Mrs Proudie
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Cathedral service marks the death of objective journalism and unbiased reporting

Goodness! One reaches for the cashmere shawl and woolly unmentionables these days, for the temperature has dropped and the stalls of Barchester Cathedral are distinctly chilly by the time Evensong has ended. One enjoys Mr. Harding’s choral settings of course, though Mr. Slope’s homily on All Souls made my eyes water. So moving.

A Swedish correspondent, Baroness Hurdigurdy, writes of strange doings in Stockholm, where the Bishopess has ordered the removal of crosses and other Christian symbols from churches in case they give offence to ‘Voldemortians’ (i.e. the religion that must not be named). One notes that the said religion has not, in return, given up beheadings, burnings and shootings, or indeed suicide bombings as part of a quid pro quo, yet the Bishopess lives in hope (some would say she lives in sin- ‘Tipping the Volvo’, as Mr. Slope puts it). It can only end in disappointment, one fears. However, the Swedes campaign to abolish themselves is making excellent progress… as progressives are apt to do. The Baroness, who is high up at the Swedish court, also reports the King and royal family now live in a broom cupboard above a smorgasbord outlet next to the palace whilst the state rooms are given over to camp fires, goat enclosures and Bedouin tents. So colourful…

Oh, this wretched presidential election! How wearisome it gets! The Jupiter reports on a new batch of Wickedleaks and thinks Mrs. Hildabeast’s goose is cooked. I’m not so sure. For one so schooled in Machiavellian subterfuge and Gramsci-ite strategy there are still levers to pull and buttons to push to ensure Mr. Trump falls into the oubliette of history. One good thing about this campaign – and the Brexit coverage before it – is nobody now believes a word the media say. My Lord the Bishop has decided to hold a service in the Cathedral to mark the death of objective journalism and unbiased reporting. Do come along… there will be Earl Grey and hobnobs in the Chapter House immediately afterwards, and the Archdeacon has promised a bonfire to burn an effigy of Piers Morgan. At least I believe he said effigy – his language has coarsened considerably of late.

Mr. Slope expressed delight at the decision by MPs to elect Mr. Vaz to the Commons Justice Committee. With so many young, strapping Roumanians now living in the UK, it is good to have someone with intimate knowledge of these colourful folk to advise lawmakers on their customs, habits and trade practices. One has to admire Mr. Vaz’s capacity to squeeze in to any available crevice and yet avoid anything sticking to him. If only Monica Lewinsky had had his ability to duck, dive and dodge, history would have been so different.

Young gentlemen should always try to avoid loose women – and one includes Signora Vesey Neroni in this category, naturally, even though she no longer walks the streets. Oh, if only that handsome, dashing athlete, Mr. Louis Smith, had taken such advice and refused the invitation to appear on the Electrical Magic Lantern in front of a panel of self-righteous harpies and made to denounce himself! It seems we have moved effortlessly from talent shows to show trials, and the new inquisitors are driven, relentless and unforgiving. Mr. Smith’s crime was to poke fun at Voldemortians whilst at a friend’s wedding. Some blighter filmed the jolly jape and published it, and the poor man’s world came tumbling down. Naturally, the perpetually offended instantly issued death threats, but rest assured police are ignoring this aspect of the case so as not to further offend the intolerant. Instead they have concentrated their efforts on arresting and convicting two Polish bacon-flingers, but I digress. Poor dear Louis – his Olympian successes forgotten, he has endured the slings and arrows of multi-kulti Britain, and is banned from taking part in his chosen sport for two months. The only surprising thing is that he was not required to don sackcloth and ashes and do the walk of shame. How nasty we have become as a people. It seems decency, fair play and common sense have been excised from the national psyche.

