Mrs Proudie
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Can the Front National offer French resistance to bearded anarchist-types?

Vote Whig, vote often!

Goodness! Such goings-on in Barchester now that Mrs. Dismay has announced a snap election – there hasn’t been so much excitement since Bishop Loombucket declared for the king in 1642 and the town was besieged by the parliamentary forces of Major-General ‘Old Piety’ Grimshanks. Since Tuesday’s declaration, there has been a mad rush by all and sundry to declare their candidacy. First off the starting block, quicker than Mo Farah chasing a quorn hot-dog, was Mustafa Fatwah, standing for the ‘Barchester Hezbollah and Associated Trades Collective’, operating from his headquarters in Number 4, Galloway Cottages, Gorgeous George Street, a dubious area of the town much frequented by tent-clad types on welfare. His cause is not ours. Then we have Mr. Bunce from Hiram’s Hospital, representing the ‘Woolcombers, Lummock-wogglers and Posset-dabblers’, under the slogan of ‘Old folk are not just for Christmas’. Indeed they are not, though the frost does thin them out a bit. Our pro-Holy Zollverein candidate, not surprisingly, is Signora Vesey Neroni, but frankly her campaign doesn’t have legs. Mr. Slope was tempted to put himself forward as the Tatchellite alternative, but the threat of maintaining a missionary position in Nyasaland brought him up sharp. So you see, my dear friends, there is so much to choose from in our quiet little corner of England, though which candidate will get my vote is moot.

I see Mr. Osborne is leaving the Westmonster Sewer for a career in journalism. I have it on good authority that he was turned down by Tom Towers at The Jupiter as a purveyor of fake news, by which he means fibs. This can only refer to the whoppers put out at the time of the Neverendum, when the sky was supposed to fall down upon our heads. I must admit to being surprised by Mr. Towers’ sudden conversion to morality – The Jupiter is quite the scurrilous rag, owned now by a certain Australian with strong convictions… pending.

At the midweek gathering at Courcy Castle, the talk was about young Prince Harry baring his soul to the world. The ladies were lavish in their praise of the prince’s courage and honesty in telling us he was rather fed up and that life in the palace had been extremely tough. Countess de Courcy, fully aware that the prince is not yet married to the American gold-digger, has been angling for him to visit the castle, no doubt with the intention of thrusting one of her daughters in his way. Most unseemly, and so is this modern impulse to hang out the emotional washing on the Sigmund Line. ‘Stiff upper lip’ is what serves best, not the Dame aux Camelias flouncing of his sainted mother.

Alas I have little to say on the up-and-coming French elections. My interest in the country died a death when poor King Louis Philippe was ousted by the usual street rabble that bubbles up time and again in French history. It appears to be doing so again, with all sorts of shenanigans being plotted – mostly by the bearded anarchist-types with sweaty-armpits smoking Gauloises and mixing Molotov cocktails. I do wish someone would clarify whether the Front National is of the left or the right – both descriptions are bandied about willy-nilly. Not that I care. You may think I am over-fond of Bourbons, but I assure you that hobnobs are really my favourites.

The Archdeacon also had little comment on the appointment of the second-best Bishop of Sheffield, other than to say the whole business brought discredit, once again, to the Church of England.

“Of course, the gutter press and Bolshevik Broadcasters had a field-day with this,” he snorted, “and all stirred up by a dean, no less. It comes to a pretty pass when a cleric sticks a knife into a fellow cleric – what sort of pew-scorning stackable-chair enthusiast is this un-venerable fellow, this gung-ho leveller with kumbaya-credentials?”

“I am sure the dean acted with the best intentions, as he saw them,” I replied, doing an Osborne.

“Harrumph!” came the reply, as the Archdeacon turned tail and headed to his study for a post-matins sherry.

