Mrs Proudie
Meditation and Reflection

Cathedral conference: ‘Holding Heretics in the Light: the context of conflagration’

Goodness! Such a lot of fuss over Mr. Trump’s cat. I have two wonderful Siamese pussies and I love to cuddle them… I find it very therapeutic. If he fiddled with newts it would be a different matter, I’m sure, and much less wholesome. But, lawks-a-mercy, this presidential campaign is quite déclassé, with dreadful mud-slinging and crudities being hurled about willy-nilly. I do think Mrs. Hilldabeast gave the game away when she said she has a public face and a private face, saying one thing to one audience and something different to another. It is what politicians do, though we don’t often hear them admit it. It does seem somewhat curious that every one of Mr. Trump’s indiscretions and misdemeanours is plastered over the news, whereas the far-more serious machinations of St. Hillary of Armageddon are ignored or whitewashed. People have cottoned on to the bias however, and The Jupiter reports crowds of Trumpanistas booing (and frightening) journalists sent to cover the event. These hacks, bewildered by the hostile response, seem devoid of the entire concept of cause and effect. If only Honest Abe Lincoln were standing again… but I digress. Whatever the American people decide – between the devil and the deep blue sea – is up to them, but one cannot help thinking if King Solomon himself were called upon to make the decision, would he not use his sword to kebab them both?

We were so hoping that Baroness Shameless Chakrabarking would send her children to Dr. Wortle’s School here in Barchester, which would provide a good all-round education free from transgendered science. LGBT reading books and strength-through-joy equality indoctrination, but she would have none of it. Being a good socialist, the Baroness has opted for Dulwich College whilst advocating bog standard comprehensives for the rest of mankind. How does she sleep at night… and with whom?

I read in The Jupiter that Archbishop Welby was presented with a beautiful crozier at his meeting with the Bishop of Rome. A gracious and generous gift, though I’m not sure the latter will appreciate the boxed set of Sir Cliff Richard’s ‘23,000 Songs of Praise’ given in return. It could have been worse – Max Bygrave’s ‘Deck of Cards’ springs to mind. One hopes that Cantuar avoided kissing the Pontiff’s ring, at least in public. The other day, the Archdeacon offered to show me the many valuable artifacts squirreled away in the Cathedral Treasury. Of course, one had to avert one’s eyes when passing the (rather rusty) armoured codpiece of St. George, given by Pope Joan to Bishop Gotobed of Barchester in 1250 or thereabouts (memorandum to self: send Mr. Slope down with a tin of Brasso to give it a rub). The bejewelled chastity belt of St. Anne of Widdecombe is remarkably well-preserved, as is the small votive statue of Jess Yates, but the round leather cushion reputedly used by Martin Luther to relieve the piles has seen better days. Of course, there are those who argue such precious items should be sold on the open market and the proceeds given to the poor (who are always with us), but this is the philistine cry of rabid radicals like Comrade Corbynov… How does he sleep at night… and with whom?

I am very worried about Mr.Slope. He’s taken to wearing a canary-yellow suit, having painted his face green, and has signed on for ballroom dancing lessons at Mustafa Fatwah’s ‘Shake It Don’t Break It Terpsichorean Bazaar’ on Lionel Blair Alley. He says it is in ‘homage’ (pronounced in the French fashion) to his hero, a certain Mr. Ballsup, who is currently sashaying his way across our Magic Lantern screens in a vain attempt to reinvent himself. Such is our chaplain’s apparent dexterity with the American Smooth that he is known amongst fellow club members as ‘Slippery’ Slope. Having never seen his Rumba I cannot comment, and he wisely keeps his Samba in lodgings out of town. One wonders how he sleeps at night… and with whom?

