Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Labour Party Conference: “We are proud of our diversity record, which will be even better when all the straight, white, Christian and Jewish people are expelled”

Goodness, what a palaver! Our weekend guest, Dr. Giles Fontwater, late Dean of Cantwell College, Oxbridge, recently attended the Neo-Chartist-Stalinist-Stakhanovite Party Conference in Liverpool as an interested observer of the Body Politic. We were eager to hear his account. To say the scales fell from his eyes is an understatement. On sale at the conference shop were a range of items, from ‘Strangle the last Tory with the entrails of the last Vicar’ tee-shirts to ‘Hamas not Humus’ emblazoned crockery and signed copies (in joined-up handwriting) of the Great Leader’s little red book, Mein Kampf mit Wirklichkeit. Once inside the main hall, Dr. Fontwater witnessed M.P. after M.P. denounced by a foam-flecked Fury as ‘Traitors’ and ‘Reactionaries’ before being hustled out and shot. Comrade Corbynov then called for unity and demonstrated the Great Leap Forward by pushing his leadership opponent off the stage into a vat of boiling venom (kindly provided by Comradettes Harman, Abbott and Toynbee). The faithful cheered at this, taking up the rhythmic chant of, ‘Corby, Corby, Corby.’ Then the lights were dimmed and the image of Lady Thatcher was projected onto a wall, the signal for the two-minute hate to begin. When order was restored and the phlegm mopped up, it was time for Corbynov’s key-note speech, which announced the coming Cultural Revolution.

“Descamisados!”said the Dear Comrade-leader, recently returned from a fact-finding mission to Argentina where he sold The Falklands for a mess of pottage, “The words of Comrade J. Peasemould Gruntfuttock ring in my ears, for I too have heard the voices, the voices I tell yea! The time has come for a radical rethink in the way we should live. Shortbread biscuits exemplify our one true aim – a society that is plain and simple, no sugar to sweeten the re-distribution of anything we can get our hands on, and definitely no chocolate hobnobs! Those caught eating Bourbons will face re-education at one of our Harmanisation Camps. Our Gay and Lesbian militant wing – the Backflirts – will root out all expressions of homophobia in cottages throughout the land. Our Tiny Trots Youth Groups will begin the Great Purge by pouring syrup of figs down the throats of unbelievers. Every citizen will be compelled to read the collected works of James Joyce. We are proud of our diversity record, which will be even better when all the straight, white, Christian and Jewish people are expelled to the nether regions. Let us unite around our slogans, ‘Forward to the Past’ and ‘Backwards to our Future!’”

Tumultuous shouts of ‘Forwards…Backwards…Forwards…Backwards…’ echoed around the room as the Push-Me-Pull-You delegates jumped for joy, shook their fists and howled at the moon.

Then the fragrant Ms. Abbott – Labour’s Eva Péron –  took to the podium; judging from Dr. Fontwater’s description, one can only applaud her re-cycling of Mr. Blair’s ‘Big Tent’ into a natty day-dress which showed off her figure to perfection. She’s a rising star in the socialist firmament – so good of Comrade Corbynov to give her a leg-up – but perhaps calling those who voted to quit the Zollverein ‘racists’ was not the most astute political manoeuvre she could have made.  It was, however, in perfect accord with her other pronouncements over the years. Was this a hate-crime? Almost certainly. Will she get away with it? Of course.

It all ended with a vote of ‘Solidarity’ with the socialist paradise of Venezuela, where people queue for five hours to buy toilet paper. Comrade Corbynov announced a practical response by sending them a copy of Baroness Shameless Chakrabarking’s report, double-ply.

Dr. Fontwater finished his breathless account and sank back into his armchair.  My Lord the Bishop and I looked at one another in astonishment.

“What do you make of that, my dear,” asked my Lord, reaching for his non-alcoholic post-prandial.

I thought for a moment, appalled by Corbynov’s anti-Hobnobism, then gave a considered reply.

“I think we should tell Sir Roderick Spode to move over.”

Next morning, by way of light relief, I attended the annual frog-hurling ceremony at the little parish church of St. Linus-in-the-Shyte, at the suggestion of the Archdeacon, who kindly accompanied me riding shotgun. Call me an old traditionalist, but I love all things medieval, ancient and dusty – which is why I’m a fan of Mary Berry. It commemorates the Battle of Crécy (26th August 1346), news of which only reached this neck on the woods a month later, the post then being somewhat non-existent.  Such a delight to see the joy on the faces of the choirboys as they propelled their amphibians from the top of the tower into the village duck pond below.  Next year I am invited to participate, but have first to catch my own grenouille… Any suggestions where I might find one, preferably with a loud, raucous and repetitive croak?

