Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

“Such a fuss over the Great British Bake Off! I have written to the ‘Powers that Beeb’…”

Goodness! My Lord the Bishop and I attended the Black Hole of Calcutta Memorial Service in the Cathedral on Sunday, as is our custom. It was an unusually warm day for September if you recall, and as we left to meet up with our coachman outside, my Lord overheated and would have collapsed had it not been for a flurry of curates rushing to hold him up. They managed to bundle him into the barouche, but not before several reporters from The Jupiter took photographs – we await the next edition with trepidation. I have let it be known that my Lord has pneumonia, but having taken a good draught of Daffy’s Elixir he is as right as rain, after only 48 hours, too.  However, I hear a whisper that the Privy Council are meeting to discuss replacing my Lord with another in time for the Feast of St. Hillary of Benghazi in November… and Mr. Slope’s name has been mentioned.  I have taken to my chambers with a copy of Machiavelli and am devising a counter-stratagem. Any advice welcome.

One so looks forward to those ‘Eustace Diamonds’ every week – an opportunity for Memento Mori I always think – but of late the little gems and bon mots have lost their cyanide-sparkle.  So very tiresome, but then absinthe does eat away at the insides after years of self-abuse.  However, the very fact that polemics continue to be posted is an indication that one is an irritant, a grain of sand in the Gallic oyster, and that brings immense satisfaction.  It may not be Christian – as no doubt one shall be told – but, by golly, it’s invigorating.

There’s more cast-iron in my crinoline frame than in our former Prime Minister, who, having promised to stay on after Brexit, and then as an MP, has changed his mind. Messrs. Gladstone and Disraeli took turn and turn-about at Number 10 for years, neither contemplating the Chiltern Hundreds when cast into the Slough of Despond that is opposition. True, both retained the leadership of their respective parties, which Mr. C. has not… but again, that was his decision. The Archdeacon is not impressed, and is often heard after evensong berating the quality and probity of the political establishment in fluent Anglo-Saxon… none of which can be found in Beowulf.

Such a fuss over the Great British Bake Off! I have written to the ‘Powers that Beeb’ offering to host the next series in the Palace grounds, provided one of the competition rounds involves baking the best hobnobs. There is no end of volunteers who would like to take part:  Mr. Bunce (of Hiram’s Hospital) is keen to share his Scratchings, though Mustafa Fatwah objects to standing anywhere near pork; Signora Neroni has a recipe for Pane Puttanesca (no surprise there) and Mr. Slope has been dabbling in fancies. Of course, it should be renamed the Great Barchester Bake Off… I think it would go down a treat, and we could do with the £25 million.

The Jupiter reports Mr. Verhuffenpuff, a former Prime Minister of Belgium no less and now a Satrap of the Holy Zollverein, has been saying some nasty things about Brexit. ‘Rats leaving a sinking ship’ is how this gallant little Belgian describes Messrs. Cameron and Farage, but at least he acknowledges the ship is indeed sinking. Mr. V. is to be the chief negotiator in the coming Brexit negotiations, which means we need someone who can outflank him – another Schlieffen Plan perhaps? I think the Archdeacon would be just that man! He can out-bluster a blusterer, shout down a ranter and outwit the witless… and if he is ruled out because of Holy Orders, my portmanteau can be packed and ready in an instant.

Did anyone else see that photograph of Mr. Tatchell waving a banner which read, ‘Moslems Repent of Your Homophobia’? No, neither did I.

I must leave you for now, dear friends. I promised to beeswax the lectern steps in the Chantry Chapel of St. Mendacious the Appeaser in time for the Sunday ’Kumbaya’ lecture: ‘It will all be OK, really… just sing happy clappy songs’, to be given by Bishop Spacely-Trellis. I have concealed a basket of past-the-sell-by-date loaves and fishes behind the euphonium and will be exercising my tennis elbow with gusto. Until next week dear things, adieu!

  • bluedog

    Now here’s a wheeze, Mr P, prompted by your mention of our dear fellow communicant Eustace and traditional British medicines.