The Archdeacon, being very much a man of action, has been busy organising Barchester Civil Defence of late, now that the world situation has turned a bit nasty and the prospect of missiles flying hither and thither more likely. The old gentlemen at Hiram’s Hospital have been issued with stirrup pumps to tackle any blazes, and Dr. Thorne has ordered an extra supply of bandages and iodine. I shall be on hand manning the soup kitchen as and when. As chaplain to Barchester Barracks, Mr. Slope has been spending long hours on his knees ministering to the troops – prayer is such a comfort.

Well, the big hand of time has slapped the backside of inactivity, prompting a girding of loins and a frenzy of flapdoodle. Must get on. Until next week, dear friends, may the spectre of Diane Abbott never darken your dreams and the whiskers of Corbyn never tickle your fancy.

Vote Whig, vote often!

  • 1649again

    Excellent as always Mrs Proudie!

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Bless you – the civil war bit was just for you!

      • 1649again

        Oh you dear lady – I did wonder!

  • Bernard from Bucks

    For years, people have debated the answer to one incredibly important question: is the chocolate on a chocolate hobnob on top of the biscuit part? Or the bottom?
    McVitie’s have confirmed that the chocolate is actually on the bottom of their hobnobs, not the top.
    http://metro.co.uk/2017/04/13/mcvities-have-confirmed-that-the-chocolate-is-actually-on-the-bottom-of-their-biscuits-not-the-top-6571867/

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I believe Dean Swift considered the problem too…

      • Merchantman

        This could be proved by tossing chocolate Hobnobs and seeing which way they land. Doesn’t a Jam buttie always land jam down meaning we have been eating our butties upside down too.

    • carl jacobs

      Couldn’t this problem be solved by putting the cookie into the chocolate reservoir upside down?

      • Tsk … Bottom’s up is considered impolite in civilised company, Carl.

        • carl jacobs

          This is about a production line, Jack – not civilized company. Engineering judgment reigns supreme*.

          *This rule is otherwise generally applicable.

          • To invert a biscuit is against natural law, disordered and, therefore, intrinsically evil.

          • carl jacobs

            These proto-cookies are (nominally) symmetrical through rotation about both x and y. It’s simply a matter of applying the correct direction cosine matrix.

          • Jack is referring to the essential property of a biscuit and where chocolate ought to be applied, not its geometric surface properties.

            It’s an ontological question rather than an engineering one. Do what you will with your rotation, vectors and cosine angles but a biscuit with chocolate on its bottom is a perversion. Treating a bottom as a “top” is against reason.

          • carl jacobs

            Ontologically speaking, there is no top or bottom to a symmetrical cookie. The choice is arbitrary. One may enforce this arbitrary choice by selection of appropriate coordinate transform.

          • Not so. A biscuit always has a top and a bottom, regardless of accidental qualities. It is not an arbitrary choice. McVitie’s float their biscuits on a reservoir of chocolate – on the biscuits bottom, with the top side up. This practise needs to end – now. It’s just wrong, wrong, wrong.

            http://www.freefromfusion.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Gluten-Free-Chocolate-Hobnobs-review-Free-From-Fusion.jpg

        • Merchantman

          In that case Mr Slope is probably the man for the job.

  • IanCad

    “Vote Whig, vote often!” So wrote the wise lady. Then she spoils it all with an ill-thought and prejudicial remark: “–the bearded anarchist-types” Got her there for a gross inconsistency or so I thought. The very idea! To denigrate men who not having vanity, nor the time to remove what God has endowed, should be so dissed by a female slave to conformity. I’ll show her I will. It must be for sure that all our famous Whigs from Townshend, Walpole and Pelham. All the way through to Melbourne (For sure) Russell and Palmerston; were men possessed of magnificent and flowing hirsuteness. Just like me. Oh Dear!! After a quick Google I find them all without any whiskers to speak of. My therapist closes early on Fridays – the next few days will be a challenge.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      “…a female slave to conformity” ? Mmmmmm, I suggest asking the therapist for a home visit as a matter of urgency. Lord Salisbury is the man you want…he had a fine beard but was no anarchist.