The Jupiter reported on the Trump-Clinton debate, declaring that all things considered, Mrs. Hildabeast was the winner. I have little interest to be honest, but it was the talk of Signora Neroni’s afternoon tea party. The Signora considers herself an expert on all things American, having once enjoyed a Bull Run with an itinerant Confederate on the shores of Lake Como. She thinks Mrs. C’s non-illness illness makes her appear more romantic and Brontë-esque, if only she would cough a little more and trample over the Moors – in my book she’s been doing the latter for years. I don’t see the Hildabeast as a ‘romantic’ at all: that moniker has stuck to her husband.

I fear I have rambled on for far too long and now must hasten to Evensong, after which I plan to whiten a few sepulchres and dash off a few tracts. On Friday my Lord the Bishop and I are travelling to Bologna for a brief holiday as guests of Cardinal Montefiasco, a keen supporter of inter-faith dialogue.  My next piece will most likely come from there. Ciao, cari amici… Ciao.

  • bluedog

    A spirited report on proceedings at Liverpool by your weekend guest, Mrs P, although one does wonder what ‘weekend’ means.

    A question.

    Will Barchester Newtown survive being twinned with Pyongyang under the Corbynov Misgovernment?

  • michaelkx

    this just a delight madam you summed up the party conference
    of the Neo-Chartist-Stalinist-Stakhanovite Party Conference to perfection as a follow of the Lord I turned
    my back on the party many years ago, after a brief flirtation with it in my degenerate
    youth, but I soon obtained some sense and removed myself from there clutches.

  • IanCad

    Mrs. P. You have the number of the Beast and his name. Only a past flirtation with the party of superiors could elicit such wickedly good stuff. Brilliant – one oversight though – you did not reveal the fact that Diane Abbott is a clone of the Hero of Soviet Feminism; Tamara Press.

  • CliveM

    Well done Mrs Proudie a classic as always. The way you describe it, it’s like I was there!

  • len

    Could the Corbyn led Labour Party ever grab the reins of power?
    This new ‘ Corbyn led Labour’ party is the same old, same old Labour under a different guise with all the old failings .No new tricks here.Tax, Borrow Spend, go bust leave others to clean up the mess…
    Enjoy your excursion Mrs Proudie…..

  • Shadrach Fire

    Oh my God. If I had been there I might have messed my pants and had to run out.
    Perfectly described Mrs P and I might be tempted to leave before I am pushed.

  • The Anti-Defamation League has also taken up frog-hurling. It has hurled Pepe the Frog, a cartoon character, into its Hall of Shame, where it joins other manifestations of extreme hatred such as the echo symbol.

    Poor old Pepe had the misfortune to become associated with ‘straight, white, Christian’ identity, making it abundantly clear to the good folk at the ADL that Pepe was both racist and anti-Semitic.

    Expressing disquiet at the shaming of Pepe is itself evidence of racism and anti-Semitism and is discouraged.

  • Politically__Incorrect

    Indeed Mrs Proudie, the rise in cases of “hobnobaphobia” are truly disturbing. It should be considered an “ate crime”.

  • carl jacobs

    Every citizen will be compelled to read the collected works of James Joyce

    Joyce is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the masses.

    So perhaps it should be a controlled substance.

  • Ivan M

    Venezuela sounds like a socialist utopia. Do they have queues for vodka too?

  • Linus

    Careful how you handle that frog, Widow Twankey. They have a habit of turning into handsome princes, drawing their swords and lopping the heads off venomous old dragons like you.

    • The Explorer

      Bit of a mix of stories going on there. Doesn’t the Frog (once he’s a prince) marry the Princess?

      • Linus

        No, the prince beheads the wicked and poisonous lady of the Green Crinoline, and then runs off with … yes, you guessed it … Eustace.

        • Inspector General

          Having followed Pink News for a number of years, the Inspector is aware there is no shortage of LGBT authors out to corrupt the very young. Bedtime stories with shall we call unusual endings…

          “And both princes kissed each other passionately and with tongues, then they both went off to transition into beautiful princesses and when the scars had healed they married and adopted little boys and girls just like you.”

          Far from settling the child for the evening, the poor thing is most likely to go to his mother and say “I’m scared..can I sleep in your room tonight.”

          • Linus

            Careful Inspector, the pathos is getting a bit too much. There are certain things we just don’t need to know.

            Your martyrdom at the hands of the Christian Brothers is quite enough to explain your rabid self-loathing and homophobia. Toe-curling allusions to what happened to you in your mother’s room are completely unnecessary.

            Don’t overplay your hand.