    Dr J Collis Browne’s Chlorodyne Elixir sounds just the thing for M. Eustace, taken twice daily with a hobnob and a nip at night in a small liqueur glass. That’ll have him away with the fairies in no time. Carefully concealed in your portmanteau, or anywhere else you may choose, one doubts that the Douane will notice the small brown bottle as you step off the Channel Packet at Dieppe on your way to effect personal delivery at his chateau. Can’t wait to hear how it goes.

    • layreader

      Wonderful, the ghost of Dr Spacely-Trellis, one-time Bishop of Bevindon New Town, still stalks the land. Alderman Foodbotham, perpetual chairman of the Bradford City Tramways and Fine Arts Committee, Old Seth Roentgen, J Bonington Jagworth and Gastriq Ali still prowl the darker stretches of lovely sex-maniac haunted Sadcake Park. Yet Stretchford still lives!

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Ah yes, Sadcake Park…an inspired name.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I shall task Mr Slope with the mission – there’s a greater chance he will penetrate M. Eustace’s defences.

  • David

    Here’s my joyful morning’s greeting to you dear lady.
    I trust that you are very well ?
    I am greatly gladenned to see that your witty words are as sharply barbed as ever.
    Do please convey to the good Bishop my sympathy to him for his slight faltering, and my wishes that his rapid recovery is a fully permanent one.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah David, how kind you are…my Lord the Bishop is much perkier this morning after a full English breakfast.

      • David

        Ah good ! That is excellent news Mrs Proudie.

  • Orwell Ian

    The appointment of Mr Verhuffenpuff as chief arm twister for the Principality of Europe is indeed fortuitous. We shall see and hear a lot more of him. Greater exposure of his attitude and demeanour will surely chill the enthusiasm of all but the most hardened Remainiacs. He will undoubtedly become a figure of unremitting irritation, the embodiment of precisely why membership of the European nationalist dystopia is something we can well do without.

  • CliveM

    “after years of self-abuse”

    At least it will be keeping his prostate healthy.

  • IanCad

    Beeswax and lectern steps? Not intending the good Bishop STD should sustain a fall are we?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Good gracious no…one is nothing without one’s husband…

  • Anton

    Leave the sinking ship? What else would you do with it?

  • len

    Once Cameron’s ship of state sailed into stormy waters he disappeared overboard and the second mate Osborne was last seen heading North to create a job for himself and displaced crew members.
    The Cruise Liner’ EU’ has added several decks, more funnels and has people stoking the boilers furiously because all that added weight has made her seriously top heavy.
    The good ship ‘Cranmer’ is forging ahead despite several ‘ramming attacks’ and a limpet stuck on the side’ (think its one of those Linus things) cannot shake it off yet.
    Till next week Mrs Proudie…

    • Dreadnaught

      Nice use of analogy Len – love the idea of a lunging limpet!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Indeed, dear len…

  • Dreadnaught

    Wasn’t the old soak Junker [if that’s whom you mean] Mayor and later PM of Radio Luxembourg rather than Belgium? Not even so grand a political position for the one whom you give undue political greased pole climbing ability.

  • dannybhoy

    Good day and greetings to you Madam,
    “They managed to bundle him into the barouche, but not before several reporters from The Jupiter took photographs – we await the next edition with trepidation. I have let it be known that my Lord has pneumonia, but having taken a good draught of Daffy’s Elixir he is as right as rain, after only 48 hours, too.”

    Here’s the vid. I did have a more revealing clip that showed what went on from the left hand side, as they bundled the poor creature into the vehicle. I just haven’t been able to re-locate it yet. But this will do. Danny has worked with stroke victims and watching this clip I would say that the lady is rather unwell.
    Rather reminds me of the wonderful CS Lewis’s “That Hideous Strength…”
    http://pamelageller.com/2016/09/video-upon-leaving-early-hillary-buckles-faints-loses-shoe-at-911-memorial.html/

    • Anton

      Let’s hope she recovers, and let’s hope she isn’t POTUS.

    • She might well have had bacterial pneumonia, but I think she is hiding a long term serious health problem. When Parkinson’s medication wears off the stiffness and leg buckling comes back. She could have been having the start of an off period.
      Blue tinted glass helps with Dyskinesia in Parkinson’s.

      • dannybhoy

        Yours truly contracted viral pneumonia whilst in Italy many years ago now, and I was bed bound for two weeks, injections every day, and in the early stages up to five bed changes daily due to incredible sweats…

        • Sorry to hear that DB it must have been terrible.