Finally, I must share with you my observations of the recent conference held in the Cathedral – ‘Holding Heretics in the Light: the context of conflagration.’ This splendid and timely event was the brainchild of Dean Trefoil, and was designed to be as inclusive as possible. The bookstall offered a comprehensive selection, ranging from Foxe’s Book of Martyrs through to contemporary works such as Fahrenheit 451 and The Lady is for Burning. Amongst the delegates were Arians, Nestorians, Muggletonians, Ranters, Diggers, Zoroastrians and Climate Change Deniers, none of whom was given chance to speak or ask questions as they were subjected to lengthy sermons on hell-fire and damnation. So very stimulating. On the last day Mr. Slope busied himself collecting faggots. The after-conference barbeque lit up the evening sky. So very jolly.

And so, dear friends, as the Paul Hollywood of Time deflates the Soufflé of Expectations, I must away. I have promised to speak to the Mothers’ Union on ‘Globalisation: Who now carries the White Man’s Burden?’ Of course, I know nothing about the subject, but when has that ever stopped me? Until next time, adieu!

  • CliveM

    What Ho Mrs Proudie, another corker!

  • len

    Not difficult to see who the media is backing in the US elections.Clinton has their full support and it has the spotlight firmly fixed on D Trump.
    Clinton`s attempt to gain the high moral ground would be less effective if the truth about some of her more shady past was put into the same limelight as Trumps has been.

    • The Explorer

      A Rasmussen poll puts Trump back in the lead. So who knows.

      • CliveM

        Another poll has Clinton 7% ahead. The Rasmussen poll only counts those saying they will definitely vote.

    • CliveM

      The issue for me isn’t that Hilary should be President, rather that neither should be.

      Drooling over 10 year olds is also another unsavoury aspect of Trump.

      • len

        Clinton and Trump are clearly both unfit to be president what next though?. Obama to stay on? Is that even possible?.

        • CliveM

          Obama can’t stay on constitutionally, Clinton will be President.

          • IanCad

            I swear, when I gave you an uptick, your post didn’t mention Clinton.

          • CliveM

            LOL I did post it whole!

            If is makes you feel better, I’m not wanting Clinton to be President either!!

          • IanCad

            I must be getting punchy – what with all the disputation on the Lichfield thread.

        • Anton

          That would be even worse.

          We could always offer to re-institute rule from London…

          • len

            That would certainly unite the US.

          • Maxine Schell

            I think the Democrats might favor that……they certainly like to be governed from afar!

      • He said she was beautiful and he’d be dating her in 10 years time, so that would make her 20.

    • Anton

      Google Yoko Ono’s comments about Hillary.

      • Politically__Incorrect

        Helps explain hubby’s behaviour

  • len

    Michelle Obama says she is ‘traumatized’ by thinking what Trump has done and the way he has treated women.It is appalling but things must be put into perspective.
    What is ‘traumatizing ‘me is to see the sickening murder of men women and children in Syria.Bombing of aid convoys and hospitals, people being gassed in what can only be called the murder of the population of Aleppo.

  • IanCad

    Another delight Mrs. P. I must confess that some of your allusions pass over – or beneath ? – me. What I do catch are gems of naughtiness and invention.

    • dannybhoy

      This is absolutely the case. Naughty but nice, just like her hobnobs..

  • IrishNeanderthal

    Alas, nationality rules would almost certainly prevent this party from standing in the U.S. election:

    VOTATE A ZI’ NICOLA Banda Piazzolla ufficiale

    Note: the refrain “lu magna magna” (meaning “eat-eat” in many Italian dialects) refers to politicians being in it simply to grab the largest possible slice of the pie.)

    • Anton

      Surely magna means ‘large’ in all Italian dialects, derived as they are from Latin?

      • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

        mangare is Italian for eat/food

        • Inspector General

          The Italian word for scran, it seems.

      • IrishNeanderthal

        For the present, this will have to suffice:

        http://www.ilpost.it/2012/03/13/foto-politici-che-mangiano/italy-politics-bird-flu/

        from a photo gallery of politicians eating, captioned Ma href=”http://www.ilpost.it/2012/03/13/foto-politici-che-mangiano/”>È tutto un magna magna.

        • I think it must be a typo and should be manga from mangare to eat

  • ‘Honest Abe Lincoln’ would not stand an earthly in today’s weaselly politics. In 1862 he addressed ‘a Committee of colored men’ at the White House. Scroll down to page 371.