And now I must leave you until next week, for My Lord and I are hosting a soirée for the residentiary canons. There are six of them, and their wives, and we expect the Mayor and his good lady to join us. Mr. Slope has promised to whip out his sackbut, and my daughters, Augusta and Olivia, will sing a selection of Schubert’s Lieder as the old gentlemen from Hiram’s Hospital amuse our guests with a display of countryside gurning. Such fun. For my own part, I am going to recite ‘The Wreck of the Hesperus’.  That should raise the tone. Au revoir, mes amis…

  • Politically__Incorrect

    Razor sharp wit as usual Mrs Proudie. I assume your missive went to the printing press before the news that m’luds in the High Court told the nation where to shove their democracy?

    The case of the Swedish les-bish is indeed intriguing. The poor dear seems to be under the misapprehension she is running a multi-culti drop-in centre, not a church. One wonders if she was sent the wrong job description. Still, as you say, Sweden’s self-destruction is going well. I believe her church has a new slogan for it: “Support your local Muslim community: Slit your own throat”

    • Merchantman

      Sweden’ self-destruction is going well, and Britain is right behind, unless we get Great Brexit.

    • Coniston

      And as the Church of England is in full communion with the Church of Sweden under the Porvoo Agreement, doubtless we shall soon see the same in Anglican churches.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Love that slogan!

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        And yes, I sent in my missive before the infamous judgement,,,but wait for next week!!!!

        • Anton

          A lot can happen in a week, Mrs Proudie…

    • bluedog

      An English court, such as the High Court of Justice in England, has no right to issue directions to the Parliament of the United Kingdom. The court’s ruling is an irrelevant self-indulgence.

      • Merchantman

        Its their 5 minutes of fame.

        • bluedog

          It astounds this communicant that the brilliant minds of the hedge-fund spivs and associated parasites could spend a fortune on getting a ruling from the wrong court. I suppose the legal eagles’ fees are a tax-deductable business expense too.

  • I can’t believe it, I am getting in first on the comment board. O no, even as I type a comment has been published. Still second is better than coming in at comment 150 or so. Well that’s it, commenting on commenting was the sole aim of this comment.

    • Politically__Incorrect

      Now that’s what I call lateral thinking

  • The Explorer

    Sweden. Yes. As Pat Condell put it, the Land of the Midnight Sun is well on its way to becoming the Land of the Crescent Moon.

  • Dominic Stockford

    Being jailed for five years for flinging bacon about is ridiculous. No matter how offensive and thoughtless it was, no civilised society jails someone for it.

    • IanCad

      We need the First Amendment.

    • Royinsouthwest

      The two Polish men were sentenced to 8 months in jail, not five years. Where on earth did you get that figure from?

      • Dominic Stockford

        I’ll edit for accuracy. Even one day would be too much though.

        • Royinsouthwest

          Actually I have just learnt that there was a similar case in Bristol earlier this year involving two men and two women who threw bacon sandwiches at a mosque and tied a St George’s flag to the railings. One man was sentenced to a year in prison and the other to 9 months. Rather typically the women were only given suspended sentences.

          Four sentenced for bacon attack on Bristol Mosque
          http://www.itv.com/news/westcountry/2016-07-20/four-sentenced-for-bacon-attack-on-bristol-mosque/

          It is a good job the culprits did not kill or steal a sheep otherwise they may have been hanged or, if the judge was in a lenient mood, transported to Australia.

          • Dominic Stockford

            Utterly craven.

          • Rhoda

            “If you would know who controls you see who you may not criticise.”
            ― Tacitus

  • carl jacobs

    Oh, Mrs Proudie

    the death of objective journalism and unbiased reporting.

    It was never alive to begin with. It is just a golem called forth by the practitioners of the Dark Arts of Journalism.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I fear you are right, dear Carl…

    • IanCad

      William Shirer, Malcolm Muggeridge, Richard Dimbleby, William Bolitho, Ed Murrow, Negley Farson, David Brinkley, H L Mencken, William F Buckley, Wynford Vaughan Thomas, Charles Wheeler, Kate Aidie, Martin Bell, Peter Day… the list goes on.