          • dannybhoy

            Thanks Marie,
            (Danny’s chest swells)
            But you know how stoic we men can be….. ;0)

      • chefofsinners

        I don’t think it’s anything to do with her period, Marie. I have recently returned from my monthly cycle and feel thoroughly invigorated. Indeed, look at Mr Wiggins… a little scraggly but in excellent health.

        • Have you been slugging your hair tonic tonight Chef?

        • dannybhoy

          A sight that must have been.. Bouffanty blind bloke with vague resemblance to Snoopy, seen pedalling along A23…

  • Inspector General

    Good day to you, Mrs Proudie. Let no one accuse you of not overflowing with the bounty of Christian joy that in your love for humanity (no matter how unpleasant that humanity be), you have taken time to include the wretch Eustace in your weekly blessing.

    Things have taken a turn for the worse for our wayward brother as he is now struggling against the full forces of the Holy Inspectorate, and not doing too well neither. However, despite his despair, he did manage to fire off a veiled threat, bless him…

    “You see this is the kind of abusive harassment that, were it directed at someone like Jayne Ozanne, would probably get you reported to the police.”

    He is accusing the Inspector of harassment, would you believe! What sauce! All the Inspector did was to suggest that his derangement and hopelessness was the result of him being riddled with that awful HIV business. A sad reward for a life of debauchery and buggery with strangers, and not wearing a hat, so to speak. You’d think the ingrate would show some thankfulness that one had gone to the trouble of investigating the root cause of his anti-sociability. But true to form, he did not.

    Anyhow, if the progressives in the Church of England get their way, Eustace’s recognition for his chosen lifestyle will be a front pew (and a soft cushion for his worn out bum), and an offer to participate in services occasionally. Probably. That he be an enemy of the church notwithstanding – rather awkward that, but the wreckers will think of something to entice him in (unfortunately).

    The full grisly horror of communicating with the man can be found somewhere in the Chobham Academy thread. If anyone is interested that is, though the Inspector doubts that any of the good people who follow Cranmer would be. Certainly not!

    Onwards and Upwards, what!

    • David

      Congratulations old chap on your Inspector’s remit being extended to include the heavy responsibilities of that elite force, The Holy Inspectorate. Now you really have your (heavenly) work cut out !

      • Inspector General

        The newly established Holy Inspectorate is here for God’s work, David. Be assured of that!

        • David

          Blessings upon it !

  • Eustace

    The incontinent old termagant’s all over the place this week, isn’t she? From David Cameron to Peter Tatchell by way of The Great British Bake Off. In front of each new victim she stops, she squats and out sprays a noisome jet of pure “Christian” rectitude.

    Odd that a bitch should want to empty her moral bladder in the manner of a dog, cocking her crinoline for short, sharp bursts designed to create maximal stench for minimal effort. She even targeted me, but only half-heartedly. The woman clearly lives in fear of a boot up her sluice if her aim is too accurate. So all I got was the nominal drip between spurts that affects all middle-aged women whose ability to clench has been severely compromised by childbirth. Ah, how their God must hate their “lifestyle” to have visited such a cruel and unusual punishment upon them! Park them in one spot for too long and stalagmites start to form…

    Of course you won’t find any suspicious protuberances under Mrs Proudie’s crinoline. She’s far too restless for anything more substantial than a small puddle to accumulate between her slippers. There she is, leaping from target to target and spraying away like a hormonal molly, leaving a trail behind her more pungent than any fish cart on its way to market. One doesn’t need to be a bloodhound to follow it. And today it led from Middle England via London and Italy to Belgium of all places, where the deranged woman opened her flood gates and inundated every one of that low-lying country’s peaceful polder-dwelling former prime ministers!

    Quite why the mad old boot decided to turn the full force of her flow on those poor innocent Belgians is anyone’s guess. As the real target of her opprobrium actually hails from Luxembourg, we should perhaps understand that geography isn’t the poor woman’s strong suit. But to Mrs Proudie, one wop is much like another, and they all deserve a good hosing down. “Take that, you ‘orrible Belgies”, she cried as the first wave surged forth. And her response when they protested their innocence? “Humph! Oh well, I watched Secret Army. I know you were all collaborators, so take that again, you waffle-guzzling mussel-munchers!”