    You and we are different races. We have between us a broader difference than exists between almost any other two races. Whether it is right or wrong I need not discuss, but this physical difference is a great disadvantage to us both, as I think your race suffer very greatly, many of them by living among us, while ours suffer from your presence. In a word we suffer on each side. If this is admitted, it affords a reason at least why we should be separated.

    Your race are suffering, in my judgment, the greatest wrong inflicted on any people. But even when you cease to be slaves, you are yet far removed from being placed on an equality with the white race. You are cut off from many of the advantages which the other race enjoy. The aspiration of men is to enjoy equality with the best when free, but on this broad continent, not a single man of your race is made the equal of a single man of ours.

    There is an unwillingness on the part of our people, harsh as it may be, for you free colored people to remain with us.

    • Ivan M

      Liberia is a great success story.

      • Malcolm Smith

        It was -until the natives got the vote. I’m not making this up. Liberia was as much a colonial outpost as Kenya, except that the colonial settlers were black. The majority didn’t get the vote until the 1960s – and look what happened then!

        • Inspector General

          Astonishingly, Liberia boasts a Minister for Tourism…work that one out…

          • The Explorer

            The place might appeal to the likes of Armin Meiwes.

        • Inspector General

          After that, it all went pea shaped…

        • Ivan M

          Something similar to the Bahamas, or Atlanta USA where there is a creole intermediate class, between the white world of privilege and shiny consumer goods, and the black underclass happy to live in a land of plenty. All are happy until the revolutionaries turn up to destroy the arrangements, to no one’s benefit but theirs.

          • Merchantman

            I cant understand why we let go the Bahamas in particular. Huge error in post war- loss of confidence Britain. The world’s remaining colonial powers (USSR & USA) simply rubbed their hands with glee. If I remember Britain was booming in the 50’s and early 60’s until labour took power and blew it.

      • The Explorer

        The Liberian Civil War was not. Samuel Doe was taken prisoner and tied up. His ears were cut off, and he was made to eat one of them. This was videoed, and the video put on sale. The JFK Hospital in Monrovia, as modern and well-equipped when opened as any equivalent in the States, was reduced to a systematic ruin. There seems to have been a fear that foreign medicine could cause you to lose your juju.

        • Inspector General

          It is recorded that ex president Doe was eaten. Yay!

          • Merchantman

            Only in the Dark Continent.

          • Merchantman

            IG I replied to your comment as tastefully as I could in the circumstances but was censored by ‘them’.
            ALL my comments were removed. I feel like a bellringer what just got wrung.

          • Inspector General

            Most surprising Merchantman. Can’t see it being the work of our man Cranmer. He’s a champion of free speech, and if proof were needed of that, he allows Johnny Rottenborough to post his unhelpful, blaming the Jews for everything up to and including the common cold. However, we do have a new moderator around, yet one is quite sure he would have been briefed accordingly before he was handed his big stick…

          • Merchantman

            Think you are right. Thanks; for what they are worth they are back on.

      • LOL.

      • Inspector General

        “MONROVIA, Liberia — The civil war in Liberia may be over, but the lives of its people remain in shambles. An estimated 250,000 people died during the conflict that dragged on for years, while thousands more fled the country. The Liberian citizens that remain today are living in squalor, without a sewage system or electricity, governed by corrupt warlords.” CAROLINE LOGAN ON JULY 3, 2014

        http://www.borgenmagazine.com/cannibal-warlords-liberia/

        But of course, self determination of the native African is what counts…so the people are happy with their lot.

        More…

        “Canadian journalist Shane Smith and his crew traveled to Liberia to interview warlords and ex-military generals, witnessing the devastation of the country firsthand. In Liberian slums, AIDS, malaria and diseases run rampant. The majority of towns do not have a sewage system—without a toilet, people relieve themselves on the beach, contributing to the spread of bacteria and disease.”

        “Not only are the conditions horrific, but the desperate economy, with 80% unemployment, has forced people into taking desperate measures to survive. A large percent of the population have eaten human flesh. Women often have to sell themselves in brothels in order to feed their families. A shocking 70% of women in Liberia have been raped.”