      • IrishNeanderthal

        Just read your comment, and this came to mind:

        How Gore Vidal and William F Buckley dumbed down political debate

        • IanCad

          I must admit that was a low point. All I can say is that Buckley was not the most accomplished debater and really had to depend on his ready wit. As in when he was running for New York Mayor and was the complete underdog with no chance at all; when asked, if he got elected, what would be his first action, he said he’d ask for a recount.

  • RealEmotion

    This is sort of religious
    https://twitter.com/WoodrowMelkin/status/794497933798502400 and it’s not in the MSM

  • Sozzinski

    Excellent, and very funny!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Thank you dear Sozzinski…glad you liked it.

  • Stuart Beaker

    Just dropped in from GP – so nice to hear a cultured voice after all those common people over there. Ah well, back to the gutter, pausing only to put on my Liederhosen and sing a few.

    • RealEmotion

      HEY !!

    • Beware of Geeks bearing GIFs

      Hey! You want to see whatever common people see.

      • Stuart Beaker

        I think my proper station in life was always to be an urchin.

  • David

    Yet again, another peerless, witty report from the cloisters of Barchester that rounds up the week’s news so incredibly well.
    Mrs Proudie you are fast becoming a National Treasure (electronic division) !

    I can’t wait for your next weeks opening lines regarding the three biased judges and their cunning plan to destroy our democracy. So I’m off to polish my pitchfork’s tines and dust off the yokel cudgel ! There will always be an England !

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I shall be joining you with the pitchfork…well, Mr. Mulch, our gardener, will be wielding it of course, I shall be beside him waving my parasol…

    • IanCad

      We’re going to need a lot more than pitchforks unless we can get the army over to our side.

      • Anton

        Peaceful noncooperation is much more effective. Gum up the streets with millions of people, for a start.

        • David

          I agree – peaceful means work better and can be switched on or off, without any bloodshed, and are therefore more sustainable (I hate the word). The French can teach us how ….

      • David

        There’s little doubt about which side the army is on – ours !

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Well, David Attenborough was considered a national treasure but after opining that the British public were ‘not wise enough’ to have an opinion and vote on Brexit I fear the old bugger should go the way of the dodo…National Disgrace more like. He should apologise to the British People…

      • David

        Couldn’t agree more, Mrs Proudie. I am still waiting for his apology – what a nasty piece of work he’s turned out to be !
        Until Attenborough’s ignorant, sneering rant against the majority of us my standard line had been,
        “The BBC is terrible, it constantly distorts the truth, but at least the wildlife programs are still very good”.
        Instead now I just save my breath and say,
        “The BBC is terrible – pure lies and prejudice”.
        There – I’m much happier now I can say what I truly think !

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Exactly so…I will never watch that man’s programmes again.

  • “The Wreck Of The Hesperus”, my favourite poem, it should be taught in schools.

  • CliveM

    Well done Mx Proudie. A sharp, funny analysis as ever. However is it just me, but I feel ever more melancholic after reading your missives these days. There is a bittersweetness underlying the wit. I suppose in the world we live in, in can’t be otherwise.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah Bittersweet…wasn’t that a light operetta by Lehar ?

  • Two non-Muslims get drunk and throw bacon into a mosque. Result: imprisonment. The police said: ‘…we will not tolerate hate crime in any of its forms.’

    Four Muslim women get drunk, knock a woman to the ground and kick her in the head while screaming ‘white bitch’ and ‘Kill the white slag’. The woman requires hospital treatment and is ‘left so traumatised by the attack’ that she loses her job. Result: suspended sentence. The ‘women, who are all Somalian Muslims, were not charged with racial aggravation.’

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Yes indeed, dear Johnny, and if we actually had a press worth its salt these injustices would be blasted over the news in thunderous terms…but we have weasels and weasel words…

      • bluedog

        One can see an opportunity here, Mrs P, for an on-line version of The Barchester Advocate. Frank, fearless, free and fair, The Barchester Advocate could become a national institution, widely respected for its journalism and opinion. One can foresee a relevance that goes far beyond the immediate purlieus of its own blessed city. A new thunderer, indeed.

    • David

      Yet another indication that our judges are operating a system slanted against the white population – a truly disgusting miscarriage of justice !