    Silly woman! Doesn’t she know that all Belgian rivers drain into the North Sea? By this time tomorrow her black tide will be washing up on the shores of Blighty, from whence it will creep up estuary and into river and stream. Soon the pestilence will reach land-locked Barchester. Up brook and rivulet and waste pipe it will flow, stealing its way through septic tank and sliding around s-bend until at last it bubbles up in the privy of a certain bishop’s doxy freshly returned from Brussels.

    What horrors await her as she unsuspectingly lowers herself onto the pan and her poison rises to meet her? Burned by her own acid. Shot with her own gun. Blown up by her own bomb.

    For ’tis the sport to have the enginer
    Hoist with his own petard, an’t shall go hard
    But I will delve one yard below their mines
    And blow them at the moon.

    • bluedog

      Heavens. And only recently you were piously protesting at allegations of misogyny.

      • Eustace

        Full equality of the sexes implies that women are just as much of a target as men. There’s nothing misogynistic about references to their bodily functions or their anatomy as long as they aren’t made out to be inferior to a man’s bodily functions or anatomy.

        I don’t stand up for women – or men for that matter – on the metro. I don’t open doors for anyone. I accord women no special treatment at all because to do so would be to treat them as not being equal to men.

        That’s true respect for equality.

        • bluedog

          Heartening to learn that thanks to equality you can dispense with humanity. On the Metro, a pregnant woman with two small children? Shameless slut, let her stand. Help her get the pram off the train? Haven’t got time. Elderly gent with a stick. Nah, probably claiming a benefit to which he is not entitled, let him stand as long as he can too. We can take bets on how long before he falls. No man is an island? Sentimental drivel that stands in the way of efficiency, always best to pass by on the other side.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Gallic charm, courtesy and civility expressed in one missive. QED

          • Eustace

            Idiocy and Christianity clearly go hand in hand.

            I do not give up my seat in the métro for women because they’re women, or men because they’re men, but I will give my seat to a sick, pregnant, disabled or elderly person if they need it. Their gender is immaterial. It’s their state of health that counts.

            A perfectly healthy woman in heels will never get my seat. If she’s stupid enough to wear painful footwear for vanity’s sake, she’ll just have to deal with it.

            As it happens I rarely use the métro and mainly take cabs, so I’m not often confronted by situations like this. But it does happen from time to time. And any woman who thinks she’s entitled to a seat just because she’s a woman will soon be disabused of that notion when I’m around.

            Either equality means equality or it doesn’t. Women can’t have it both ways any more than men can. Equals do not benefit from preferential treatment. End of story.

          • bluedog

            Poor Marianne. After all she has done for France, now this. The ingratitude.

          • Eustace

            Try to push any sexist crap on Marianne and you’ll soon regret it. The symbol of the Republic stands for equality, not privilege.

          • Inspector General

            The Inspector once took a girl out called Equality. And no, she didn’t offer to pay half the bill…

          • chefofsinners

            Ah yes, Marianne, the bare-busted symbol of all that Dominique Strauss-Kahn holds dear.

          • bluedog

            But can’t you see, your vision of equality translates as gender neutrality. Even the IOC recognises that the sexes are different and in physical terms, unequal, yet complementary. Should the IOC abolish the separate heats for men and women, and enforce equality where there is none? Your position is reminiscent of that of medieval popes who insisted that the sun revolved around the earth, despite astronomical evidence that it did not. You refuse to accept the evidence and demand that your faith in equality trumps biology. Any citizen who has the temerity to protest otherwise is treated with scorn and derision. This is nothing to do with privilege, but a collision with reality.

          • Eustace

            So who said that male and female bodies aren’t different?

            As a species we present variant morphologies based on many different factors. Male and female, tall and short, black and white. We’re all different. But we all possess equal human dignity.

            If you want to differentiate between the way men and women are treated based on their morphological differences, then why not also differentiate based on other characterstics too?

            Tall men are on average stronger than short men, so why don’t tall men give up their seats on public transport for short men, and hold doors open for them too?

            Black men run faster on average than white men, so perhaps we should have separate black and white events at the Olympics.