        • Ivan M

          All things considered, continued enlightened colonialism would have been better for the average sub-Saharan African. The masses seem rather stupid, are incapable of initiative, and would prefer a bucolic life. All of which would have fitted in with laid back colonialism.

          • Inspector General

            Good phrase that, ‘laid back colonialism’ which is exactly what countries who were blessed to be part of the British Empire enjoyed. They were gifted law and order, the most precious attributes of civilisation as we know it, in exchange for a profit to be made out of the place. Symbiotic it was.

            The problems for the indigenous began even before the British pulled out, when the fledgling political parties formed, democracy being thought worthy of them back then, and thugs roamed the land coercing people to support them. The political parties of course, being tribal in affiliation.

            Africans tend to have large families as the more (living) descendants you have, the better you eat in old age. One is quite sure social welfare would have eventually been extended to the native, and remove at a stroke the need to breed at such a rate.

  • dannybhoy

    “I am very worried about Mr.Slope. He’s taken to wearing a canary-yellow suit, having painted his face green, and has signed on for ballroom dancing lessons at Mustafa Fatwah’s ‘Shake It Don’t Break It Terpsichorean Bazaar’ on Lionel Blair Alley. He says it is in ‘homage’ (pronounced in the French fashion) to his hero, a certain Mr. Ballsup, who is currently sashaying his way across our Magic Lantern screens in a vain attempt to reinvent himself. Such is our chaplain’s apparent dexterity with the American Smooth that he is known amongst fellow club members as ‘Slippery’ Slope. Having never seen his Rumba I cannot comment, and he wisely keeps his Samba in lodgings out of town. One wonders how he sleeps at night… and with whom?”

    Brilliant.
    I love your refrain -‘One wonders..’
    “as they were subjected to lengthy sermons on hell-fire and damnation – for Jews and Zionists of all shapes and denominations I assume.
    One of the drawbacks of living in the countryside is its remoteness from ‘centres of happening.’ Norfolk lingers as a sleepy backwater of this fair land, so if you want some excitement you must head for Barchester, Staffordshire, London or Merthyr Tydfil…..
    Danny finds himself missing all the excitement…..

    • Politically__Incorrect

      Danny, the only excitement you’ll find in Merthyr Tydfil is dodging bricks and air-gun pellets. I know. I lived there. The best thing about Merthyr is getting away from it, like if you stop banging your had against a wall. The sense of relief increase your flow of endorphins. I hear the place has gone uphill a little recently – flushing toilets and all that.

  • Pubcrawler

    “I have two wonderful Siamese pussies and I love to cuddle them…”

    Siamese can be rather temperamental. I’d have thought a nice brace of puppies would be better, clasped close and well away from your lap.

  • len

    Anyway back to the important stuff strictly speaking. I thought that ‘Eds’ trousers were a bit baggy something to do with ballroom I suppose? Somebody stop me!.
    Till next Friday Mrs Proudie.

  • The Explorer

    Did Yoko Ono have a fling with Hillary Clinton? Opinion seems divided about whether she did, or whether it’s just a spoof story. One thing seems sure: likelier she had an affair with Hillary than with Donald Trump. If it’s true, is it enough to boost Hillary’s popularity?

    • Ivan M

      With the Ellen deGeneres demographic? I think that’s maxed out.

      ‘Hillary has seen more pussy than I have’ – rumoured Bill Clinton quote

      • The Explorer

        Hillary must have been going it some.

  • Inspector General

    I say, chaps. What’s all this about Yoko Ono acting as a ‘comfort woman’ to Hillary Clinton. Surely not the game of two flats…

    • Anton

      All we are saying
      Is Give Trump A Chance

      • chefofsinners

        He is the Walrus

  • Gregory Morris

    Dear Mrs Proudie
    Please could you arrange for the removal of the ghastly Dean of York who has just sacked all her bellringers – one of the most proficient if elitist bands in the country. The woman, known as Vicious Viv by the poor souls that were previously in her care, is obviously a power-crazed deranged egotist. Your urgent assistance in this matter would be gratefully acknowledged.