      • IanCad

        I’m in a fix Mrs. P. The poor lady suffers from agoraphobia and, unless drunk, rarely leaves her home. Some comfort though, that Lord S. had a fine display.

      • Dominic Stockford

        Bp J C Ryle, who I am sure has graced your tea parties, also graced the most magnificent beard.

  • whether the Front National is of the left or the right

    In 2010, Iain Dale interviewed the then leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin, for Total Politics. Dale said: ‘You are often described as far-right but does the BNP have things in common with the far left, particularly in economic policy?’

    Griffin replied: ‘You can’t place us on the political spectrum. That’s quite often been the case with nationalism. On traditional social things, we’re on the old traditional right wing of the Conservative Party. On the other hand, on some economic things, on the railways, or natural monopolies, such as the Post Office, we think they should remain in the hands of the state. So that puts us well on the left.’

    These days, when all the parties of government throughout Western Europe are pro-immigration and pro-Islamization, the opposition to them is more usefully labelled ‘nationalist’ than ‘Left’ or ‘Right’. It goes without saying that French Christians who want France to remain Christian should vote Front National. Christians who support other parties need their têtes seeing to.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      I see…and quite agree with your last paragraph

    • Paul Greenwood

      It is a facile approach indeed. If you read Hitler’s MK you learn how he acquired his flag and why he choose red to bring the Communist voters to his standard and black for the nationalist vote. The VW was the symbol of a national socialist future and he took the deposits up-front to build Kubelwagen for the Reichswehr. His job creation schemes had already been mapped out by Bruening before he lost office. There was Pan-Germanism in his programme rather than Nationalism because he did not hold the concept of nationhood so easily accepted in countries with defined boundaries. Germany never had a defined eastern frontier.

      The cardboard definitions are pointless in fluid situations; after all there are no “Turks” because it is a fake culture with a fake language and alphabet to embrace Kurds and a hotchpotch of tribes from Central Asia and Asia Minor.

      • Manfarang

        Read up a bit more on the Seljuk Turks and the Ottoman Empire.

        • Paul Greenwood

          No need…..the DNA shows that not to be salient

      • Dominic Stockford

        He took deposits up front for the kubelwagen and then didn’t build them….

      • IrishNeanderthal

        I had a look at Genetic studies on Turkish people – Wikipedia

        It seems strange to say

        there are no “Turks” because it is a fake culture with a fake language and alphabet to embrace Kurds and a hotchpotch of tribes from Central Asia and Asia Minor.

        The Romans spread their Latin culture over much of Europe, assimilating all the Continental Celts in the process, and the Arabs have arabized genetically and culturally diverse people from Morocco to Sudan to Iraq. Are those “fake” cultures with “fake” languages?

        When Rome was founded, Italy was a hotchpotch of tribes, such as Oscans and Umbrians. Similarly, in the 6th Century, Arabia was a hotchpotch of tribes.

        The Romanization of Turkish was not done for the sake of the Kurds, but to liberate Turkey from the Islamic cultural hegemony of Arabia.

    • David

      Agreed.
      At least France has a pro-French, pro-Christian party.
      Our established parties are all one great lump, and globalists at heart. There are very few true conservatives in the so-called Conservative Party.

      • @ David—The latest study shows that 18 per cent of babies born in France have Muslim forenames. Of all the departments, Seine Saint-Denis has the highest percentage of Muslim babies, just under 43 per cent. Seine Saint-Denis is the burial place of France’s Catholic monarchs. Unless the French stop faffing around and vote FN, it will be the burial place of French Christianity.

        • betteroffoutofit

          Ah. So they don’t even have Christian names – So un-stylish; one is stunned!

