Archbishop Cranmer

Have a wonderful, roast-chestnut and marshmallow Christmas with lashings of eggnog, stilton and sprouts

December 22, 2018
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A very festive ‘Goodness!’ to you all! Well, I must say The Palace is looking rather splendid, the decorations this year being a riot of green, gold and red. Mr.…

‘God rest ye merry gentlethings, Let gender not dismay…’

December 15, 2018
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Goodness! What an interesting week and no mistake. Mr. Harding and the Cathedral choir have been out and about wassailing, bringing good cheer to the inhabitants of our little town,…

“When it comes down to selling one’s soul to the Devil or to Brussels, one should opt for sulphur every time”

December 8, 2018
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Goodness! The festive season does come around with amazing regularity, does it not? Snow has yet to settle on the rooftops and gables of Barchester, though a cold wind rattles…

The initiation of The Feast of St. Brexit

December 1, 2018
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Goodness! Well, my dears, my Lord the Bishop (and I agree with him) has decided to initiate the Feast of St. Brexit on the 31st September every year, an event…

The Bride of Drunckerstein (a Gothic horror)

November 24, 2018
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Goodness! Little did I realise that we have a budding author in our midst! The Archdeacon called at The Palace on Monday morning with a handwritten manuscript. “I wonder, dear…

The Ghost of Brexit Lost

November 17, 2018
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Bells play an important role in the life of Barchester, as perhaps they do nationally. Here, the cathedral chimes mark the passing hours and summon good Christian folk to services,…

Cloning Sir Nigel Farage and smuggling him into the Visegrád nations…

November 10, 2018
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Well, my dears, the preparations for the 1815 commemorations in Barchester are well under way. The statue of General Sir Bufton Tufton-Dufton, who led the 23rd Foot and Mouth Hussars…

If junior ethnic minority staff at the FCO are to ‘reverse mentor’ senior white staff on ‘bias’, should each junior be assigned a white junior-junior to counter their ‘bias’?

November 3, 2018
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Was it Karl Marx or John Bercow who said ‘All cultures are equal’? Only I get so terribly confused, as both talk nonsense and both have beards. I’m afraid it…

An apocalyptical tale of talentless celebrity, venal politicians, Satanist clerics and baking competitions

October 27, 2018
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Ah, the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness is upon us once again. The last few days in Barchester have been quite sublime, the weather has been exceptionally kind, and…

Anjem Choudary has been completely rehabilitated through diversity and equality classes

October 20, 2018
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Goodness! How quickly the week flies by and I find myself at the escritoire scribbling a few thoughts for the entertainment of my dear friends. Quite a lot has been…

‘Away with Common Prayer and hello Common Purpose’

October 13, 2018
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Where did it all go wrong, my dears? It is a pertinent question, now the church’s one foundation is a frilly garment from Ann Summers and the view from the…

A vacancy at Bishopthorpe – let the jockeying commence! The front-runners are…

October 6, 2018
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Goodness! A vacancy at Bishopthorpe – let the jockeying commence! Soon the evensong bongos will be stilled forever as a new archbishop moves in, dog-collar and all. Who will it…

‘As the tin-pot Boudicca of Brexit dons the knee-pads of supplication, and the Von en-Trapp family of Salzburg renew their commitment to open borders for lonely goatherders…’

September 22, 2018
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Goodness! Heresy breaks out in Middlesex, where the bishopess, the Rt. Revd. Gloria ‘Genderfreezone’ Ganderbody, declares she doesn’t “want young girls or young boys to hear us constantly refer to…

Corbyn’s Labour is a broad church – except for Blairites, Anglicans and Brexiteers

September 15, 2018
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Spare a thought for poor Mr. Orban, a real politician giving an account of himself to the pretend ones in the European Parliament and being lectured on democracy by the…

‘Perhaps we could have a little more of the Good News and rather less Pravda’

September 8, 2018
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Goodness! It seems Archbishop Welmeaning, whilst preparing his Christmas sermon (one can never be too early), got no further than Luke 2:1: ‘…all the world should be taxed’, and decided…

May’s rhythmic wobblings, French mollusc-scoffers, Frank Field’s wake-up call, and the papal visit to Ireland

September 1, 2018
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Every year around this time, the ethnic Norwegians who live in the Snotting Hill area of Barchester hold their carnival. It is, I assure you, a most colourful and vibrant…

‘Does Mr. Rees-Mogg see a dagger before him? If not, can we send him to Specsavers?’

August 25, 2018
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Goodness! That young Mr. Rees-Mogg has a catchy turn of phrase, doesn’t he? Comparing Chancellor Hammond-Organ to ‘a dog returning to its vomit’ is a simile no dachshund would welcome.…

Anglophobia: man arrested for fixing cucumber sandwich to church door

August 18, 2018
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Goodness! There is a real touch of Autumn about this morning, though the sun is shining and there is an air of bonhomie about the town. As is customary in…

‘As the bacon slicer of liberalism cuts into the rump steak of Old England…’

August 11, 2018
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Now and again I venture into the kitchen to bake a fresh batch of hobnobs, but in truth this is the domain of our cook, the irrepressible Mrs. Giblets, who…