      • Anton

        The judges only do so much. The laws they interpret must be changed.

        • David

          Yes the laws are the main source of the problems. But judges have huge influence and have long indulged in judicial activism. As Tebbitt said recently “the judges are out of their box”. The reason for this is partly because our inclusion within the EU encourages them to disrespect the UK’s constitution, and to try to become as influential as are the more powerful judges of the continent; they don’t have the jury system and the top court is an openly political one. Once we are out of the EU, and we will be leaving, then we need to put the judges back into the narrower boxes always reserved for them under our Common Law system.

    • The Explorer

      If it’s the Leicester incident, the Somalis said the white woman was trespassing on their turf (although it was a public area). The Judge said the Somalis were unused to drink because of their religion. Otherwise, he would have dealt severely with them.

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        Has part of the UK been officially ceded to Somalia? Their turf? I think not…and if ignorance of the law is no defence, ignorance of the effects of alcohol would not get you off a drink-drive charge, would it?

        • The Explorer

          It might, with this particular judge, if you were a Somali.

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Ah right, dear Explorer…the Somali card. Or is it the Somali Defence??

          • Inspector General

            The Inspector eats Solamis or possibly salamis…one or the other. Not sure which…

          • Royinsouthwest

            Is cannibalism legal in this country? Perhaps now that those three judges have finished with the Brexit case they could be asked to rule on whatever it is the Inspector eats.

          • Inspector General

            No idea Roy. It could be an established (and cherished) British value these days for all an Inspector knows…

          • Pubcrawler

            Does placentophagy count as cannibalism? I believe it’s popular amongst ‘alternative’ types.

          • Inspector General

            African’s love it. Tasty stuff, probably…

          • Pubcrawler

            Well, if it’s a choice beween that and antelope dung…

          • Inspector General

            Ah. Tell you what. Let’s go after the antelope instead…

          • Pubcrawler

            Good plan!

    • Dominic Stockford

      The two non-muslims were Polish, so maybe the judge should be investigated for xenophobia?

      • Inspector General

        No sense around these days, Dominic. The two should have been fined £500 which would have paid for their escort to Dover Police Station, whereupon they could have been deported on the cheap, via a ferry. The Public Purse might even have made on the deal…

    • Inspector General

      One is damn outraged by this damn bacon sentence. Can’t see them getting much more if they’d lobbed a dummy hand grenade…

      • The Explorer

        The Muslims wouldn’t have minded a dummy hand grenade.

  • Anton

    Might I suggest that the British Army be sent to deal with the problem of violent Islamic fundamentalism in the Middle East bearing the West’s new superweapon… bacon sandwiches?

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Good heavens Anton, you mean “Praise the Lord and pass the Danish?”

      • Pubcrawler

        By ‘Danish’ do you have Skandi Toxic in mind? I wouldn’t wish her on my worst … oh,hang on, maybe.

        And anyway, one wouldn’t waste good English bacon on the coves.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          She’d fit nicely into a trebuchet basket

  • Inspector General

    I say Mrs Proudie, which idiot in Sweden made a bull lesbian a bishop? No good will come of that, you know! Ah, yes, one notes no good did come of it…see, told you so.

    If throwing bacon is now an imprisonable offence, where does that leave throwing up bacon? An Inspector recalls one of the Ed Miliband’s worst days on this earth as he gallantly resisted the overwhelming urge to spray his stomach contents at the arranged journalists.

    Do you know, that priceless event actually has its own Wiki page. One joshes you not… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Miliband_bacon_sandwich_photograph

    If any fellow knows the current whereabouts of its half-eaten remains, would they inform the Inspectorate. The Inspector would like to preserve what’s left of the thing for future generations to gawp at.

    • Inspector General

      “I’d like half a pound of throwing bacon, please”

      “You realise you’re in a Christian cake shop, don’t you?”

      “Oh sorry. Better make it ordinary bacon then”

      “How about a nice slogan to go with that. What about ‘All Christians are homophobic bastards’?”