        • David

          Totally agree. The west sleeps under the drug administered regularly by their pro-globalist political near hegemony. It will only escape cultural swamping if truly radical pro-western parties are elected. Only in the east of Europe in the Visegrad nations, brave leaders like Orban provide realism, historical understanding and a stout defence of western culture central to which is Christianity. My prayers have long been for Le Pen.

  • Redrose82

    I shall be voting Conservative though it be,alas, a symbolic gesture. You see I live in a constituency that would elect a cardboard cutout of Hitler provided it sported a red rosette.

    • Paul Greenwood

      Well, the alternative to the Constituency is The List I am afraid

      • Redrose82

        Which would inevitably lead to coalition government. No thanks.

        • Paul Greenwood

          and make candidates at the top of the list impossible to dislodge

    • Dominic Stockford

      I sympathise. I have never yet voted for the winner in a Parliamentary election.

      • Manfarang

        Shows what a bad voting system it is.

        • Dominic Stockford

          Possibly. It is also a result of having stood for Parliament myself, twice…..

          • Manfarang

            Richmond Park and ……….?

          • Dominic Stockford

            We have a candidate in Northern Scotland who beat the Lib Dems last General Election, claiming 3rd place.

          • Manfarang

            4th place. In the Western Islands people get depression, alcoholism, or religion. Not all three of course.

  • Paul Greenwood

    So the Member for Tatton goes to work for Lebedev of the First Chief Directorate KGB and not a word about “Russian influence”. Then again Lebedev was so lucky to have bought a Bank and to find that only his bank and Mikhail Fridman’s Alfa Bank survived the meltdown. It is a remarkable story. Maybe Lebedev should have been put in charge of RBS to work his magic ?

  • Inspector General

    Off topic, if you will forgive, but it’s treat day, Mrs Proudie.

    Your Inspector brings you the sleazy world of tattooing, the sleazy tattooists practising this disfiguration, and the even sleazier customers thereof. And if that isn’t bad enough, mix in vile blood borne diseases too!
    ———————
    Ask the Lawyer: Did a tattoo artist break the law by refusing to serve me because I’m HIV-positive?
    http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/04/20/ask-the-lawyer-did-a-tattoo-artist-break-the-law-by-refusing-to-serve-me-because-im-hiv-positive/comments/#disqus_thread
    ———————
    It goes on all the time, it is said. But your Inspector has been unable to find any court case relating to the outrageous and heartless discrimination of these hapless lepers. Alright, it is true, no attempt was made to extract a gay slogan cake from the studios involved and there is no suggestion that any of the tattooists involved were Christians. But even so! Well, you’d think there’d be at least one successful prosecution, wouldn’t you!

    Now, some advice to fellows whose younger family members face being enticed into this disgusting depravity, to keep in with the herd. Tell your little ones that tattooists only know about their clients diseased status if said client volunteers the information. We must face the awful truth that the worst choose to keep said small detail to themselves. And consider this, it is unlikely even in the grandest of palaces that the needle is thrown away each time. How would they like to be the very next in line to one of these characters.

    {Concludes with classic ‘evil laugh’}

    • Sarky

      You really shouldn’t pontificate about things you know nothing about. Any reputable studio, will use fresh needles everytime and will unwrap them from their surgical packaging in front of you.
      The artist will always use gloves and their station will be disinfected before they start.
      You will also be asked to complete a disclaimer, where you will be asked if you have any blood borne diseases.
      Studios today are totally professional and as someone who has spent considerable time in one, i should know.

      • Inspector General

        Ah! A connoisseur of the tattoo. How blessed we are to have you here…

        • Sarky

          All mine are easily covered for work. Arms, chest, stomach, back!!

          • Manfarang

            Tattooing is common in Buddhist countries. The traditional technique involves a sharpened piece of bamboo.

          • Sarky

            Ive seen it done, looked horrendous!!

      • Holger

        And yet …

        Rates of hepatitis C infection are on the increase. If you’re tattooed, you’re at much greater risk of contracting the hep C virus along with many other blood-borne diseases.

