in enriched Birmingham, where some cultures are more equal than others:

      http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-38559669

      • Ignorant twat in the video.

        • Pubcrawler

          There’s a lot of ’em about.

          Brumistan is almost lost.

          • Instead of the LGBT filthy perversions being taught in schools they should teach British history and culture as compulsory in every school.

          • Pubcrawler

            That would be good. But how many teachers with the requisite knowledge, let alone patriotic vigour, are their?

          • Not enough, but most teachers could follow a pre printed curriculum of lessons with the recommended reading and take the children on field trips to take part in local Morris dancing. It would be much healthier for mind and body.

          • Pubcrawler

            Oh I agree. But I suspect many of our multi-culti-cultist teachers, their unions and other special interest groups would object, balk, undermine and frustrate.

          • I’m sure they would, but if we had a strong government that stood no nonsense, supported our culture and Christianity instead of the multi-culti mess we have now we might have more harmony and higher standards of living instead of being dragged down to gutter level.

          • Pubcrawler

            “if”

            Indeed

          • 300 Spartans

            Quite. The last of such teachers died some years ago, around the same time as the last 1914 – 18 veteran.

      • bluedog

        Ooh Ah.

        • Pubcrawler

          Yow mean ‘Oh ar’?

      • Anton

        Is Morris pagan?

        • Pubcrawler

          Only for those who want it to be.

    • Anton

      Is this a record?

      Doubt it. More likely a CD nowadays

      • Royinsouthwest

        CDs? What are they? I thought everyone under 30 downloaded music nowadays!

  • chefofsinners

    It was time this week for the actors (plus 50% token blacktors) to put on a show. Did they not do well? Did they not show up Mr Donald’s incompetence? Er…
    Ms Greening has now invited them to tour British schools delivering compulsory cock-up education. Academy Awards will go to any school where children can pass accountancy exams but cannot read.
    Meanwhile Mr Sentamu, the Lord negro spiritual, has begun singing ‘Let my people go’. A welcome change of tune, but his fellow noblemen still voted to push the golden envelope of La La Land politics towards the Warren Beattie of abolition. Their days are numbered.
    As are the days of free speech in our land, it seems. Jesus is the only way to… prison.

    • Royinsouthwest

      I have often wondered what the collective noun for luvvies should be; possibly “a ludicrosity of luvvies.”

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        an air-kiss of luvvies?

        • chefofsinners

          A virtue signal.

      • IanCad

        A “Flap”?

  • betteroffoutofit

    Your Grace: thank you for the re-instatement 🙂

  • ‘Don’t feed the migrants’ are the strict instructions now going out to charities as a fresh sea of migrants is starting to build up in Calais again. It’s never ending.