          • Inspector General
          • Linus

            Thank you, but I don’t find my bedtime reading on sites like LiesAndHatred.org

            I leave ignorant homophobes like you to read that kind of material. It’s posted by quacks and charlatans looking for ignorant fools to believe in their baseless theories, so you’re the intended audience, not me.

            Enjoy your bedtime reading, and feel better about the same-sex marriage you never had. You could have, you know. But those Christian Brothers really messed up your attitude to sex by exposing you to it at such a young age. So now you need to believe that all gay couples are evil. It makes the bitterness of your own loss much easier to bear, doesn’t it?

            I understand. I hold you in contempt for taking out your frustration on the gay community as a whole, but the reasons are clear enough and I pity you for them. Children of all genders and sexual orientations have been messed up by the sexual predation of priests and friars and the blind eye turned to it by the Church. But at the end of the day, some of them manage to overcome it and go on to lead happy lives.

            Given the unfortunate combination of low intelligence, willful ignorance and pig-headed stubbornness however, that was never going to happen, was it? Poor old codger. I almost feel sorry for you. Almost…

          • Inspector General

            God doesn’t want you to be unhappy, Linus. But you do need to accept where homosexuality fits into the plan. At the back of the line…

          • Linus

            Of course god doesn’t want me to be unhappy. How can he when he’s merely a figment of your imagination?

            The pixies and sprites who inhabit your fertile imagination have no existence or life of their own, you know. They’re animated solely by your will and your mind, such as it is.

            Where that’s concerned then there can be no doubt that the LGBT community is at the back of the queue. How fortunate for us that we don’t have to rely on you for anything. If we did, it’s clear we wouldn’t get anything at all.

          • Inspector General

            Familiar with String Theory? The idea from fertile minds that when you break down sub atomic particles all the way, you are left with pure energy. It couldn’t be anything else, could it.

            Now, where did this energy come from, and just as importantly, who designed the template, or in computing, the record definition, which commands this energy to adopt the forms of sub atomic particles that they do. The first law of physics, no less.

            No mention of God now, that would be impossible as you say. No such creator exists, you’ve proved. So off you go…

          • Linus

            It’s called string theory, which means it’s a theory.

            Theories are not proven facts. They’re best guesses based on currently available data.

            Whether the universe is made up of vibrating strings of energy or not – and string theory is merely a theory, there is no physical evidence to back it up – we have no evidence to tell us who or what created it and certainly none to confirm that it was the god you worship.

            Perhaps it was Allah. Or Brahma. Or Ra. Or maybe the universe arose spontaneously out of chaos as per Japanese creation myths, and the world was then created by the Seven Divine Generations of the Kamiyonanayo who popped into existence in the vacuum in a way not unreminiscent of this string theory you’ve quoted to me as if it were gospel truth.

            We. Just. Don’t. Know.

            You want me to accept your theory of how the universe was created because it’s your theory and must therefore be true. But hundreds of other theories exist and those who believe in them say I must also believe, because only they know the truth.

            You can’t all be right. And given the utter lack of evidence backing up all of your claims, only a fool would believe any of you.

            I don’t know if there is a god, or gods, or no god at all. But I do know that in the absence of any convincing proof, all I can do is live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience. Brainwashed Christians who claim that their god is the only god and that he’ll punish me if I refuse to acquiesce to their will have zero chance of convincing me of anything more than their own selfish desire to be right.

          • Inspector General

            You’re jumping ahead of yourself. Plenty of physicists living and dead believe(d) in a god of creation, if only to support their own theories. Like it or not, the existence of a god in theory is quite necessary to tie up all those troublesome loose ends. This is not to say they all believed in a personal god, whom Christians refer to as God. Rather than see humanity as the ultimate purpose of said creation, which even the Inspector finds hard to swallow, they regard mankind as a mere byproduct which has only come to prominence in its own collective mind.

          • Linus

            I don’t need to invent a god in order to “tidy up loose ends”. Loose ends don’t bother me. I’m always happy to learn more, but I don’t feel the need to fill in the gaps with wild theories, suppositions and fairy stories.

            Give me some hard evidence to consider and consider it I will. But bleat on about how science needs a placeholder god to fill in all the gaps in its theories and make everything just right and I’ll dismiss you as a fantasist. All science needs is more data. And religion is sadly lacking in that.

          • Inspector General

            If it wasn’t for ‘wild theories and supposition’, the advancement of science would have ground to a halt. Quantum theory being an excellent example…

          • Cressida de Nova

            Not Christian Brothers….wrong order !

          • Inspector General

            Yes, sweetie. Twas the Carmelites…

  • Your best so far, Madam. Delightful! Keep up the good work.