        As with everything in life, getting tattooed is a choice that should be considered in the light of all available information.

        I’ve never understood why the gratification of having dodgy art scarred into your body outweighs the instinct for self-preservation, but apparently for many people it does. Good luck to them, I suppose. But I hope they don’t come crying to me when the pert and busty Pamela Anderson they had tattooed onto their rippling young bicep turns into a flaccid and droopy Germaine Greer as they age…

        • Inspector General

          Good point, Holger. The Picture of Dorian Gray comes to mind…

        • Redrose82

          I blame it all on David Beckham.

      • Royinsouthwest

        Gloves won’t necessarily protect the tattooist. What if he/she drops a possibly contaminated needle and it cuts the skin in his/her ankle? Don’t you think that anyone who knows that they have HIV or hepatitis or any other blood borne disease is being grossly irresponsible and selfish in wanting a tattoo in the first place?

  • Holger

    Louis-Philippe a Bourbon, eh?

    My, my! French history rewritten by a semi-literate English priest’s doxy.

    Whatever next? Will President Giscard d’Estaing turn out to be a Réquistat du Buisson de La Tour Fondue? And was General de Gaulle really a Van de Walle?

    Let’s just hope that Italy isn’t next in her firing line. The hash she’ll make of Guelphs and Ghibellines, Sforzas, Viscontis and Medicis doesn’t bear thinking about.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Yes a Bourbon, of the junior Orleans branch…you really know nothing

      • Holger

        *sigh*

        The ignorance of this priest’s “wife” is almost as all-consuming as her pride.

        When a younger son of the royal house was granted an apanage, a collateral house was founded under its name. The initial holder of the apanage reserved the right to bear the patronymic de France and was considered as a member of the royal house during his lifetime. His descendants were not entitled to call themselves de France, nor were they considered to be members of the direct royal house.

        From 1589 to 1791 the royal house was the House of Bourbon, of which the founder of the House of Orléans, Philippe de France, duc d’Orléans, commonly known as Monsieur, was a member. His son the Regent Philippe d’Orléans, was NOT a member of the House of Bourbon. No member of the house of Orléans has ever been known by or used the patronymic of Bourbon. This includes Louis-Philippe d’Orléans, roi des Français.

        Historical usage has been confirmed by recent judgments, which refused the request of the current Orléans pretender to use the name of Bourbon. I quote a resumé of the situation below, which I invite the ill-educated “lady” who made these preposterous claims to read (if she can). It explains very clearly that members of the house of Orléans are NOT members of the house of Bourbon and may not use this name.

        Henri d’Orléans a demandé à substituer à son nom patronymique d’Orléans celui de de Bourbon. Cette requête a été refusée le 29 mars 2000 par le tribunal de grande instance de Paris, refus confirmé le 1er février 2001 par un arrêt de la 1re chambre de la Cour d’appel de Paris, arrêt entériné le 30 septembre 2003 par la Cour de cassation.

        In other words, members of the House of Orléans have no more right to call themselves Bourbon than you, I or my cook’s cat do. La Proudie’s claims are entirely false, which is hardly surprising given that she clearly just pulled them out of her rear end after half-digesting a potted history of France.

        What she does with her own fæcal matter is of course entirely her own affair. But when she stinks up a publicly accessible blog with it, she shouldn’t be surprised when others start to object.

        • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

          Yawn…

          • Holger

            Exactly the reaction I expected from a clergyman’s partially educated and conceited fancy woman.

            If you don’t know it, it can’t be worth knowing, can it?

            It’s the refrain of narcissists down the ages. When exposed as ignorant, they feign indifference and try to brazen it out.

            I shouldn’t be surprised. What could be more brazen than a priest’s hussy feigning marriage to a libidinous cleric who wants to have his cake and eat it too?