      “You don’t mind?”

      “Not at all. In the eyes of the law, we are…”

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      That’s a good point dear Inspector – if one entered a mosque and was suddenly taken sick (having eaten bacon beforehand, you understand) would that be an involuntary act or a deliberate one?

  • Inspector General

    “Good afternoon sir. I’m sergeant Plod from the Yard. I have a search warrant for these premises. In you go lads!”

    “Found something here sarge. Take a look”

    “Bacon! You scoundrel. You’d better have a good excuse…”

    “I’m a butcher. This is my shop”

    “{GASP!} Sarge. Oh God, look here!”

    “Pork Chops! You dirty bastard. That really is serious. You have the right to remain silent, anything you do say…”

    • Inspector General

      “…and we found a rack of pork ribs displayed in his window. Any muslim walking by could have seen it and been appalled, your honour”

      “Thank you officer. Butcher, you will go to prison for 8 months…”

      {RING, RING}

      “Who the hell is it? I’m in the middle of sentencing someone! Oh, Ministry of Justice. What! That long! Why? You’ve been under pressure from, did you say JCB, the tractor people? Oh, those fine types. Right you are”

      “As I was saying, you will go to prison for 8 months and 8 years. Take him down…”

      • Inspector General

        “Don’t fret, old chap. As your barrister, I think we can get you off this. You see, you’ve been convicted of displaying pork products in an area where muslims live for no good reason. But being a butcher in his shop, I think you do have good reason. We’ll go to appeal. One problem though, it will cost you 25K and being a white businessman, you are excluded from legal aid.”

  • chefofsinners

    Sins of a Chef part I
    Whilst at university, I made a master key to everyone’s door in halls. Much fun was had, including buying a pig’s head at the market and leaving it on the wardrobe shelf of a fellow student. She was, it turned out, a Muslim. She screamed a lot, but in those gentler times we all laughed and got over it. All of us except her, perhaps.
    One shudders to think of the consequences nowadays; one could be banned from doing a roly-poly until January.

    • Inspector General

      Wasn’t Cameron’s pig’s head was it? The Inspector would scream if that turned up in his room…

      • chefofsinners

        Fear not. I was a few years behind the sweaty potato. I bought fresh pig.

  • chefofsinners

    Mr Justice Twatbrain, sitting in the high court has handed down the following judgment:
    The prime minister shall henceforth be known as Mrs Maynot. The aforementioned Mrs Maynot shall under no circumstances whatsoever do anything whatsoever without the express permission of parliament unless the aforementioned thing be a progressive thing hereinafter referred to as contradicting the will of the British people as expressed in a referendum. That’ll be 25 grand in fees please.

  • David

    Mrs Proudie you are also to be congratulated for encouraging out, for the benefit of all of us, so much of the humour that always seems to lurk just below the surface in many a true Brit., starting with your very good self of course. Indeed what would life be without humour I ask ? Quite intolerable is the answer I hear.
    Sadly so much of this now utterly failed multi-culti nonsense pushed by the largely discredited, although still arrogant, “cultural leaders” and the idiot politicians who are in their child-like ways influenced by them, seems to revolve around the suppression of nature’s balm – a bloody good laugh !
    And with that highly unphilosophical, but thoroughly practical, thought I attend to the lesser tasks of the day, but now with a spring in my ageing step !

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Ah dear David, these are fraught and dangerous times…humour is an essential tool to enableus to get through it all. I try my best…but am grateful for your comments, which always inspire me!

  • chefofsinners

    The poor dear colonials must surely be longing for the days of King George as they choose between the Red Devil and the deep blue she.
    Hillary’s husband, “Here’s my” Bill, has spoken in her support saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
    Meanwhile Beyoncé has released a sympathetic song for frail elderly women “All the Shingle Ladies”.
    The Democratic campaign is mostly being left to Mr Obarmy, and the whole thing is looking like a race between the Hair and the POTUS. – As we enter the final stretch it’s neck and redneck.

  • len

    Halal anyone?. Like it or not.