    A Bellringer

    • Inspector General

      Cue the Devil’s Galop

    • Anton

      Then there was the ruckus at Westminster Abbey 18 years ago. I quote from the Wikipedia entry on then-Dean Wesley Carr:

      In 1998 he was at the centre of a controversy over his abrupt dismissal of the abbey’s Director of Music, Martin Neary, over accounting practices for professional concerts and recordings occurring outside the abbey. The matter was contested and referred to Lord Jauncey of Tullichettle for determination at the behest of Queen Elizabeth II. While Lord Jauncey’s report upheld Neary’s dismissal in finding him to be partially at fault, he was careful to note Neary’s years of exceptional service and that his actions were not legally wrongful and did not amount to meaningful harm. The finding further criticised the dean and chapter for the manner in which Neary was dismissed, stating that the abbey, “must score gamma minus on the scale of natural justice” and concluding with the observation that, “had the parties been prepared to discuss openly and frankly the Abbey’s concerns, to acknowledge that serious mistakes had been made and to consider the reasons therefor, it might perhaps have been possible to avoid the present unhappy situation with all its attendant publicity and to have reached a rather less dramatic resolution of their differences.”

      How very English is that conclusion! And how very English that Deans become involved in controversy. What awaits at Barchester?

    • TropicalAnglican

      I am sorry to read about this. I’m afraid I can’t comment further than that as I have been unable to find the Dean’s side of the story.

      For the benefit of others who may be interested, I enclose some links I came across:

      1) The Times is on the case:
      http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/14797332.York_Minster_axes_all_30_bellringers___Bells_silenced_until_2017/

      2) The Dean is for same-sex marriage: http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/features/9870434.Not_everyone_in_the_Minster_recognises_Vivienne_Faull_yet_____I_find_if_I_say____Hello__I___m_Vivienne__I___m_the_new_Dean____it_seems_to_work__/

      3) Zen meditation also OK: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/17/york-minster-criticised-zen-buddhist-meditation-grounds

      4) Read over 300 comments in The Guardian (and learnt a couple of bellringing terms in the process): https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/oct/14/bellringer-york-minster-wrong-sack-us-silence-church-bells

      I may not know anything about bellringing per se, but am not completely disinterested as my own church does have church bells!
      Hope there will be good news soon.

      • Anton

        She is also in favour of women bishops despite Paul saying in 1 Tim 3 that an episkopos should be “a man of one woman”. One article online about the bellringing controversy says that she has posted a video statement. Does anybody know where it is?

        • TropicalAnglican
          • Anton

            I presume so. Thank you! Very obviously Health and Safety is not the real reason. At present only insiders know more.

          • chefofsinners

            The decision is subject to a peal.

          • Anton

            No camping!

          • TropicalAnglican

            It would be sad if there was no repeal.

        • Merchantman

          She was heard speaking on R4 in an interview with Radio York. I couldn’t make out what she was complaining about when the Bell ringers position was made clear by their very reasonable spokesman. Perhaps she finds the inclusion of too many middle aged white men objectionable.

      • Merchantman

        Maybe she is forestalling a potential bell ringers refusal to peal the bells for future SSM.

    • Inspector General

      “First, they came for the bill ringers. I didn’t really mind that as the din outside was bloody awful…”

      • chefofsinners

        You like a bell end, do you?

        • Inspector General

          No thanks. You hang on to him…

  • chefofsinners

    Badness! This sinful ole world has given you plenty of material, dear lady. And I don’t just mean your crinoline. Your lightheartedness is much appreciated when comedy is turning to darkness all around.
    Mr Ballsup and even the slippery Slope have joined the trend for clowns scaring children! Of course this is a long-standing tradition in the Labour Party, but the practitioners, who currently call themselves ‘Dementum’, are bulging and gurgling and slavering like never before. Of course that could just be Ms Abbot.
    And this colonial Dame, LOL Goddard. No-one’s laughing now. She seems to have forthright views on Asian men and their preferences. I suppose it might explain why the youth-in-Asia are so keen on suicide. I believe Dame Edna Everidge is a hot pick to be the next chair of the enquiry.
    Of course Edna is currently going by the name ‘Angela’ and running Germany. But she has allowed in one foreigner too many in the form of the president of Nigeria (are we allowed to use the N-word? Apologies if not.) She has been put firmly in her place, which is the kitschen I believe.
    With that I must leave you. No doubt you also have duties in the kitchen and the ‘other room’, where your pussy can Come Dancing.