            Continuez comme ça, madame. Selon votre bible, l’orgueil précède la chute. Votre crinoline ne vous servira pas de parachute …

          • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

            Double yawn…with an extra sprinkling of yawning and a tidal wave of ennui…

          • Merchantman

            Time to close your show down.

        • Anton

          Well the Inspector is surely a member of the house of bourbon, anyway.

          • Holger

            The bottle of bourbon, you mean. And not a member, but rather a devotee.

          • bluedog

            The speed and brilliance of your reply deserves special mention. How do you do it?

  • David

    As a late visitor to Friday’s treat I find it as excellent as ever, so again, thank you Mrs Proudie.
    Personally I hope we have seen the last of this Royal virtue signalling, from either of the two rather naive young brothers, William and Harry. He should stick to soldiering and not try to emulate the emotional public displays of the media-luvvies. That is not a good longterm strategy for retaining the monarchy. Or is he softening us up, buying emotional credit as it were, with types who like public emoting, before an announcement, that may receive a mixed reception ?

  • CliveM

    Would voting Labour be a sort of “murder, suicide”?

    • betteroffoutofit

      Yes.

    • David

      Yes indeed.

  • Sarky
    • CliveM

      Tbh Sarky they remind me of fan posters out of Woolies.

      If I was being charitable I might use the term “artisan” in reference to the tattooist. If……….

  • Dominic Stockford

    Bishop’s chairs, excellent. Solid chairs with arms, popular amongst the older denizens of the congregation (they do like to be able to stand up again…). Stackable chairs, abhorrent.

    And where, oh where, are those proposing a return to hassock stitching? Surely we could all happily vote for them?

  • michaelkx

    Vote Whig, vote often! Vote Whig you dear Lady, but often? do you take you reads as err non British. You know what I mean, the colony’s and all that.

    • Mrs Proudie of Barchester

      Just responding to the zeitgeist, dear michael

      • michaelkx

        me thinks that I had a bit to much Scotch in the spelling department 😉

  • bluedog

    ‘fully aware that the prince is not yet married to the American gold-digger,’.

    But without question it’s a case of ‘Notice Pending’, Mrs P, as Katie Hopkins suggests. The recent show and tell is surely a softening up process to position the lad for maximum sympathy when the news finally breaks. And what a fascinating little family it promises to be, if the union bears fruit. As one’s late mother would tersely observe in a slightly different context as yet another scandal rocked the county, ‘Blood will out’.

    • Paul Greenwood

      I see them all exiled to California and earning their crust on daytime TV emoting and living in a replica castle in Disneyland. I very much doubt The Crown will be anything more personal than an abstraction within 7 years

      • bluedog

        In seven years time (why seven?) there will be another US presidential election campaign and support for the monarchy will increase in both the UK and the USA. The Duke and Duchess of ******* (Harry and Meghan) may indeed have a modest hacienda somewhere in fashionable Los Angeles. The Duchess will develop a reputation for backing progressive causes and will be keenly sought for her opinions on TV. The rest of the Royals will remain in the UK and focus their attention of the European republics such as France and Germany.

  • chefofsinners

    Farewell, then, Gideon Osborne. True to your name you have fleeced the taxpayer, and offered the second best bull, close behind your friend Dave.
    Alas, we also hear that Sir Eric of Pickles, having consumed all the opportunities available to him at Westminster, is to retire, or possibly retyre. It is said that he always came to debates with more material than anyone else. And that was just his suit.
    And yet, there dawns a brighter day… Mr Balls is to thrust himself upon us once more. How we have missed the sweaty Balls bouncing up and down on the floor of the chamber. When he rolls his rs, who can help but think of Come Dancing?

    • Paul Greenwood

      Osborne seems to have organised a fraud at the last election and cost his party £70,000 in fines and the suspect gain of 30 seats rendering his “government period” a minority one. Poor Mrs May has now to rectify this difficulty with a General Election.