            Either you treat everyone equally, or you discriminate on the basis of perceived difference. And where do you then draw the line?

            So if you’re a short-ass, don’t be surprised if a tall man gives up his seat for you the next time you take a crowded train. “Poor little weakling,” he’ll be thinking. “He clearly won’t make it to the next station without fainting if he can’t sit down.”

            Women can stand just as well as men. Their morphological differences have no effect on their ability to stay upright. So why should they benefit from any privileges when they quite simply neither need nor deserve them, just as men neither need nor deserve privilege either.

          • dannybhoy

            ” Their gender is immaterial. It’s their state of health that counts.”
            Are you afraid to say the words ‘pregnant woman’, Eustace?
            Like the rest of us, you too had a mother. What kind of mother she was/is we don’t know; but through her you came into the world and for that she deserves our respect and gratitude.

          • Inspector General

            “A boys best friend is his mother” Norman Bates, 1960

          • Eustace

            Great at stating the bleeding obvious, aren’t you?

            Of course I had a mother. But what does she have to do with any of this?

            Does the fact that I had a mother mean that ALL women deserve special treatment? Was that the bargain? Did the sperm and the ovum that formed me have to sign a contract saying that I would give up my seat on public transport whenever a woman required it as the price of 9 months use of my mother’s womb and all subsequent love and care?

            What a load of bollocks. Men and women are equal and being able to carry a child confers no special privileges on women, except during the later stages of pregnancy when their health is impacted by their physical state. In this they are no different from anyone else whose body is incapacitated by a medical condition.

            Outmoded notions about the “weaker sex” that needs “protecting” were left behind a couple of generations ago. The fact that you still believe in them comes as no surprise however. You’re a throwback in every other respect, so why not this one too?

          • dannybhoy

            “Great at stating the bleeding obvious, aren’t you?”
            And perhaps Danny was interested in how you would react?

          • chefofsinners

            Your friends on this site will offer you their seats at any time, on account of your obvious intellectual impairments.
            When I say our seats, I mean chairs, of course. We are friendly, but it stops there.

          • Pubcrawler

            Lolz. You just made me almost choke on my salty nuts!

        • Inspector General

          Your equality stinks, sir.

  • Inspector General

    Mrs Proudie, alarum!

    Gather up all of Barchester’s orphans and take them to the old priory for safekeeping. The beast is about this night! It is said – No! The Inspector cannot relate his findings – but Yes! with good on his side he must. It is said that Satan himself has entered Eustace through his anus, and together they stalk the town…

    Quickly now, lest the little ones be consumed…

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I think you need to think about things other than Eustace’s anus…take up a hobby perhaps?

      • Inspector General

        The Inspector has taken it under his wing, so to speak. He prays for its welfare daily and lights candles for it in Gloucester cathedral. It’s also on this year’s Christmas card list, though one cannot say how that happened…

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Well make sure you wash your armpits thoroughly with carbolic…

        • chefofsinners

          Will you be wishing it an annus horribilis?

          • Inspector General

            Rubbing some soothing cream into it possibly, or more likely getting you to do it…

          • chefofsinners

            Ah, sorry, washing my hair…

          • Inspector General

            Don’t worry, there are at least 14 priests out there…at Easter. Make a change to washing feet…

          • chefofsinners

            Thought it would be right up your alley, Inspector.

          • Inspector General

            And so a unique Anglican tradition at Easter arrived…so progressive too!

          • chefofsinners

            All because someone confused holy oil with oily hole.

          • Inspector General

            Never come across such a bounty of unprintable mirth as you before. Are all these you own work, Chef. Do tell…

            If they are, you could make a fortune in script writing…with the right partner, that is…

          • chefofsinners

            You bring out the unprintable in me, Inspector. I’ll try not wave it around quite so much.

      • dannybhoy

        It wouldn’t fit…..

  • The Great British Baker Off will not leave the BBC, not until Mary Berry invokes Artic Roll 50, and that could take years.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Arctic Roll 50…inspired!

  • chefofsinners

    Your Lord Bishop should follow the example of the Don and publish his medical records. By laying his credentials on the table, he will remove all doubt about his virility. Apparently the Trumpoline himself carries a little extra in his bosom; for all men eventually fall victim to the powers that boob.