  • Dreadnaught

    Conjoined pussies? – well I never in all my puff!

    • Inspector General

      It’s a rather delicate operation to separate them, apparently. Here, let the Inspector have a go…

      • Dreadnaught

        What! and deprive the good lady of tickling her fancies in the manner to which she has become acustomed? Be it on your own head Sir!

        • IrishNeanderthal

          Deuce, I think.

          Duce looks too much like Mussolini, and I’ve already been ticked off by several people over my authentic and properly sourced comments using Italian dialect.

    • chefofsinners

      I think the term ‘Siamese’ refers to their slitty eyes.

      • Merchantman

        Trouble with Deans is seemingly turning into an epidemic, and I thought the current ABC had just been given a big stick. Time to pull back some of the wandering flock?

  • len

    Hillary’s taken a back seat now that she has claimed the high moral ground just throwing a log on the fire now and then to keep the fire burning under Trump.
    I wonder if Julian Assange has something up his sleeve waiting for the right moment to produce it?.

    • Dominic Stockford

      Her support for postpartum abortion is already in the open, but no-one is doing anything with it.

  • Good news, I hear Patriarch Kirill is visiting London now until 18th and will meet with the Queen and the ABC. Nothing yet in our press though.

  • bluedog

    Sometimes one wonders about Mrs P’s posts, one really does. Look at this edition, pure click bait.

    Does Mrs P sit at her desk, quill in hand, thinking to herself, that’ll give the greying baby boomers of His Grace’s cyber congregation their cheap thrill of the week? The result of course, is two pussies in a double-entendre that no-one could possibly miss.

    Reading Mrs P’s exercise in entrapment, this communicant’s mind strayed to thoughts of the late Richard Milhous Nixon, whose contribution to human relations was the statement ‘When you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow’. Years ago, this communicant was sitting in a cinema somewhere in southern England with a couple of mates watching an x-rated film for which the lady at the ticket booth kindly ignored the fact that none of our voices had broken. As the plot-line travelled towards its inevitable climax, a female voice exclaimed in indignation from the back row, ‘Where’s yer manners? Tits first!’

    From this, one concludes that when you’ve got them by the pussy, it ain’t necessarily going to go according to plan. One hopes that if The Donald becomes POTUS he learns to temper his enthusiasm and remembers this communicant’s well meant advice. His direct approach would be mildly entertaining if applied to the EU’s High Representative for Foreign Affairs, Frederica Mogherini. But in other quarters it could lead to a very old fashioned response indeed…

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Goodness …well one can’t please everyone.

      • bluedog

        Oh dear. One found one’s self in trouble for commenting last week too. Neo-Trappist self-censorship from now on, and pious fish on the Friday menu rather than hot tongue and cold shoulder. One will watch from the the sidelines as you extricate yourself from pussygate.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          No. I just said one cannot please everyone – you are entitled to your own opinion of course. No problem.

          • chefofsinners

            Pussygate. It’s the new cat flap.

    • Dominic Stockford

      I think you have your history confused. Milhous is definitely alive, I see him almost every night with his little friend, Bart Simpson.

      • bluedog

        A parallel universe, comrade.

  • Dominic Stockford

    Firstly, thank you. I really was wondering what I could hold a conference on that would engage interest. I now have the perfect title and subject. It will go well, I know it will.

    Secondly, is not support for ‘postpartum abortion’ on the part of one of the candidates not to be publicly discussed in the media? I prefer the term child murder, or infanticide – but open discussion should be had. She’d lose the election if it were.