  • Inspector General

    The Inspector’s new battle cry, Mrs Proudie. “Corbyn for 2020, Abbott for 2025”

    One baulks at predicting the loser after that – 14 years is a long time, and who knows what up and coming loon will take the reins thereafter. The workers flag, though, will continue to be deepest red, and some suitable candidate, who will have evaded work of course, will come forward, raise the dripping thing and champion the cause of career benefit spongers, full time trade unionists, the queer of being, and the annoyed of mind.

    Meanwhile, an Inspector applauds Corbyn’s mission to change the way politics is conducted. He spent last weekend at the Old Quarry and has a car boot load of handy ‘activists accessories’ which he will endeavour to bring to Liverpool in the near.

    Finally, the Inspector wishes to share to all the marvellous news that the political party RESPECT has effectively ceased to be. He only discovered by chance, as it was not considered a MSN worthy subject. That means that what was a de facto muslim political force in England has been run over and killed. Desperately sad of course, but it will have the effect that anti-Semitism in the Labour party muslims won’t be deserting Labour in droves as was feared. And that all and sundry will now know that a vote for Labour is like laying a few bricks for a new mosque.

    Onwards and Upwards, dear thing!

    • Pubcrawler

      “who knows what up and coming loon will take the reins thereafter”

      Sadiq Khan, obviously.

      • Inspector General

        Yes, a dark horse perhaps…

        • bluedog

          One doubts that Corbynov is seized with equestrian skills. In the glory days of the Soviet Union, dearly departed leaders were embalmed and put on display for the adoration of the masses in Red Square. It seems to be a signal weakness of the Labour Party that there isn’t a similar facility. Perhaps the British Museum could help. One has visions of a waxen Corbynov, complete with student cap, continuing to exert an almost mystical influence from within a glass case.

          • Inspector General

            You cruel hound!

            You know full well that any Labour leader who fails to deliver socialism to the overwhelming majority of social inadequates crying out for an easy ride is summarily forgotten or airbrushed out or a combination thereof…

          • bluedog

            One senses a need for permanence rather than transience. Corbynov has all the makings of that figure of legend, the once and future king, or in his case, socialist icon.

          • Inspector General

            You want him stuffed and mounted then, and displayed in the surroundings of a small allotment. When?

          • bluedog

            In the fullness of time, he still has work to do, such as ensuring the re-election of Mrs May in 2020 if not before. But your comment about a small allotment prompts the thought that a stylish mausoleum should be built at Highgate Cemetery, encompassing the ideological Parent A of the Movement too. As to stuffed and mounted, the promise of a weeping negress at the foot of the great man’s sarcophagus would send its own message of reverential grief.

          • Inspector General

            Seems a lot of bother to go to over one of Labour’s dismal failures to be. Tell you what, we’ll stick him in with Marx. And perhaps sell off a few of the latter’s bones to raise a few shekels for the cause.

            Rather unfortunate you mentioning the spectre of a weeping negress as the Inspector has remembered he is but uneducated white trash in the great scheme of things…hangs head low…

      • bluedog

        And London twinned with Islamabad.

        • Pubcrawler

          Isn’t it already? They seem to be linked by some sort of wormhole, anyway.

          • bluedog

            Yes indeed. Perhaps London is a metaphor for the Labour Party. Or vice versa. Paraphrasing Mrs Proudie’s words, it will be better once all the straight, white, Christian and Jewish people have been expelled.

          • Khan wants devolution for London and no reforms to migration. God help us!

            http://www.cityam.com/250291/sadiq-khan-pushing-autumn-statement-announcement-london

          • bluedog

            Will anyone wake-up in time? Phillip Hammond is opening the batting for England and one fears he won’t see the danger. Hammond is a city chap and one can expect the wily Khan to present the plan as being essential to the future and the prosperity of the financial sector. However it seems as though Khan plans an immigration programme particular to the devolved emirate of London (the London work-permit). Now who would that benefit? Well spotted.

          • Someone must warn him.

  • chefofsinners

    A towering column, Mrs P.
    I loosened my grip on the Bronte sisters and almost dropped my Dickens. Let us hope they catch St Linus with chocolate on his hobnob.

    You may have missed another literary triumph this week as Jeromey C Jeromey published his semi-autobiographical novel ‘Three Men in Abbot’.

    • Politically__Incorrect

      I’ve heard that even his imaginary friends want nothing to do with him. Only those who want to clinb the greasy pole of political ambition will do that.

  • Andym

    “She’s a rising star in the socialist firmament – so good of Comrade Corbynov to give her a leg-up – ” – er – Mrs Proudie, are you sure it wasn’t leg over?