    The Camer-chameleon has come and gone, like Magic FM in the Chilterns. He didn’t support gay marriage in spite of being a Tory; he supported it to spite the Tories. ‘I get it’ he said, and now he has got it. Well deserved, say I.
    We must commend George, though, for his Northern Workhouse initiative. An excellent place for those who fail the eleven-plus.

    Meanwhile, I struggle to see the point of Hinckley Point C. The Chinese seem to be the main beneficiaries, particularly Mr Gok Wan, who will be producing a new series: ‘How to Look Good Nuked’.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Oh excellent, excellent… I laughed out loud, particularly over the Northern Workhouse Initiative and Mr. Gok Wan…thank you so much!

      • chefofsinners

        All this terrorism is depressing me. I still haven’t forgiven Boko Haram for ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’. Now I hear they are working on the follow-up album ‘A More Islamic Shade of Islam’

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          I think I should step aside and let you write the column, though of course it is not in my gift. You are inspired sir, inspired…

          • chefofsinners

            Dear lady,
            I am but a pale shadow; you are The Sun. And none of us ever believed those nasty tales about phone hacking.

          • Cressida de Nova

            Careful sinner, you are succumbing to the temptations of the old drag queen.
            “Screw your courage to the sticking post ” and resist. You see, this is what comes of wearing a pair of bloomers on your head. You attract the wrong type.

          • bluedog

            He’s gone – posts all deleted. Folded his tent and crept away during the night. Won’t be back for a while.

          • CliveM

            If past history is anything to go by, he could be back within 24 hours!

            And so it begins (again)!

          • bluedog

            Let’s hope not. His initial post in response to Mrs P’s Portrait was of unparalleled malevolence to, and contempt of, the opposite sex. A deeply disturbed out-pouring of venom.

          • CliveM

            I for one, won’t miss him. Deeply mysoginistic.

          • Pubcrawler

            Oh well, at least he managed to slip in the signature ‘Linus solecism’ just before he left. It was a long time coming, and doesn’t really matter because he’d already admitted the identity, but it’s nice to have another full house.

          • chefofsinners

            I am the wrong type.

          • Cressida de Nova

            Well of course you are. You positively reek of testosterone…the quintessential heterosexual
            stud !

          • dannybhoy

            You are too modest Mrs Proudie. can the moon outshine the sun…?

      • dannybhoy

        You two are are 100 witt bulbs…

        • chefofsinners

          Watt?

          • dannybhoy

            I’m just saying that as far as wit and humour, you and Mrs Proudie are positively floraescent chef…

          • chefofsinners

            She’s the flora, I provide the scent.

          • dannybhoy

            Not really anywhere else to go with that one..

          • Pubcrawler

            He’s just buttering her up.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Goodness!

          • Pubcrawler

            Beware if invites you to a dance in Paris…

  • Shadrach Fire

    With no disrespect to His Grace, you do make the regular visits to this post most entertaining, just as when you were a ‘mere’ commentator. Keep up the good work and keep His Grace on his toes.
    Has the young student not made an attempt on the arch Deacon’s life for practising healing techniques which are against the big IS tradition?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Why thank you dear Shadrach – and may I say how much I enjoy reading your contributions to the blog…

  • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

    Perhaps we should help Eustace choose a new user name for next time…there’s bound to be a next time…

    • bluedog

      We should leave it to you, Mrs P. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

    • Inspector General

      Was it the Inspector who saw him off. It all points that way…

      A victory for Christianity, let it be.

      Anyway madam, as you say, he’ll be back, just as night follows day. A rousing chorus of “We shall overcome” when he does…

      • The Explorer

        I’ll leave him blocked. Then if a ‘This user is blocked’ sign appears, we’ll instantly know the new persona. Otherwise, we’ll have the fun of tracking down the new manifestation of Linus.

        When he appears, I’ll unblock him for a bit, until he’s established himself and gets repetitive.

    • chefofsinners

      What a shame. We were having a conversation about offering your seat to people on trains, and I was about to warn him that you can be arrested for that sort of thing.
      As for a new name, what about ‘Acid Reflux’?

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        I like it – I thought of ‘la Plume de ma Taunt’

        • chefofsinners

          Brilliant!